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- Live from Mempho
- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler, who gets
a mega-pop and a "Jerry" chant to boot.
- Really cute promo to start.
- Opening match: Goldust v. Bluedust. Well, gee, I
suppose that if we thought REALLY hard we could think of a worse opener, but I don't see
how. Goldie does his usual stuff and then a comedy match erupts. Meanie humps Dustin's
leg, and then Dustin spanks him. Eww, I didn't need to see Meanie's ass. Goldust goes for
the Shattered Dreams, but Bluedust escapes and misses the moonsault (of course). Curtain
Call, goodnight Meanie. * Goldust kicks him in the nuts for good measure.
- Heat hilights: Austin and McMahon take out their
aggression on each other.
- Hardcore Title Match: Al Snow v. Bob Holly. This is
apparently for the vacant title. Cole says that this will go a long way towards erasing
the memory of Sparky Plugg. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Are you NUTS, Cole, that joke will haunt
Holly forever. We head back to the dressing room right away, where there are conveniently
tons of foreign objects laying around. Then out of the building, for a fight in the great
outdoors. I can't believe Snow, who I just watched in a **** match with Chris Benoit from
1995, has been reduced to this nonsense. We head down to the riverbank, as Snow rips apart
a fence and introduces Holly to his girlfriend, "Barbie Wire". Wasn't that a
Pamela Anderson movie? Holly, of course, gets tossed into the water and they do a river
sequence. Holly finds a roll of fencing and wraps Snow up in it, getting the pin and the
Hardcore title. Because when you think of Hardcore, think Sparky Plugg. But hey, if you
can't get him over as a wrestler, get him over as a brawler, I guess. **1/2 This was good
enough.
- Earlier today, the Ministry has a bonding moment.
- Big Bossman (w/ nightstick) v. Midion (w/ eye). Oh,
this is so fun. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say a huge
"BORING" chant breaks out. After about 8 minutes of shit, Bossman hits the
Bossman Slam for the pin. Lights out, and the Ministry beating begins. Please, Mabel,
injure Bossman so he doesn't wrestle anymore. Bossman gets carried to the back by the
Ministry. Yeah, I care. DUD
- WWF Tag Team Title match: Don't Piss On Canada v. D'Lo
Brown & Mark Henry. Dull match. The faces control for the first couple of minutes
until Owen and Jarrett sucker D'Lo into the corner and take over, which is a Good Thing
because D'Lo is talented and Henry isn't. Cole decides to use Hitler's Big Lie theory,
again calling Owen a 5-time tag team champion. D'Lo manages to hit a running powerbomb out
of the corner to allow the hot tag to Sexual Chocolate. A brawl erupts, and D'Lo gets the
Skyhigh for two. He goes to the top, but Debra shows some skin to distract him. Ivory
yanks her down and they tease a catfight, while Henry goes for the kill on Jarrett. In the
confusion, Owen smashes the guitar into Henry's bad knee (psy-col-o-gy?) and Jarrett hooks
the figure-four for the win. Ivory rips Debra's jacket off for good measure. *1/2 Not
horrible or anything, but this show is dragging. Although it's been less than a hour so
far.
- Mankind interview.
- WWF Intercontinental title: Ken Shamrock v. Val Venis.
Special ref Billy Gunn gets the catchphrase in, of course. Ryan's dress is barely there,
although Val must have read my RAW rant because he makes sure he goes in under the MIDDLE
rope this time. Damn. The match is nothing, as Ken kicks away at Venis and argues with
Gunn. Venis comes back with his usual, playing the heel for some reason. Crowd is dead.
Val rams Shammy into the post backfirst and goes for the CAMEL CLUTCH OF DOOM~! Cole then
segues into a discussion of the Iron Sheik, who is there tonight for god knows what
reason. I mean, THE IRON FUCKING SHEIK? Billy Gunn might be a passable wrestler, but he's
a horrible referee. Why is this dog getting so much time? Cole fills time by plugging
upcoming shows. Shamrock gets a DDT, but Gunn counts two and then stops. Ah, double
screwjob coming up, I can see. Shamrock isn't impressed and tells Gunn so, using the word
"fuck" in there somewhere in a Scott Steiner moment. Venis with the Perfectplex
but Gunn slow counts him too. Oh, lord, I can just feel the no decision. Venis puts
Shamrock down and goes for the Money Shot, but Shamrock tosses him down and hits the rana
for one. A slow one count at that. Shamrock snaps and applies the ankle lock, but Gunn
ignores Ryan pulling Val to the ropes. Shamrock is upset and shoves Gunn, who decks
Shamrock back and tosses him in the ring...for the Venis pin?!? What the hell? Venis is
the NEW Intercontinental champion and I had no clue that was coming. Match was **-ish,
nothing horrible but pretty boring. Gunn beats up Venis for the hell of it.
- Mr. Socko has a t-shirt. Yes, the sock now gets
residuals.
- Kane & Chyna v. HHH & X-Pac. You know, this
really isn't a fair fight, because 3 of the people only have one name, and Helmsley has
three, so it's kind of 4-on-2. Man, I wish I could shoot pyro out of the furniture when
*I* walked into the room. Kane and HHH have matching tights tonight. Shane is providing
color commentary and being a dick. Kane wipes out X-Pac and tags in Chyna, who ends up in
the corner and almost takes a Broncobuster (which, from the sounds of it, would've gotten
a huge pop). HHH gets to play talentless-hack-in-peril for a bit, which is cool because
selling is about all he does well. Chyna makes a pretty good accounting of herself,
selling and dishing out with the boys punch-for-punch. Damn, this is pretty fucking
intense match. D-X double suplexes Kane and tosses Chyna off the top onto Kane, then
double-DDTs Kane, who no-sells. Kane misses a charge to the post and X-Pac decks Shane.
X-Pac gets dumped on his head back in the ring to make him pothead in peril. Chyna is
doing more than HHH usually does, with more intensity. X-Pac is just taking a hellacious
asskicking here. HHH gets the hot tag and absolutely decks Chyna, then dumps Kane over the
top rope. Hunter with the high knee (sigh), but Kane pulls him out of the ring and they
brawl. Chyna ends up in the corner again and this time X-Pac really does hit the
Broncobuster to a big pop. Shane attacks from behind and X-Pac chases him back to the
dressing room, while HHH takes out Kane, which then leaves Chyna alone with HHH.
Facebuster, but Kane breaks up the pedigree attempt and chokeslams Hunter, putting Chyna
on top for the pin. GREAT MATCH! ****, no shit. I'm seriously wanting to see a singles
match between HHH and Chyna now.
- WWF World title match, Last Man Standing: Mankind v.
The Rock. Big pop for both guys. They go fighting to the entranceway almost immediately.
Rock DDTs Mankind through a table and they fight back in some more. I can't really be
objective for this match because I'm wearing my official "Smell What the Rock Is
Cookin'" T-shirt. Back to the ring, where Foley actually tries his own version of the
People's Elbow, but it misses. Rock beats on him outside the ring and does some
commentating. Mankind takes him out and drops the big elbow off the apron, onto Rock, who
is laying on the table. Mankind tosses the stairs into the ring and charges Rock, but Rock
blocks with his foot and Foley eats the stairs. Rock grabs a chair and goes nuts on Mick's
leg, and I have momentary fears of a repeat of the Royal Rumble booking. It is smart
psychology, however, because you have to stand up to win. Rock does the old "miss the
chairshot, bounce it off the top rope, and hit yourself in the head with it" bit and
Mick follows with the Cactus Clothesline. Neckbreaker on the floor, and Mick brings him
back over to the re-assembled commentator's table and tries a piledriver. Rock reverses
and backdrops Mick onto the timekeeper's table, smacking Mick's head on the edge of the
commentator's table in the process. Rock climbs in the ring, grabs the stairs, and tosses
him down onto Foley's leg! OUCH! Back in the ring for the Corporate Elbow. Rock grabs the
mic and does the "Most electrifying..." line, which the crowd finishes for him.
Holy shit, my boy Rocky is crazy over. Rock debuts "Smackdown Hotel" on PPV, and
the crowd finishes singing the chorus for him. Wild. Foley climbs up and applies the
Mandible Claw, presumably to stop the bad singing. Hebner gets bumped by Rock. He slowly
climbs in and delivers an 8 count to Rock. Rocky takes a swing with the chair, but misses
and Mankind gets the DDT on the chair for a 9-count. Mr. Socko is out and put to use, but
Rocky reverses to the Rock Bottom. Both guys grab a chair and do a simultaneous chairshot,
which puts both out for a 10-count, and we have a draw. Big-ass "Bullshit" chant
from the crowd, but Mick is still the champ. And this should probably set up Wrestlemania
nicely. ****
- Main Event: Steve Austin v. Vince McMahon. And it all
comes down to this. McMahon starts running right away, before they even get into the cage.
They fight into the crowd for a bit, and Vince tries climbing into the cage to escape.
Austin follows him up, and Vince sends a message to everyone on his roster by taking a
model SUPER MAN-SIZED WITH CHEESE AND BACON ULTRA-BUMP, going flying off the cage and
crashing through the Spanish announce table and doing a stretcher job. Now everyone who
thinks Vince is being selfish for booking himself in the main event can kindly shut up, I
hope. But that's not enough for Austin, who rightly points out that the match isn't even
started yet, and sends Vince's stretcher slamming into the cage for another MAN-SIZED
BUMP, then drags him into the cage to begin the ass-whooping. Vince gets literally no
offense, as Austin batters him from one side of the cage to the other and walks out, but
Vince flips him the bird, causing Austin to change his mind. He beats on Vince some more,
tossing him from the top of the cage to the mat at one point, then ramming him into the
cage twice, as Vince does a primo blade job. Austin climbs out...but Vince offers him
another pair of middle fingers to show his appreciation, and Austin again turns back for
more punishment. Another beating follows, then the Stunner. Austin gives Vince the
bad-mouth...and who should break through the ring, but Paul Wight! Vince yells at Wight to
kill Austin, so Wight tosses Austin into the cage like a child, and the cage breaks.
Austin falls to the floor and wins the match. Good ending, and great effort from the
50-year old Vince. *** Now this is the satisfying thrashing that we've been waiting for,
and once Austin wins the title at Wrestlemania, he can hopefully move onto feuding with
Titan, who *was* identified as Paul Wight by Cole and Lawler. Not-The-Giant consoles Vince
as we're at the end of the show.
The Bottom Line:
Well, it was looking to suck for the first hour, but that
sucker sure picked up at the end. This breaks the string of mediocre PPVs with a good
effort from the top card here, and hopefully Wrestlemania will follow the same pattern.
Thumbs up, especially since I wasn't expecting much from
this show. |
