"Mr. The Actuary? This is Velma at TheSmarks Worldwide Headquarters in Edmonton. I have a call for you from Mr. Botter. Would you hold please?..."

"Sure - um - I'll hold."

45 seconds of being on hold, listening to the "Bushwackers" theme music, which abruptly cuts off for...

"Actuary? This is Botter. I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, the overnights are in, and your column on wrestling managers barely made a blip in our hit ratings yesterday. Right now, we're getting beat by the websites that list pork prices!"

"Well, maybe it wasn't all that great, but, uh...what's the good news?"

"Scott's got a great idea for a piece for you to do. Analyze statistics... I'm not sure how, just however you guys do it... and prove that his book is outselling Chyna's."

"Okay, sure, easy enough. Anything else? It's kind of early..."

"We need you to fly out here. We've got a big meeting with some potential sponsors today, and they want to meet you in person! Get on a plane, Actuary! We need you!"

= = = =

I'm on a plane from Atlanta, GA to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at about 10:15 AM Eastern Time. Using my wireless Palm Pilot, I'm checking in with the office and drafting my daily statistical abstract.

"Let's see... I finished tabulating the win-loss records for Lo-Down, Kaientai and Esse Rios... Not much point in having a 'win' column... I did the graphic demonstration of how much weight the Big Show loses and gains versus the Dow-Jones Industrial Average... Finished the proof that the US Economy has severely downturned since Sean Shannon left TheSmarks..."

Suddenly I get an email alert. Perusing it, I see

--------------------------------------------
Subj: Third Party Endorsements
Date: 10:18:57 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Don Becker
To: Tom the Actuary

Just a notification to all others of you who are accepting third party endorsement contracts: be sure to check any contract language with Legal to make sure the RS.com brand name is in no way comprised by any contract provisions. We don't want to have another "He had to leave on pressing personal business" situation show up!

- Donnie
--------------------------------------------

"Great. They couldn't wait until I was done with the Adidas deal..."

Another email alert. This time it's:

--------------------------------------------
Subj: J Day
Date: 10:23:15 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Justin Baisden
To: Tom the Actuary

This is a note from the International department: please be sure to translate all dollar figures to yen when reporting financial results on wrestling federations. Also, look out! From now on, Tuesday will be known as J Day! as it's all Junior puroresu, all the time.

- JB

--------------------------------------------

= = = =

I'm sitting in a packed TheSmarks board room at 3:00 PM, Edmonton time. In storms the Chairman of the Board, and he's none to happy.

Keith: What do you mean by this Botter? Setting me up on a blind date as a publicity stunt? Are you nuts?

Botter: It's good PR for the book, boss. And I've seen her picture, she's a babe!

Keith: Where's she from?

Botter: Vermont. Her name's Frost, and it says here she loves wrestling...

Keith: "Blossom" Frost, are you nuts?! Anyway, I heard she was engaged! We'll talk about this later. Jeff, you have a question?

(Jeff has his hand raised.)

Jacobsen: I have an idea! We'll have your blind date in an alternate universe! We'll call it "TemptRantsyl Island".

Keith: No. (Turning to the rest of us) Gentlemen, we have the chance today to land our biggest corporate sponsorship to date! Representatives of the Peoples Government of Sudan are here, and they want to be our latest sponsor!

Morris: Will they be sponsoring Thunder recaps?

Dillard: Or running spots on the Edge?

Keith: Actually, they want to sponsor Tim's pieces.

Me: That's TOM.

Keith: Ooooooh, I see, Todd, aren't we all picky-picky about our name? (The room gets silent.) Don't forget, slimeduster, I made you! Your gimmick is just one of a thousand I've dreamed up!

Me: Sorry, sir.

Keith: Don't forget: Paul the Accountant, Fred the Tax Attorney and John the Baptist are ALL just waiting to get the kind of exposure we give your column. Is that clear?

Me: Incredibly clear, sir. You're a very fair man.

Keith: Now, bring in the Ugandans!

Botter: Sudanese, sir.

= = = = =

I'm waiting in the Edmonton Airport bar about 10:00 PM local time. I've just had a disastrous meeting with the Sudanese sponsors: It turns out "Actuary" means "Well-endowed" in Sudanese, and my columns were being used as part of a fertility cult. Eric's with me and he's trying to cheer me up.

"Tom, the thing is, you don't have enough passion in your writing. People respond to anger - that's what this website is all about!"

"I know."

"You've got to use the resources we have here better. Take the big guy, for instance. When he's doing a show review, he uses all 57 people in the research department to make sure his facts are right. His five staff writers comb the world to find the best stuff to use in his diatribes. You've got to rely on people more, Tom!"

"You're right."

"And you've got to be more confrontational. Mix it up a little. Have some passion!"

"Now, only 93.1% of my columns have been devoid of emotional content. The other 6.9% have been dang emotional..."

"You're doing it again. Bartender, give us another couple pitchers, okay? [to me] Listen man. Loosen up. Have some fun. Don't be afraid to criticize people. Just because they're doing their best, doesn't mean they don't suck, okay?"

"Okay, Eric, thanks. Your the best friend a columnist could have."

"Let's see if you've got it. Repeat after me: Billy Gunn sucks."

"No he doesn't! He'd make a great heel..."

"Oh, geez, Tom, I give up. You're too nice for this business."

= = = = =

It's 7:57 AM, Eastern time when I get back to Columbus. The Company limo driver is taking me home.

"Hey, aren't you the Actuary guy?"

"Yeah," I say tiredly.

"My wife loves your stuff! She reads it every night!"

"Well, heh-heh... she sounds like a woman of taste and refinement..."

"Actually, she's Sudanese. I got her through a mail order bride service. I don't suppose you could get me Scott Keith's autograph, could you?"

I hand him one of the publicity photos all of us employees carry with us.

"Here it is, your house. It was nice meeting you, Actuary."

"And it was nice meeting you, driver. Keep the change."

I walk in the house and the phone is ringing...

"Mr. The Actuary? This is Velma at TheSmarks Worldwide Headquarters in Edmonton. I have a call for you from Mr. Botter. Would you hold please?..."

"Sure - uh... >yawn< - I'll hold."

1 minute and 15 seconds of being on hold, listening to "Bertha Faye's" theme music, which abruptly cuts off for...

"Actuary? This is Botter. We've got a crisis here! Get back on the plane! Mark Madden and Chris Hyatte ran into each other downstairs here, and it was a bloodbath! The Press is going to have a field day..."

And so it goes.