By "Net.cop" Scott Keith

The Netcop MANLY News Update for 10-25-99

Enough of these wussy, informative, so-called news updates dealing with things like "facts" and "information." Everyone knows (because Vince Russo says so) that WCW is turning into what the viewers -- and by proxy, what my readers -- demand by use of blood, swearing and violence. So let’s get some of that real manly news going!

• Manly news item #1: Sid Vicious hits new heights of blood loss on a WCW PPV. The tipoff to a good bladejob? He has blond hair, and it was red by the end of the match. Hell, it was red by the middle of the match. That’s a MANLY bladejob, and Sid gets the Netcop Manly Man of the Week Award. It’s very prestigious, and it’s good for one free coupon at the Fellatio Barn, while supplies last.

• Runner-up of the week: Mark Henry, who fucked SEVENTEEN women before RAW started. Can YOU say that? Hah, I don’t think so. Points are deducted for skankiness, however, so no win this week.

• In the "Die For My Pleasure" category, Test hits an elbow from the top of the cage, and Shane McMahon follows with a dive from the top of the cage onto the Mean Street Posse. Take THAT, luchadores!

• On ECW this week, Mike Awesome takes a staple gun to the head. Think Norm Abrams would do that?

• Tammy gets spanked! Yeah, real men of the world rejoice!

Okay, this is stupid.

Back to me.

Rantsylvania.com (remember, more hits means DVD PLAYER FOR SCOTT) continues on it’s merry way, and I personally want to expand coverage a bit. Namely, we’re soon adding coverage for three shows which fall under the sports entertainment banner: The Iron Chef, RollerJam, and BattleDome. Personally being a huge fan of the first one, I’ve been wanting to add a report for a while. I already have someone in mind for RollerJam, and I don’t know what sick soul would want BattleDome, but it’s open. You, of course, are free to submit your own recaps to the Rant Crew, and if none of our writers want the show, you may get it. No promises at this point, however.

Strangely, the feedback from my Havoc 99 rant has been incredibly polarized, much like overall opinion on the show: Either people LOVED the rant and praised me for bashing Russo, or people HATED the rant and called me all sorts of nasty names. The count at "You have lost all credibility" letters this week stands at five, by the way, which is about average. I think I’ve lost all credibility more times than anyone else on the ‘net.

Having not seen Nitro, I really shouldn’t bitch, but now they’ve blown ANOTHER money match, giving Bret v. Goldberg away, and giving Goldberg loss #2 to boot, thus screwing him out of both the US title and World title in a 24-hour span and making the Vicious match COMPLETELY useless. Wow, great booking. And switching the tag titles AGAIN, wow, hey, that’s great. God bless Russo.

Anyway, a question presents itself about rants: What about November To Remember? There's only another two weeks until that one, and being the great guy that I am, I should really do a rant for 94, 95 and 96, which are actually three of the ECW shows I *enjoy* watching. Yes, they do exist, you may pick your jaw up off the floor now.

On a personal note, I beat Sonic Adventure for the first time yesterday. Although the game itself is pretty easy, the Chao subgame is pretty neat.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in congratulating me on getting "fuck" past the WrestleLine censors a record FOUR times in the Havoc 98 Retro Rant. I'd like to think with your support, I can corrupt the minds of unsuspecting young readers the world over.

Upcoming column news: Coming soon to MarkMadden.com, a reply to the Great Jericho Debate from yours truly, directed to Madden. Coming soon here and to WrestleLine: The epic nWo / Revelation Rant, now officially titled "There Goes the Neighborhood…" covering the greatest period in WCW's short, nasty and brutish history. Expect more cool biblical quotes and stuff, even if I am an atheist.

And for another epic work, be on the lookout for the Netcop FAQ, answering all the niggling questions about the enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a mystery that is ME. Like, "Why do you hate ECW", "What's the deal with Dory Funk, Jr.?" and "Where does the nickname 'Netcop' come from anyway?" Sleep? Me? NEVER!

And on that note, I bid you adieu for another week. Until next time, MAKE MINE NETCOP!

- "Netcop" Scott Keith