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- No, I didn't forget. I just got badgered by my roommate into Wrestlemania 13 first.

- Live from Hartford, Conneticut. Home of Shane's Posse.

- Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler.

- Opening match: The Blu Twins v. The Allied Powers. And who the HELL thought of this one as the opener? For those who haven't seen the show, there are a MILLION photographers surrounding the ring, which gets into the way of a highspot on at least one occasion. And wow, what a drop for Luger: Main eventer one year, opening match the next. The Blu Twins are the team that became DOA, Ron and Don Harris. Luger and Bulldog blow a double powerslam spot right off the bat. Davey Boy jumps right into the Ricky Morton spot, getting beat on by the Blus. The gimmick for the Blus is that they're brawling mountain men with their inbred uncle Zebekiah (Dutch Mantel). Zebekiah, being an all-purpose redneck stereotype, moved to Texas in 96 and became Bradshaw's manager. This is a horrible match. Luger gets the hot tag and nails one of the Blus with the LOADED STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM but they pull the ol' switcheroo. Jacob goes for a piledriver and Bulldog sunset flips in (the only nice spot of the match) and pins him. No tag, but they're faces so it's okay, I guess. 1/4*

- NYPD Blue's Nicholas Turturro is doing interviews in the back. Vince knew the show would suck, so he loaded up with celebs, I guess.

- Intercontinental title match: Jeff Jarrett v. Razor Ramon. Ramon is seconded by 1-2-3 Kid, and Jarrett is seconded by current Intercontinental champion, the Road Dog. Stalling from Jarrett to start, then Ramon reverses a sloppy sunset flip for a two count. Some comedy spots from Jarrett and Roadie sew the seeds of dissention. Ramon goes for the Edge but Roadie pulls Jarrett out, who is then chased into the ring by Sean "What the FUCK am I wearing tonight?" Waltman. Ramon takes out both Roadie and JJ, which pretty much shows that this was just building to the tag match that was supposed to happen at the first In Your House. Jarrett controls with some decent stuff, showing he's not a totally incompetant wrestler at this point. Ramon gets a two off a backslide, and they trade twos. Jarrett seems to have the same problem Shawn Michaels does: His managers go on to become bigger than him. Ramon makes the big comeback with a blockbuster slam, and the Kid tries to post Jarrett but gets kicked off. Ramon makes a tactical error and Jarrett slaps on the figure-four. Roadie assists. Ramon reverses the move, and Kid assists *him*. Cute. Ramon hits a superplex and goes for the Edge. Roadie runs in for the weak DQ. The Kid cleans house, and in a "holy shit" moment for me, he does the kick combo in the corner...then CROTCH CHOPS! I didn't even realize he was doing it back then! Anyway, pretty good match. **3/4

- Nick Turturro interviews the Corporation (the Million Dollar one) and Shawn Michaels. Jenny McCarthy wanders in and Kama checks her out. Scouting hos?

- King Kong Bundy v. The Undertaker. Yes, it's another "Heel manager steals the urn angle". It occurs to me that Mankind has the distinction of being the last guy to do that angle, and the only one to be successful, since UT never got it back. Baseball umpire Larry Young is the referee, causing me to wonder if visual impairment is a prerequisite to being a ref. Midway through the match, Paul Bearer steals the urn back, but Kama runs out and steals it from *him*. Man, what an engaging storyline. He would melt it down into a chain, which he may still be wearing today as the Godfather. Undertaker gets the pin...with a clothesline. Uh, yeah. DUD

- Nicolas Turturro is searching for Pam Anderson...and finds Mongo! Yup, he's part of "Team Taylor", the group of football players who will be seconding Lawrence Taylor in the main event. He moves on to find Bob Backlund playing chess with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Pretty funny bit.

- The first In Your House promo. There's WAY too much filler here.

- WWF World tag team title match: The Smokin Gunns v. Owen Hart & A Mystery Partner. You see, Owen and Neidhart were eliminated in the first round of the tag title tournament, but Owen claimed it was unfair circumstances, so the Gunns gave Owen & a partner a match here. So Owen brings out Yokozuna, and you might as well have handed the belts over right there. Both Billy and Bart are wrestling at Wrestlemania XV, although in drastically different types of matches. Who would have thought that either guy would still be in the WWF today after the split occured? The Gunns do all sorts of cool double team stuff, which begs the question: Why did the New Age Outlaws suck so bad in the ring? The backdrop/neckbreaker combo is killer, for instance. The Gunns hit the sidewinder (Bart does a side slam and Billy legdrops him in the air), but Owen tags in Yokozuna and everything the Gunns built while working on Owen goes BUH-BYE faster than you can say "Fat Ass Legdrop". Yoko does about 30 seconds worth of work and then applies the VULCAN NERVE HOLD OF DEATH. Yoko, you fat pile of shit, it's a TAG TEAM match. If you're tired, tag Owen. The Gunns make the hot tag, but Billy promptly gets belly-to-bellied and Banzai Dropped. And that's that. No, wait, Owen wants the honors, so makes the academic pin to FINALLY win his first title. Four Wrestlemanias later, Owen is still the champ.

- Adam Bomb cuts a promo with the WCW Booking Committee. They're special, you know.

- "I Quit" match: Mr. Bob Backlund v. Bret Hart. Roddy Piper is the special referee.

*Special Report*

We interrupt this report to watch WWF Road Rage party, which pretty much sucks. Mankind does get in a few funny lines, but everyone else runs through their catchphrases and the bands suck. Film at 11. We now return you to our regularly scheduled rant.

*This has been a Special Report*

Okay, anyway, this match was setup because Backlund made Hart submit at Survivor Series 94 to win the WWF title. And yes, I know his mother threw in the towel, but history says he submitted. So now I guess Bret wanted the job back. Backlund would be a GREAT heel today, as a protester of the currect WWF direction with it's marijuana-eating degenerates. Bret gets a figure-four about a minute in, showing how compressed this match is. Of course, the match at Survivor Series ran about 40 minutes, so anything would be compressed. They trade a couple of more submission moves on the mat, boring the crowd. Backlund works some psychology in, working on the arm and shoulder. Yawn. Backlund was always *vastly* overrated. Bret comes back with a couple of the MOVES OF DOOM, but Backlund rolls out of the Sharpshooter attempt. Bret misses a corner charge and messes up his shoulder. This sets up the Katihaj---er, I mean the Cross Face Chicken Wing. But Bret reverses the move and hooks his own for the submission. Backlund said during his big heel push that if anyone did that to him, he'd retire. Of course, Backlund never actually said "I Quit" here, so I guess you could say that Bob screwed...oh, never mind. **

- WWF World title match: Diesel v. Shawn Michaels. Jonathan Taylor Thomas is the timekeeper and Nicolas Turturro is the ring announcer. Shawn brings Jenny McCarthy (and Sid) with him. Shawn takes a bump before the match even starts, getting backdropped over the top rope by Diesel so Diesel can pose with Pam Anderson, who makes Sable look like Olive Oyl. The Shawn Show begins as Diesel takes his head off with a clothesline after a wrestling sequence. He gets bumped over the top rope and runs into a photographer, so he shoves him down the aisle in frustration. Michaels keeps on Diesel, and keeps getting beat up. Diesel is moving faster than usual here, but the match is all Shawn. They end up outside the ring, and the photographers help screw up a spot again, this one being Diesel getting run into the ringpost. The bloodthirsty fans begin chanting for Sid. Wild. Shawn splashes Big Sexy from the apron to the floor. Back in the ring and Shawn continues working on the back, with a Randy Savage elbow for a two count. Diesel makes the comeback with some elbows, then Snake Eyes. They fight outside the ring and Hebner jumps down to stop them, but twists his ankle. Shawn and Diesel roll in the ring, and Shawn hits the superkick. Sid tosses the ref back in the ring for a two count. Sid cuts the top turnbuckle pad off. They do the double-KO spot and then Shawn tries a bulldog off the top, but gets caught with a side slam. Diesel hulks up (to big boos) and hits the big boot and powerbomb for the pin. Crowd is not entirely appreciative, which was acknowledged the next night when Sid turns on Shawn, beginning Shawn's push to superstardom. This was voted Match of the Year by PWI, continuing Shawn's MOTY streak (which ran from 1993-1997) but there were easily much better matches in North America alone in 1995. ***

- Shawn challenges Diesel to a rematch at the first In Your House, a match which would have resulted in Shawn winning the title almost a year early if Sid hadn't injured Shawn's back on during the turn.

- Main event: Bam Bam Bigelow v. Lawrence Taylor. This of course came about because Bigelow shoved LT at Royal Rumble 95. Pat Patterson is the special referee, and both the Corporation and LT's football friends (including future WCW "wrestlers" Steve MacMichael and Reggie White) are at ringside. LT dominates Bam Bam to start, with a clothesline over the top rope, a few hiptosses and a bulldog, making this better than almost any other celebrity matches to date. Bam Bam takes over with some kicks and punches. LT throws a wicked forearm, I'll give him that. Bigelow applies a Boston Crab, and LT does a pretty respectable selling job. LT suplexes Bigelow out of a headlock, but gets the worst of it and Bigelow actually hits a sort-of moonsault. Bigelow comes back with a half-powerbomb half-gut wrench for a two count. Bigelow pulls out an enzuigiri and goes back to the top. His FLYING HEADBUTT OF DOOM only gets two. Why would he agree to kill his own finisher like that? LT comes back with forearms and some shoulderblocks, then a big forearm. Bigelow is staggered, and Taylor comes off the second rope with a flying forearm to the head that looked as though it hit solid, and it gets the pin! **1/2 on the regular scale, ****1/2 on the "celebrity match" scale. End of show.

The Bottom Line: Certainly not a *bad* Wrestlemania. Bundy-UT sucked the meat missile, but everything else was okay. This was just lacklustre more than anything else. Weak storyline buildup, mediocre wrestling, and an ill-advised celebrity main event that killed Bigelow's career. But Shawn puts in a good performance, and Bigelow-LT is the Savage-Steamboat of celebrity matches, so the show is worth a look.

Very, very mildly recommended.