By "Net.cop" Scott Keith

Yeah, I'm back. We're all entitled to a vacation now and then.

Fans, I think I can say, without hyperbole, that *this* will be the BIGGEST Rant in the history of our sport. This is where the Big Boys Rant. We beat that other columnist by .5 ratings points last month, and it was the most watched rant in the history of cable television. Maybe even of all printed media. I'm not sure, but our lawyers are looking into it.

Sorry, my inner Tony just won't stay down.

Anyway, on with the bitching.

First of all, just to quiet everyone who keeps writing me asking when I'm going to do a rant for King of the Ring...I'm not. Here, however, is a quick summary of my thoughts for that show, written the morning after:

Kaientai v. Bangers/Taka. Good idea, so-so execution. KDX isn't getting over as wimpy japanese heels. I like everyone in it, can't complain. ***

[Up to date comment: I have no idea where or why this Val Venis thing is going, but if it turns Venis into a more marketable wrestler, I'm all for it.]

Jeff Jarrett v. Ken Shamrock: Jarrett is 3 million bucks down the tubes. This wasn't actively bad, but I don't care about either guy. **

The Rock v. Dan Severn: Herb Kunze whines about Severn being misused, but he's a) Not over and b) Boring, so misuse him all you want, Vince. Rock rules. Short but good. **1/2

[Up to date comment: The Dan Severn experiment has failed. Send him back to the NWA and move on.]

Al Snow v. Too Much: Given any partner other than the Head, this would rule. As it was, call it a good idea at the time and never mention it again. **

[Up to date comment: They haven't really mentioned Al since then, either...]

Owen Hart v. X-Pac: Sean messes up the Bronco Buster, but it's a pretty fun match all around. I expected more, however. ***

Outlaws v. Midnight Express: 8 months into the title reign and they're finally wrestling like the champions instead of the challengers. Is there ever going to be a team to knock these guys off? I hope not. This I liked. ***

[Up to date comment: So much for the Outlaws reigning forever...]

Ken Shamrock v. The Rock. Shamrock gets revenge, the Rock looks foolish as usual but puts up a fight and doesn't have to lose either a) Face or b) the title, and it's the match of the night. ***1/2

Mankind v. Undertaker: For the record, I said "HOLY FUCK!!!!" three times during the course of this match. Objectively, it stunk, but who gives a fuck? He took a CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE FUCKING CAGE! *1/2, but worth **** for pure entertainment value.

[Up to date comment: Meltzer gave this match ****3/4, which makes me question his sanity that much more.]

Steve Austin v. Kane. Another fun match with booking out the wazoo. AUSTIN LOSES??? It was so obvious an ending I didn't think they'd do it... **1/2

So there you go.

Onto my other favorite topic to discuss...the disaster waiting for a place to happen that is WCW.

Now, Bash at the Beach apparently did a really big buyrate, and Nitro still draws excellent ratings, so rational thought states that everything is fine. WCW, however, is run by Time-Warner, and no one ever accused those in the media business of being rational.

Ted Turner didn't buy WCW to get good ratings on Monday and build a competitive organization, he bought it for cheap programming on Saturdays and as a shot at revenge at Vince McMahon for turning down his offer to buy the WWF. It was never intended to be a success, and WCW has certainly succeeded at failing over the years, with flying colors.

I mean, let's face it, they're doing fine. But Eric Bischoff is hitting the panic button and that's what going to get him fired, because he's self-destructing and when you have a lockerroom situation as bad as the one that exists in WCW, that's just begging for trouble.

Was it worth it? That's what Bischoff has to be asking himself right now. He blew the Goldberg-Hogan mega-match on a free Nitro, popped a rating for one week and then couldn't build on it the next week. Well, that's now one mega-match you don't have to pop a rating when you really need it.

And they *don't* need it right now, that's the really sad part. There's no reason to make any kind of major changes (except for maybe firing all the bookers, but then we've been calling for that for months) but now Hogan is all over the shows and lord knows what's going on with Bret Hart.

And is Bret *ever* going to get some kind of coherant feud going? After Flair, he's pretty much gone downhill, and now he's reduced to running in and attacking luchadores with a chair. *This* is the guy they pay 3 million dollars a year for and lured away from the WWF? I could attack Rey Mysterio with a chair and get the heat Bret's getting. His "angles" (a term I use very loosely) have no effect on anything above him, and his first title shot was against Booker T, a guy who he would have *crushed* just 8 months ago. I mean, Booker's a great new talent and everything, but Bret Hart could counter half his moves with his hands tied behind his back.

And what exactly are they paying Raven all that money for? They stole him away from ECW when he was still champion, just to show they could, and he hasn't done anything of note since entering. Oh, yeah, he was US champion for like 10 seconds, wouldn't want to forget about that. Aside from doing a great impersonation of a gay sado-masochist (have you noticed how Tony always points out that Raven enjoys being beaten by other men? HELLO, DO WE NEED A BIG NEON SIGN HERE OR SOMETHING?) his most lasting contribution seems to have been the deletion of the first names of his Flock. I guess Kidman wasn't using that "Billy" anyway.

And what the hell happened to Sting? From brooding World champion to catchphrase-spewing idiot in two months? He doesn't talk for 18 months, and the most intelligent thing he's got to say now is "We bowdy bowdy and rowdy rowdy"??? No wonder he didn't talk for so long -- his brain obviously atrophied from sitting in the rafters.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate Konnan (or, as my longtime fans know him as, Gonnad)? Okay, sure, he's a great guy for bringing the luchadores to WCW, but would he's from BLOODY NEW JERSEY. He's not Mexican, people. For him to be out there screaming "Arriba La Raza" and then expecting 15,000 white guys to follow suit is just a bit insulting to my intelligence.

And what happened to the Wolfpac in general? nWo Hollywood has about 6 million members, and the Wolfpac has four. Five if you count Randy Savage. How is this a "rival faction?" It's Los Boriquas with catchier music. I mean, I know Hogan doesn't want people thinking Kevin Nash is on his level or anything, but you'd think he could at least toss the Wolfpac a couple of other members as a consolation. Why not let Muta and Chono go Wolfpac? It's not like nWo Hollywood needs them or anything.

Bold prediction: If Buff Bagwell comes back as a face, the fans will turn on him again.

Anyone else getting sick of the family feuds in WCW? I'm still waiting for the six-man blowoff with Booker T & Chavo Guerrero & Rick Steiner v. Stevie Ray & Eddy Guerrero & Scott Steiner.

Note to WCW bookers: Stevie Ray isn't a very nice person. We get it already.

Note to WCW bookers: Chavo Guerrero is nuts. We get it already.

Note to WCW bookers: Mongo wants to reform the Horsemen. We get it already.

Official Netcop Prediction for the Horsemen reformation: Arn turns on Mongo as the catalyst. People who go asking Horsemen for help very rarely come out of the situation in a better position than they were going in...just ask Dustin Rhodes and Sting.

Does everyone in WCW have a bad knee or is that knee brace just a new piece of nWo merchandise they're pushing? And will Scott Hall endorse an official nWo liquor to get hammered on before shows? Will Curt Hennig start hawking nWo athletic supporters? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Note to WCW bookers: Chris Jericho doesn't like defending his title. We get it already.

Note to WCW sound techs: Goldberg is really over. We get it already.

While I'm on that topic, I'd just like to point out that artificial augmentation of the Ulimate Warrior's "popularity" in 1990 was what helped to kill him. People were pretty sick of his act after two years of it, despite Vince's insistance on putting him on top of the federation, and the WWF was forced to give out Warrior masks and overdub canned heat to cover up the cries for Hulk Hogan. True story. WCW take note.

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the announcers are sympathizing with Kevin Nash right now, when only THREE MONTHS AGO they were disgusted by his dubbing of himself as "Big Sexy the Giant Killer" and cheering when he was led off in chains for powerbombing people? What exactly did he do to distinguish himself as a good person between then and now? Oh, well, now he only uses the illegal powerbomb on the *bad* people...

Nice to see that the Giant has kicked the nicotine habit so quickly. Could an official nWo "Quit Smoking" plan be far behind?

Is it morally wrong to like Tokyo Magnum better in a thinly veiled homoerotic angle than as an up-and-coming luchadore? I mean, really now, this Dancin' Fools thing would have put Disco and Wright to the top of the WWF by now. Vince kills himself for naturally brilliant gimmick teams like that and WCW is just wasting theirs in a feud with Public Enemy.

Note to Rocco Rock: You're white. Just thought you'd like to know.

Note to WCW bookers: Alex Wright and Disco Inferno don't actually like each other, they just "enjoy each other's company." We get it already.

I mean, c'mon, WCW throws stuff like the Dancin' Fools at us and then wonders why people read "G-A-Y" into it? They might as well be tossing the Village People out there.

I do have strong suspicions that Dusty Rhodes thought of teaming Wright and Disco, however, which would explain, well, everything really.

Don't get me wrong -- I love that team. But between their dance competitions and Too Much touching each other all the time, it's just more fuel for those who like to describe wrestling fans as those who enjoy watching men in small trunks roll around on each other.

I won't even get into Al Snow and the Head.

While we're back in the WWF, nice to see that Vince has finally grabbed a brain and started booking the Brawl for All thing. It was that Severn fight that clinched it, I think. Good money says that whole thing was Jim Ross' idea in the first place.

I, personally, am frankly astounded that no one has jumped on the WWF for "copying" WCW's idea of a "toughman" division.

Just wondering to myself: How much did the genius who thought of calling a Japanese wrestler "Sumo Fuji" get paid, how many hours was he paid for, and why hasn't WCW offered me a job yet at even half that wage? I'd sit and think up braindead shit like that for a measly $75,000 a year. Hmmm...new Mexican wrestler...let's call him "Lou Chadore!" I can smell the money rolling in as we speak.

Note to WCW: Don't steal that idea or I'll sue your ass off.

You know, if *I* was someone like Vincent/Virgil/whatever, my renegotiation strategy would be to go around the locker room and get all the dirt on everyone, then go to Eric Bischoff and threaten to call the WWF if my salary wasn't tripled on the spot. Playing mind-games with the paranoid is *so* much fun.

Curious: Does Bischoff break up with girlfriends by Fed-Ex, or does he get his secretary to call them and leave a message on their answering machine?

More curiosity: Why exactly is Ken Shamrock allowed to wear UFC-regulation gloves in a WRESTLING match?

Still more curiosity: Did the WWF drop the "Brown" from D-Lo Brown's name because it was too hard for the average fan to pronounce, or too hard for the average fan to remember? That third syllable will get you every time.

Stuff I think about at 3 AM: If you count the "X" in X-Pac as roman numeral 10, then you can reverse both parts to make "Net-cap", which, if pronounced with the same "aw" sound as exists in "Pac", is close enough to "Netcop" to make me think that someone is paying tribute to me down there in Stamford. Sniff, I'm touched guys, thanks.

Glad to see that Kama Mustapha has moved on to the much more dignified role of the superfly pimp with the 70s afro. I knew that the deep insight and sensitivity of the Papa Shango character wasn't just a one-off fluke.

Yet more curiosity: Did the Godfather set Jacqueline up with Marc Mero, or did they meet over a chat line?

Oh my god, we're desperately out of time! See you next week on Wrestlemaniacs.com...