By "Net.cop" Scott Keith

The Netcop Rant for the week of August 6/97

-* Putting the "drool" in "drooling fanboy" since 1905. *-

Well, Eric Bischoff has done it again.

Goodbye, heat for Sting. Goodbye, interest in seeing Road Wild. Gee, I wonder what'll happen now? Maybe Hogan will regain the title, what a shock that would be.

But let me rant for a moment about Sting and what a clusterfuck this is becoming: For the past year, the main storyline has been Sting v. Hogan, albeit never in the ring. They've been building and building to it, increasing the fans' anticipation until the day when Sting would dethrone the hated Hulk Hogan. 100 years of wrestling history says that Sting has to be the guy to beat him.

So why is Lex Luger the WCW World champion today?

Doesn't Eric realize the damage that this will do? Now Hogan has ZERO credibility. Before we just suspected he was a snivelling coward, now we know it. HE'S THE FRIGGIN' HONKY TONK MAN. If he wins it back, it'll be through outrageous cheating, and he'll use the DQ route in all his title matches afterwards. I mean, so fucking what if Sting beats this loser now? I say just shelf the whole stupid thing and start over. Give Sting someone else to feud with, toute de suite. Have him do an actual interview, laugh at Hogan, and move on with his life.

Speaking of moving on, let's do so.

Wouldn't it be cool to have Stevie Richards back in ECW, doing a "Blood Runs Cold" riff? I can see it now...BLUE RUNS COLD! With Blue Meanie doing his Glacier impersonation (Slurpee!) and Stevie doing "Rigor" Mortis, and Tod Gordon looks exactly like James Vandenberg...it's perfect, I tell ya. Go home Stevie, or to the WWF. Whichever pays more.

I dunno about this Ahmed Johnson thing. I got pretty tired of him fighting the Nation of Dominatrix as it was, and now it looks like 4 more months of "You're Going Down!" again. Ugh. Maybe a Flash Funk push will come of this mess, who knows.

Aren't politics fun? Ahmed hates Ron, Bret hates Shawn, Austin loves everyone but is so injured it doesn't matter.

I've always found it odd the biggest bad-ass character in wrestling, Steve Austin, seems to be the nicest guy in the federation and the peacemaker between Bret and Shawn.

Okay, let's start taking bets on how long it is before Shawn gets a new bodyguard and who it'll be...

I feel the need to reiterate a point I've made several times before: I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOKOZUNA. Who cares if he comes back? He's just another incredibly fat man who's lucked out and made it big in wrestling. He has no talent, no heat, and no toes (as far as he knows).

Speaking of toes, was Ziggy thinking of Curt Hennig when he wrote "If God had meant for us to touch our toes, he would have made them closer to our fingers"?

Okay, no more Curt Hennig pudgy jokes, I promise.

I think WCW should find a new nickname for the lardball, however. I don't think "Mr. Spiffy" is copyrighted by anyone. "That's what I call...spiffy."

Nah.

Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if Sting just declared his retirement right now, because you know he's never going to wrestle again.

And wouldn't it be funny if Eric delayed the Sting return so long that his contract ran out and he signed with the WWF without ever stepping in a WCW ring again? I'd laugh.

Is it just me, or has ECW gotten absolutely boring recently? There's nothing at Hardcore Heaven that makes me cream in my shorts (Sandman v. Sabu? Funk v. Douglas? So what?) except the usual excitement of watching Rob Van Dam improve by the second. I find the Gangstaz (or whatever mangled English spelling they use) to be unwatchable, especially after the Mass Transit thing. I think the Rick Rude turn was a very weak way to end the Douglas feud...I mean, c'mon, that was just begging for Rude v. Douglas! Maybe after I get my TV collection up to date I'll feel differently, but for now I'm very apathetic towards them.

Speaking of apathy, once again I sound the call to shoot Paul Bearer and put him out of his misery. If it was anyone else but him I could almost stand the Kane thing (the red lights were pretty cool) but he's an absolutely HORRIBLE actor.

Speaking of the Evil Brother, who here thinks the WWF will find a totally un-thought-of way to spell it? I'm betting on Ckaine, just so they can cover all the bases. Seriously, Mark Calloway came in as "Kane the Undertaker" so I imagine it'll be Kane. But who knows?

Quick! Hands up everyone who wanted to see Roddy Piper v. Hulk Hogan in a steel cage match for the World title! Um, 1....2....oh, wait, that's the same person...

I for one will happily defend the Hart-Patriot main event for Ground Zero. First of all, there's no law that says the World title match has to be the main event. I imagine Shawn v. UT will be pushed more heavily. Second, Del Wilkes kicks ass. He's a great worker and adding him to the mix improves the talent level very nicely. Third, it's standard booking. Have the face beat the heel in a non-title match to establish credibility, then job him in the title match to keep the heel over. Simple.

The real challenge for these expanded PPVs is going to be finding cool names for everything. "Ground Zero" is a good choice, but...

Reliable sources have recently leaked to me, in news exclusive to the Netcop Rant, the themes of the next five "In Your House" shows! I'm honored to pass them along to you, my loyal readers.

October / 97 "The Five Faces of Foley" - Mick Foley wrestles in all five matches, using five different alter egos.

December / 97 "Family Values" - The Undertaker teams up with the spirit of his dead father to battle Kane and the spirit of his beloved childhood puppy, Reaper. In other action, Stu Hart takes on Jose Lothario.

February / 98 "Border War" - To ensure neutral territory, Bret Hart battles Steve Austin in a title v. title match at Niagara Falls, in a special "Going over the falls in a barrel match," where the first one to get smashed to death on the jagged rocks below loses.

April / 98 "Gang Warfare" - A special three-way dance between DOA, NOD and Los Boricuas, falls count anywhere in the USA. NOD starts in Harlem, DOA starts in Sturgis, and the Boricuas start in Puerto Rico. [Note: Special extra-long 4 day "travellogue" version of the PPV.]

May / 98 "Revenge of Billionaire Ted" - The Huckster and the Nacho Man come out of retirement, along with the fake Razor and Diesel, to battle WWF New Generation superstars Henry Godwinn, Phineas Godwinn, The Sultan and Scott Putski in an exploding ring match. Special stipulation: Everyone will be handcuffed to the ring and the ring will be surrounded by an escape-proof steel cage. Each participant will also have 10 pounds of dynamite strapped to them. Special referee Bill Alphonso.

I think this new "themed show" idea has a lot of potential, don't you?

Okay, maybe not.

Does it strike anyone else as particularly ironic that SGT. SLAUGHTER would be the one chastising Bret for his un-American ways? Hello, anyone remember 1991???? Wrestlemania VII ring any bells?

Memo to WCW #1: You have in excess of two million wrestlers on your roster. I don't wanna see Larry Zbyszko anywhere NEAR the fucking ring, okay? It's over Larry, shut down the theme park.

Memo to WCW #2: You have in excess of two million wrestlers on your roster. Find some other team besides Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Scott Norton to push. PLEASE.

Memo to WCW #3: Eric Bischoff. Scott Hall. Larry Zybszko. Curt Hennig. Scott Norton. DDP. All survivors of the AWA. You know, I'm not one to believe in karma, but maybe there was a REASON the AWA died. This could be tempting the fates. I'd be on the lookout for the ghost of Verne Gagne haunting WCW if this roster continues looking like a who's who of the AWA.

Yes, I know he's not dead, I'm just being facetious. God, you have to explain everything on this group.

For those of you who might be confused on the subject, Jeremy Soria is a homosexual. I know he's rather tight-lipped about his preferences, but I think the "Is he or isn't he?" game has gone on long enough. He's been dropping very subtle hints for months now, but I think I'm smart enough to read between the lines.

Now we'll see if he replies on cue...

And while it's on my mind, how come CD players use two AA batteries for a total of 3 volts, but when you use an AC adaptor it's 4.5 volts?

And how come CrO2 tapes always say "For best performance, play back in NORMAL position"? What the hell's the point of having a Chrome switch on your tape player?

(watch the above get more response than the wrestling portion)

Interesting to note that various people in the wrestling business have now said something like 4 of the 7 words you can't say on TV. George Carlin should be a wrestling fan.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that Arm Fall-Off Floyd would be a kick-ass wrestler. In fact, about half of the Legion would be perfect for the WWF. (Whoosh! Right over everyones' heads...)

Okay, I'm reduced to making smart-ass comic book references, so it's time to wrap it up for another week.

Until I can't think of a witty catchphrase to end with, I remain the net.cop...