by Eric Szulczewski

I thought that WCW couldn't sink any lower in its management difficulties than it has. I should know better by now. WCW is an endless sinkhole of management bozos who have been overpromoted and overestimated. Now they've just been put in the noose courtesy of the guys who are trying to get rid of them.

Ignore the whole Fusient situation for a moment if you can. Let's just concentrate on what's happening in the endless fandango going on with Time-Warner and Turner Broadcasting. All of you know the history of the ten years since Turner took over WCW. First, we had the incompetent Jim Herd, who let Ric Flair go in a fit of pique. Then K. Allen Frey, who left no discernible trail behind him. Then it was Bill Watts' turn, and despite moments of greatness, the Cowboy showed signs of Old-School Syndrome, not noticing the corpse of the AWA sitting in the middle of the road, dead from the same cause. Then it was Eric Bischoff's turn; enough hard drive space on servers around the world has been wasted analyzing that era. Next came Bill Busch, overwhelmed by the cancerous politics of the locker room. Then the Bisch came back with Vince Russo in tow, with Brad Siegel in control, allegedly. Now the final steps of the dance are being mapped out, and if the Fusient deal falls through, WCW will beg for a mercy killing.

One of the least-noticed news items of the past week has been Steve Heyer's resignation at AOL-Time-Warner. Heyer was Siegel's boss, and he took a hands-on position only in regards to the sale of WCW. Most of the calls regarding the business end of WCW were done by Siegel. Emphasis on "were" here. You see, Heyer is being replaced by Jamie Kellner, the current head of the WB Network, who has been given a mandate by Case, Levin, et al., to merge the operations of the Turner and Warners television operations.

You probably don't know the name of Jamie Kellner. But I do.

Most of you know that I'm an animation fan in addition to being a wrestling fan. I also follow the business of animation. So while all Wade Keller can tell you is that Kellner once worked with Brian Bedol at Six Flags (now the theme park division of AOL-Time-Warner), I can tell you a bit more about Jamie from his time as head of Kids' WB, Warner's children's programming arm. The amount of sheer violence that he did there is completely unforgivable. He's got a rep among animation fans comparable to that of Hogan, and for much the same reasons. Let me explain.

First of all, you may ask "Why should we care about someone who's Siegel's boss? They don't get involved at that level." You don't know Jamie Kellner. By nature, he's a meddling micromanager who drives his subordinates crazy. He's going to be watching over Siegel like a hawk to see that some deal gets done, and he's also going to involve himself in WCW programming. This would be good if the guy had one ounce of creative instinct. But guess what? The muse of creativity has passed poor Jamie by.

I'd like to paint a picture of what things were like at WB Animation back in the mid-90s. Warners had risen from the dead in 1990 courtesy of Steve Spielberg's patronage and started to produce made-for-TV animated series again. In 1994, they reached a high-water-mark for TV animation in the 90s when Animaniacs premiered, a series perfectly balanced for entertainment of young and old alike. They were on a roll after that, creating two more classics in Freakazoid and Batman: The Animated Series.

And then came Jamie.

The first thing he did was tell them to wrap up Animaniacs, despite the fact that it was pulling in great ratings and stellar reviews. He alienated half the senior creative staff by doing that, and a good portion of them fled to parts unknown to escape. He proceeded to abort Freakazoid after two dozen episodes because he didn't understand it, and if he didn't understand it, how would the kids? He then told Paul Dini and his crew to make Batman a little lighter, since its dark atmosphere might be too scary. He thought that the relationships in Superman were too mature for kids, and told Bruce Timm to downplay it. Timm and Dini fled to what they thought was a safe haven inside the corporate structure of WB: Cartoon Network Animation, the former Hanna-Barbera Studios. Currently, they're doing what they do best: superheroes, specifically the upcoming Justice League cartoon for CN (think a more mature Superfriends; it premieres in November).

And then came Jamie's masterstroke. He wanted an all-new edutainment series for Kids' WB, and turned to the only producer at WB Animation that he hadn't pissed off, Tom Ruegger, to create it. Ruegger brought in as head writer Mark Seidenberg, the animation equivalent of Kevin Sullivan, insofar that everyone wonders how he keeps his job. What they created was fifty-two episodes of unbroadcastable crap called Histeria. Watching this series was like watching a -**** match; it was endlessly fascinating to see how they could screw things up. Presenting a humorous view of history was one thing. But doing it in the way they did was another. I never knew that George Washington sounded like Bob Hope, or that Abe Lincoln spoke like Johnny Carson. And I'm sure that General William Tecumseh Sherman must have loved looking down from the afterlife and seeing himself characterized as Pee-Wee Herman if for no other reason than that their names rhymed. This thing shouldn't have been broadcast. It should have been written off as a mistake like their attempt at a mature western, The Legend of Calamity Jane. But it was put on the air to everyone's regret. Why? It was Jamie's baby.

And then came the biggest sin of all: Jamie Kellner brought Pokemon to the United States. Now you know who's to blame for that. Death penalty offense? You bet.

As for what he's done as head of The WB, just have a good look at the WB's schedule sometime and weep at the state of television programming today. Purposeful narrowcasting to the urban market has created a situation of...oh, boy, there's no way around using this term, so apologies in advance...ghettoizing The WB, perhaps on a permanent basis. No breakout series except for Buffy, no sign of large profits ahead, no sign that things are going to change any time soon. Newton Minow was right with that "vast wasteland" remark. The WB is a network that has no reason to exist other than the fact that it does. And Jamie Kellner got Peter Principled straight into that job.

So what's he like as a businessman? As good as he is in judging creative work. The situation regarding Warner Brothers' classic animation was a mess, with the broadcast rights split into three different packages thanks to decisions initially made in 1957. One belonged to Warners, another to Nickelodeon, and another to ABC. The contracts were due to run out in 2000, so Kellner made the decision that when they did, the whole package would be consolidated into one and exclusive broadcast rights would be held by one entity. The entity he chose was Cartoon Network, not the more logical and more profitable Kids' WB, leaving it the PokeWasteland it is today. So if you have a hankering to see a Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck cartoon and you don't have cable, you're SOL. Well, that is, if you can ever see one on Cartoon Network. The amount of Scooby Doo broadcast on CN is still greater than classic WB material. If you think that I detest the Rock, get me started on Scooby Doo one of these days. You'll see what hate is all about.

And now Jamie's packed up shop in La La Land and headed out to Atlanta, to better oversee the final merger of Turner's broadcasting empire into the arms of the Borg Collective. The mere fact that he's going to have an office in CNN Center should worry Siegel. It's one thing to ride herd on someone via long-distance. It's another to be in the damn building doing it. The people at CNN Center, in Smyrna, and on Techwood Drive have incredible reason to fear. Anything that's remotely losing money is a target. Anything that can be designated as redundant is doomed. You shall be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

So why am I doing this column? It's as an FYI. As I said, wrestling fans haven't had to deal with Jamie-induced trauma. Animation fans have. I'm one of the very few crossovers in that area, so it's up to me to sound out the first warning call. Jamie Kellner coming to Atlanta and being Brad Siegel's boss is NOT A GOOD THING. It's one of the worst things imaginable for someone who even has a little hope left that WCW can turn things around. The longer WCW stays in AOL-Time-Warner's clutches, the greater the chance that Kellner will bring his Reverse Midas Touch to the organization, driving it further into the depths, reaching new bottoms to the barrel that we thought they'd already plumbed the depths of.

WCW's best and only hope right now is for a quick sale to any party. Because at some point, you know that Jamie's eye is going to turn toward this part of the Turner collection, and then the meddling begins to the point of complete, utter destruction. If WCW spends any amount of time under Jamie Kellner's wing, there'll be nothing left for anyone to purchase.