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- As a guide, I'm watching this on tape instead of live,
and sober instead of drunk. I know there are those of you who like to keep track of these
things when reviewing my reviews...
- Live from Providence, Rhode Island.
- Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.
- Opening match: The Brood v. The Acolytes & Mideon.
Christian and Mideon have a bizarre staredown to start. Crowd seems less than enthused by
this one. Brood tries to double-team Bradshaw, but he no-sells. Christian ends up playing
Ricky Morton as the match drags on. Hot ending as the Brood runs through their stuff on
Bradshaw, with Christian getting a two count off a swinging DDT, but the 10 punch count
gets reversed into a NASTY powerbomb for two. Christian and Edge do a double-team pescade
on Faarooq outside the ring, but Viscera waddles down and squishes Christian, allowing
Bradshaw to clothesline his head off for the pin. Didn't see all of it due to getting
dinner, but it seemed **-ish.
- Hardcore title: Bob Holly v. Al Snow. Pretty standard
hardcore match, with the in-ring sequence lasting a couple of minutes (and an Al Snow
bladejob) before they fight to the parking lot and hit each other on trucks and the
dumpster. Hey, garbage wrestling. Cute spot as they fight into the audio truck, and Holly
takes a fall onto a waiting car. Snow finds some conveniently placed frying pans and uses
them for a two count as we head back to the ring. Snow puts Holly on the TABLE OF DEATH,
but gets clocked with a frying pan. Holly superplexes him onto the table. Nice spot. They
lay around for a while, and Snow manages to grab the Head and whack Holly with it for the
pin. Man, that thing must have a brick molded into it or something. I think I need a new
rating system for garbage matches -- the star system doesn't seem to work well anymore. At
any rate, this was subpar crap (as opposed to the entertaining variety) so we'll go **
- Intercontinental title match: The Godfather v. Goldust.
Meanie debuts his Sable-riffing bit on PPV. Godfather comes out alone, drawing boos. So he
brings out five hos and gets the face pop. Boring but not terrible match, until Goldust
does the powder routine from the hosue show circuit, where he gets powder in the face and
delivers the Shattered Dreams to Meanie. Godfather uses the Ho Train and Pimp Drop to
finish it. Eh. Been there, done that. *
- #1 Contender's match: The New Age Outlaws v. Jeff
Jarrett & Owen Hart. May I just say about Debra's outfit: Hominahominahomina. Is she
just saving these "bikini and jacket outfits" for PPV or something? Jarrett gets
major heel heat by covering up Debra. The bad thing about goig to a house show just before
a PPV is that the guys basically just run through the same match. Crowd gets an
enthusiastic "Show Your Puppies" chant going for Debra. The heels can't get
anything going until a pier-six situation allows Owen to hit an enzuigiri and get the
advantage on Roaddog. JR posits that the crowd are dog-lovers. Owen and Jarrett do the
old-school "distract the ref and beat on the face" bit to good heat a few times.
Crowd keeps chanting for the puppies. You know, one of these days Vince HAS to let us see
them. Ross to Lawler: "Do you have a breast fetish?" Gunn gets the hot tag and
we do simultaneous 10 punch counts. RD tries to solicit Debra's attention, and then hits a
pumphandle slam for two. More brawling, and Owen gets the Sharpshooter on Jammes, but Gunn
hits the Rocker Dropper on Owen while in the hold and gets the pin. Good ending. ***
- Shane runs down his father, then Vince and Stephanie
retort.
- Boiler Room Brawl: Paul Wight v. Mankind. Winner
escapes the boiler room first. I assume this is pre-taped. Mick breaks a few sheets of
drywall over Wight's head, so Wight stuffs him in a shopping cart and rams him into some
stuff. Some candy glass gets broken and both guys blade. Mick is absolutely bumping for
six here. Mick cracks open a valve and Wight gets steam in the face. Mick dumps a pile of
pipes on Wight and crawls out the door, leaving a literal trail of blood. Bossman and Test
attack and get chased off by Wight. Can't really rate it -- it was just brawling. It was
okay.
- HHH v. X-Pac. Chyna is wearing the LOD Memorial Bra,
complete with steel studs. HHH has new music, too, generic rock stuff. HHH hammers on
X-Pac in the early going, and dumps him over the top rope in a good bump from X-Pac. He
gets the advantage back in the ring and goes for the Broncobuster, but Chyna distracts him
long enough to miss the move. The announcers sell a neck injury for X-Pac as HHH wallops
him. Man, HHH hasn't used the knee yet. And he's being quite the dick here, working the
neck. You know the biggest tragedy about HHH's heel turn? He's let his hair go to shit. He
used to be a lousy wrestler who at least had good hair, but now he doesn't even have the
hair. Good psychology here from HHH, as Ross gets so concerned about X-Pac's continued
well-being that he offers to ring the bell and stop it himself. That's why Ross is 10x
better than Michael Cole. X-Pac makes the comeback with the heel kicks and a swinging DDT.
Chyna distracts the ref, but it backfires as it allows X-Pac a low blow. They end up on
the floor and HHH hits the steps. Ref gets bumped on the floor on a baseball slide. CUE
THE OVERBOOKING! X-Pac gets the Carpetmuncher, but Chyna lowblows him and hits an inverted
DDT. Nice one, too. Lights out, here comes Kane. JR gets to say "hellfire and
brimstone". Chokeslam for Hunter. Chokeslam for Chyna. JR approves. Kane sets up
Chyna and HHH in a corner each, allowing X-Pac to hit the Broncobuster on HHH to a big
pop, and on Chyna to a bigger one. It's all for naught, however, as the second
Broncobuster allows HHH to deck him from behind and hit the Pedigree for the pin. He had
to win folks, because he's going Main Eventer pretty soon. Best HHH match in a while. ****
- Ken Shamrock v. The Undertaker. I really hate that new
mix for the Undertaker's music. The one on WWF the Music 3 is the best. And the new outfit
screams "S&M fetishist". Undertaker controls early, but Shamrock gets an
opening and kicks away to the leg of UT. UT comes back, but Shamrock gets going to the
leg. This is, again, just like the house show match from last week. This is an interesting
attempt to elevate Ken to the next level, I'll give the angle that. Crowd loses patience
with this one fast. These guys are just not compatible workers. Shamrock gets the Fujiwara
armbar and the crowd breaks into a big "boring" chant. Without Bret and Shawn to
carry him, it's becoming apparent that Undertaker has outlived his usefulness as a
wrestler. He has the unmitigated gall to work in a bow-and-arrow. When has UT EVER used
that move? Nice move as UT legdrops Shamrock and Ken grabs the leg and rolls into a
submission move. UT reverses to a half-crab. Undertaker: Submission fighter? UT is selling
the leg injury well. Bad looking pin as UT has a clear pin after a big foot but Ken
forgets to lift his shoulder at two. Hebner stops anyway. Ken hits the rana and anklelock,
but UT kicks out quickly. UT tries the tombstone, but Ken gets the anklelock again.
Bradshaw comes down with a baseball bat, but Ken knocks him off and hooks an armbar. Now
Bearer is up on the apron, which is enough for UT to get a cheap win with the tombstone.
UT got seriously devalued here. ** Bradshaw delivers a Texas ass-whooping for fun. Crowd
has no reaction to any of it.
- WWF World title match: Steve Austin v. The Rock. Shane
is of course the guest ref. On Heat, it was announced that this is No Holds Barred and if
Austin touches Shane, he's DQ'd and the Rock wins the title. Quite the face pop for the
Rock. We do a couple of minutes of wrestling and then the brawl starts, as they had to the
entranceway. Austin gets put through the fence set up by the entrance. Austin reciprocates
on the Rock in kind, then drops a metal case on his head for good measure. Rock get tossed
through a pile of railings and Austin clotheslines him off a pile of cases. See, Herb,
Rock is taking bumps. Austin batters the Rock some more and drags him to the ring. Rock
takes a MAN-SIZED bump, charging Austin but flying over the top. On cue, the Spanish table
gets destroyed by the Rock Bottom. Shane stops Austin from using a chair, and Rock tosses
him over the railing. Rock puts Austin onto the announce table and steals a camera and
does some camerawork, shooting the crowd. Then, in a spectucular visual, he turns around
to see Austin giving him the double-bird and Stunner on the table. That was just a
magnificent bit. Back in the ring and Austin goes for the Stunner, but Rock pushes him
into Shane. Rock hits Rock Bottom and gets two (with help from Shane). That didn't work,
so Shane grabs the WWF title and charges, but hits Rock by mistake. Shane refuses to count
and runs. Except of course, that Vince is here with Earl Hebner and the Stone Cold belt.
Vince wallops Shane with the belt, and Rock hits Austin with the other belt and gets a two
count from Hebner. Austin is up with the Stunner, and he hits Rock with the title for good
measure and gets the pin. Another great Rock-Austin brawl. **** Vince tosses the skull
belt to Austin and walks off. End of...oh, wait.
- In the back, Stephanie gets kidnapped by Undertaker:
Limo Driver for Hire. That's not gonna lead to anything good, I can just bet.
- Back to the ring as Austin downs some frosty beverages
(sources say it's actually Sprite, not beer), end of show.
The Bottom Line: Well, I was expecting nothing coming in,
and although it delivered two **** matches and nothing in the way of total crap, it didn't
really leave me feeling terribly excited one way or another. So thumbs in the middle this
time out. |
