I'm not sure what the writers or sponsors of petitions hope to achieve, unless it's to annoy the living hell out of me. THAT, they achieve. I, for one, am just glad petitions like that don't circulate out in the real world. You know, you're at home browsing your email, and you see

If you think Tom the Actuary is a big waste of space and an incredible doofus, please affix your signature to the following petition and circulate it among at least ten other right-minded people.

Yours Truly,

Tom's Brother

Or some such nonsense.

Another of these pointless petitions I've seen circulating is one to get Vince McMahon to reconsider the way he has been using Taz(z). The writers of the petition feel he was better served in the persona ECW marketed him his last years there.

If you would rather see Ta(z)z no-selling everything and dropping people on their heads with countless scads o' Taz{z}z-plexes, please affix your signature, etc.

Yours Truly,

Easy W. Fan

The wrestlers who have come over from ECW since 1999 have very little to complain about, if you ask me. These include:

· The Dudley Boys - current, multi-time tag champs
· Lita - in the federations hottest new love angle
· TazZ - full time announcer and part time wrestler
· Justin Credible - right into an upper mid-card feud
· Soon, Jerry Lynn and Rhino

I could say the same for wrestlers who've come in from WCW:

· The Big Show - near the top of the card when his personal issues are in order
· Chris Benoit - they've used him perfectly, to make *everybody* look better
· Chris Jericho - could be the federation's top star one day
· Guerrero and Saturn - given prominent roles
· Haku - he's thrust right back in the mix and given a monster build-up

In the meantime, the WWF has increased the roles of homegrown talent (the Hardyz, Kurt Angle) and phased out some older, tired talent. The WWF has so much talent, the problem is getting them all adequate ring and camera time. Taz(z) is fortunate that they have found a way to get him time on camera; as it turns out, he's a very good announcer to boot.

On the subject of discussions that are *almost* as pointless as petitions, there are debates as to whether or not wrestler X is a face, a 'tweener, or a heel. Most recently the discussion comes up concerning Triple H. The designation hardly matters, since wrestling promotions worth their salt since the beginning of time have been able to make crowds cheer for or boo whomever they want to, and it can change from night to night. Some performers have made their careers in wrestling in this manner, by flip-flopping around from fan favorite to despised heel. Lex Luger, for instance, has been good at this over the years.

Still, I came up with an idea for a petition of my own:

If you would like the major wrestling federations to more clearly designate who we are supposed to cheer for and who we are supposed to boo, perhaps by use of Japanese subtitles, please affix your signature to the following petition and circulate it to at least 10 other clueless people.

Yours truly,

Thomas T. Actuary

Or maybe we can combine all the petitions in one:

If you would like the WWF to fire whomever is in charge of making it clear who the good guys and bad guys are and instead feature more continuity from ECW storylines, please affix Billy Gunn's signature to the following and circulate it among 10 other more-or-less conscious people.

Yours truly,

Epstein's Mom

For all of you who think that the Rock versus SCSA is this year's sure Wrestlemania main event, I say: remember last year. You see, the one solution the WWF comes back to again and again in juggling their ultra-rich talent roster is the multi-person title match. It's pretty much become a staple of the Intercontinental and tag team divisions. Don't rule it out for Wrestlemania, particularly if Angle beats the Rock at No Way Out, which is exactly what the Big Show did at this same time last year.

Thanks to all of you who wished me recovery coming off my recent episode. I also liked the jokes:

Q: What do you call Tom the Actuary in a lettuce patch?
A: A seizure salad.

Q: Why does James Bond like Tom the Actuary?
A: Because he's shaken, not stirred.

Maybe I should circulate a petition asking people to stop. Or maybe I should just make sure in the future that I take medicine as indicated.