By "Net.cop" Scott Keith

The Netcop Rant (tm) for July 29/1997.

Brought to you by the letter "E." For the benefit of the majority of this newsgroup, I should explain that it's the one between "D" and "F."

Special request: I feel I should be using my talent for capitalistic purposes, or at least getting more hits on my homepage, so I was wondering if there were any wrestling pages/newsletters out there wanting to use someone such as myself as an opinion columnist. I'd prefer to go with someone who could pay me to spout off, but I'm willing to work for charity if need be. :) Drop me a line at skeith@freenet.edmonton.ab.ca or just reply to this message if you fit the bill.

Today I'd like to start out by calling for a public hanging of Earl Hebner. I mean, how much can one guy expose the business before someone takes him and his twin brother out to the parking lot and kicks their ass? For those of you not fortunate enough to have me do color commentary during PPVs, I'm referring to the very.....slow.....count he uses for the finish of big matches. I mean, you *know* the guy's not going to kick out when Earl takes 5 seconds between each number. Time him, swear to god it's almost that long. Every count leading up to that one is the same, then if it's the finish he spaces it out. Why does it expose the business? Say you're Steve Austin during the Undertaker match at In Your House. Earl goes 1......................................(pause as crowd goes for coffee and souvenirs).......2....... and now what? It's been 10 minutes already and the guy's only at two. If you kick out now, it's blatantly obvious that the thing's rigged because your shoulders have been clearly down for at least 10 seconds already. Bottom line: Shoot Earl Hebner and we're all a little better off.

Brawls must score big ratings because there was a shitload of them on RAW. Oh well.

Anyone else notice that the Pittsburgh crowd was thiiiiiiiiis close to doing an nWo on Bret and littering the ring with garbage? Vince must be doing handstands at the heat this Hart-Michaels thing is getting.

And it's official: I am now sick of Shawn Michaels. As long as he's not wrestling, I hate him. If he'd just shut up and wrestle again I'd have less problem with him, but his (fake) knee injuries and his (fake) smile losses and his (overinflated) contract, which is unwarranted for someone as obviously ready to jump as he is, just add up to make me sick of seeing him and hearing him. I say Vince should have put Shawn v. Bret in Summerslam, let Bret whip his whiny ass into the middle of next week, and then let him go circle jerk with the rest of his nWo buddies for the 50 million dollars a year I'm sure Eric would throw at him.

Odd, isn't it, how Bret's whiny persona being battled by Shawn's (somewhat) stoic one has become completely reversed in the space of two or three months?

Speaking of RAW, I finally got to see nWo Souled Out for the first time (as Brother Zen warned me repeatedly while watching: It's better for the satiric aspects rather than the wrestling. No shit.) I was actually impressed enough to make a copy, but for reasons definitely other than the wrestling.

In fact, to break from my tradition and start a new paragraph without starting a new thought, it was, perhaps, one of the worst shows I have ever seen. Sure, nothing can top Bash 1991 for sheer badness or Wrestlemania IX for sheer...uh...whatever it was that Vince was smoking, but it came close. Screwy main event, Dusty finishes, black everywhere.

But the thing that struck me about it upon seeing it for the first time was the fact that the set looked almost exactly like the WarZone. Black everywhere, big screen TV, big ass rampway, bimbos hanging around, the works.

Bash 1991 itself holds kind of a special place in my heart despite its horrid nature. I mean, I hated watching it in 1991 and I haven't watched it in a good long time and I doubt I ever will again (of my own volition...you never know what some wacked-out eco-terrorist is going to torture you with for picking paper instead of plastic. I can see it now: Environmental loonies, armed with VCRs and copies of the Bash, ambush environmentally unfriendly shoppers by showing them stillframes of Barry Windham's gut and warning that *this* is what they could look like if they don't switch to biodegradable products RIGHT FUCKING NOW....

Okay, I'm losing my train of thought here. Let's start that paragraph again.

Bash 1991 itself holds kind of a special place in my heart, despite its horrid nature. I mean, I hated watching it in 1991 and I doubt I'll ever watch it again, but it's always there to compare other bad PPVs to. WCW really had to *try* to put on such a bad show. You don't buy those kinds of fuck-ups, folks, it takes of years of practiced incompetence and ignorance of even the basic principles of the way the wrestling business works. Ted Turner *wishes* he could buy stupidity like that.

But I digress.

Souled out featured, without a doubt, some of the worst wrestling out of the most talented stars I've seen in a while. Chris Jericho v. Masa Chono was an insult to both guys, used to make the point that NICK PATRICK IS A BAD PERSON. I use the WCW Sledgehammer of Plot here, which is the standard way that they get a storyline point across, by hammering the viewer with it again and again. In this case, Nick, wearing an nWo shirt and nWo cap (backwards) makes biased calls for the nWo.

Of course, being a human, he does slip up a bit and accidentally becomes objective by about halfway through the card, but no one's perfect.

Interesting to note, as well, that the "Debra luvs JJ" bit was hinted at here. Here, at Souled Out, 6 bloody months before the turn finally happened. Jeff now gets basically the same heat he did back then, so why not just turn Debra and kick his ass out of the Horsemen 6 months ago? Saves everyone some time.

I mean, I know I often complain to those who are patient enough to listen to me for more than five mnutes that wrestling isn't Shakespeare, but it *could* be, and it would be nice if someone tried. However, there is such a thing as trying too hard. Okay, maybe Jarrett v. Mongo has a few things in common with the Megapowers blowup. Well, except neither guy is bald. And Elizabeth didn't turn. And Savage is pretty talented. And both Megapowers can interview.

Okay, so they're nothing alike. BUT I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT, SO BEAR WITH ME!

Okay, right, deep breath Scott....

Anyway, the big thing these days seems to be the epic year long storyline. For the record, and those of you who are new might want to jot this down on a piece of looseleaf, the only epic storyline that deserved to last a year was Shawn v. Bret and we all know who fucked that one up. If more plots were wrapped up as quickly as the Lawler-Putski feud was, the world would be a happier place.

For those with short attention spans, here's a review: Brian Christopher cheats, Scott wants revenge, he and his dad get it and Jerry is humbled.

There, see how easy it is? You build heat, then have a blowoff match. Booking 101.

Maximum Kainage is a gigantic clusterfuck. I mean, heat? Forget it. Get thee a nemesis *other* than your evil disfigured brother, man. Vince, I beg you, I implore you, DROP IT NOW. Please. Just admit you screwed up and spare us the agony of watching Paul Bearer jiggle his jowls every week. Take the statue and shove it up Paul's ass on national TV for all I care. You can't build heat with someone you haven't met. It don't work.

I mean, you just *knew* he couldn't simply develop the Undertaker's character a bit and leave it at that. You know, just invent the whole "kill your parents" idea and bring the edge back to the dude. He needs it. But no, we have to meet the evil family member now.

On a different subject, I'm somewhat saddened that the WWF is going to further add to the PPV glut by expanding The-PPV-Formerly-Known-As-IYH to three hours now, but I'm more gladdened by the fact that it's actually a real PPV now. I'm sure the cost of an extra hour can't be that much, and the "In Your House" idea was pretty dumb to begin with. Maybe we'll even start getting major title changes, who knows?

I was surfing the web and found a web site advertising a video with a Louie Spicoli shoot interview...4 hours long! Geez, how many times can a guy tell Rad Radford stories in one interview?

Alex Wright winning the Cruiserweight title on Nitro is just further proof that the title is now meaningless. I mean, it's ALEX WRIGHT for god's sake...

Wouldn't it be cool if the fourth Horsemen was DDP? If Curt Hennig doesn't want to join, then it would at least make sense for Flair to seek revenge by going to his enemy...

I think Luger is going to have a Tommy Rich title reign, winning the title on Nitro and losing it back to Hogan 5 days later at Road Wild. Which is kind of a shame, because Luger deserves better than that, I think. At the very least, Hogan does not deserve to be a 3 time champion.

Hey, remember that wrestler from Mexico, weighed 100-and-some pounds, wore a mask, got over by sheer hard work...Rey something. Oh well, can't be too important. Hey, it's K-Dog!

For those thinking Shawnie will join the Hart Foundation, Bret Hart has stated many times that will not be any more members of the NHF, so chill out. I doubt the Canadian fans would accept him, either. So forget that one.

You know what the main problem with wrestling has become? The lack of an ending. The bookers are coming up with big, sweeping storylines (nWo, Hart Foundation) and no way to end them. In wrestling, there's no way for the good guy to rid off into the sunset or the prince and princess to live happily ever after, because they have to work the next PPV. Yojimbo would be a jobber after the first six months in either federation...

While we're hanging Earl Hebner, let's lynch Sean Waltman too. Whoever says he's more interesting to watch now than before is nuts. The guy is lazy and selfish in the ring, and is basically riding the coattails of his buddies Hall and Nash. Do you seriously think this moron would get a second look by either federation these days were it not for who he knew? It's pretty maddening.

That's it for this week. Dull week, so a bit of a mellow Rant. But feel free to piss me off and set off another one.

Until the cows come home, I remain the net.cop...