By "Net.cop" Scott Keith

The Netcop Rant for August 21, 1997.

You know, at first this ECW v. Cable companies thing just mildly annoyed me, but now I'm getting right pissed off, and you, RSPW, get to share in my pain.

This isn't just some minor squabble over a borderline show. Fuck jet skiing, who cares about that, right?

I'm talking about a service industry that is pissing in the faces of those who they purport to serve. Want the ECW show? Fuck you, pay us. We'll tell you what and when you watch, and what's good for you.

This isn't even a cable issue anymore, it's a political issue. Special interest psychos have taken questionable-at-best "studies" on violence and children and warped them to fit their pet theory, ie, VIOLENCE ON TV TURNS ALL CHILDREN INTO CHARLES FUCKING MANSON.

This is patently ridiculous. And even if it is true, I don't give a fuck. I'm an 18-34 white male with no children, and if demographics are any indication, the mass market should be tripping all over themselves to make me the happiest guy in the fucking world. I hate to be cynical ('cause I'm usually *such* a happy-go-lucky guy) but stats say that I, as an 18-34 white male, waste more money per capita on the kind of shit advertisers are trying to sell me than just about any feminazi self-righteous housewife who sees "SEX" in the dustclouds formed in a scene from The Lion King.

True story. A mother was watching the Lion King (on laserdisc, presumably, because you have to watch that scene frame-by-frame to get that kind of look at it) and noticed that Scar's footsteps kicked up clouds of dust at one point, which spelled out "SEX". In another instance, another mother with too much time on her hands was watching "The Brave Little Toaster" and noticed a frame (not an entire picture, mind you, but a SINGLE FUCKING FRAME) where the animators might possibly have slipped in a shot of a cartoon woman with pasties on.

I mean, GOD FORBID there should be anything in children's movies that's the least bit witty or entertaining for the adults, right? It's just not "quality entertainment" for the "whole family" unless it's 90 minutes of sanitized bullshit, at least by Disney's standards.

Does it bother anyone else as much as it does me that the moral standards for an entire nation are being set by DISNEY? HELLO? Are Disney's intolerant ultra-capitalist leanings the kind of messages you want to be sending to impressionable young minds?

First of all, every movie released is automatically a "masterpiece." Never mind if it's an overblown revisionist piece of claptrap like Pocohontas, if it's Disney, it's a masterpiece.

Now, by definition, the "masterpiece" of a particular artist is the BEST WORK he's EVER DONE. Picasso had, what, one masterpiece? And how many movies has Disney released with the "masterpiece" label?

And never mind how many young minds are going to go through life with the wrong idea of just what happened to Quasimodo in the book. What happens if one of them reads it in college, hmm? Bit of a shocker when the poor guy commits suicide, I'd say.

I'd hate to see what Disney would do with Moby Dick. Brrrr.

But I digress.

Most of the moral standards are legislated rather than simply discussed by the families of America. Who says my moral standards are the same as yours? Any political system that created the Kennedy family should not be dictating what is morally acceptable, as far as I'm concerned.

Fuck family values. My dad and I enjoyed many great moments watching two guys kick the shit out of each other on TV, wrestling and otherwise. To somehow imply that the UFCs and ECWs of the world negatively impact the legendary, mysterious, Family Unit is bullshit. Tell your kids that violence is bad. It's really that simple.

Any kid who's fucked up enough to take Sabu as ANY kind of role model deserves whatever he gets, I say.

Why should I be deprived of wrestling because yuppie scum parents can't get their shit together long enough to sit down and watch this stuff with their kids instead of dumping it in my lap by having everything they don't agree with banned? Whatever happened to the "summer of love" and "doing your own thing" and all that bullshit the older generation spewed while STONED OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS. Gee, think that's a clue? Maybe the DRUGS and FREE SEX had something to do with it, no?

Well, fuck you all, baby boomers. Time for this collectively-hungover generation to get a fucking grip already. You're not just turning into your parents, you're turning into the kind of police state that your parents fought against in World War II. Don't like it? Ban it, you say. Too violent? Legislate it, you say. And pour me a drink while you're at it, you add.

I mean, this isn't just about cable. If you want to implement your masturbatory ratings sytem, fine, see if I give a fuck whether a show I'm watching is "TV-14" or "TV-PG" or "TV-FU" or whatever the hell they are. It's a little box in the corner, who cares, right?

But if I'm paying $25 a show, let me repeat that for you middle-aged boomers who getting a little HARD OF HEARING, if *I'm* paying $25 to see a show *I* want to see on a system called "Viewer's Choice," then it's none of your FUCKING BUSINESS whether I want to see two guys whale on each other with barbed wire baseball bats or not. Go watch the fucking Disney channel with your kids and leave us well-adjusted kids alone.

In Canada, the problem is compounded because the cable companies are regulated by a Nazi-ish group called the CRTC which is basically trying to "protect" us from the evil American programming juggernaut. God forbid we should watch more Seinfeld than North of 60 up here. At the same time, they also regulate the content of what can be shown on given channels. And surprise, surprise, they have deemed UFCs and ECW too violent for PPV.

Well, everyone in Canada already thinks the government is a bunch of pricks to begin with, but the CRTC is truly unique in their ability to piss off average Canadians. And the kicker? My tax dollars go to support these assholes as they "protect" me from ECW.

Well, I think it's time that we, as wrestling fans, give a collective FUCK YOU to the special interest groups running North America right now. Bypass the cable companies entirely and start writing to your government representative. Believe me, if 20,000 literate wrestling fans nailed the government with a letter-writing campaign, they would listen pretty fucking closely to what we're saying. Don't discount your influence. If two or three wacko housewifes can make a difference on the morality judgments of a nation, so can a few thousand wacko computer users.

Remember: Be concise, be clear, be polite and be LITERATE. Don't threaten, or swear, or go off for 10 pages like this rant does. Simply state your distaste for the laws governing violence on TV as they stand, explain your reasons for watching ECW (or the UFC) and close by complaining about your right to choose being squashed by others. You can make a difference, I promise.

Until this fucked up world starts making sense, I remain the net.cop...