By "Net.cop" Scott Keith

Brought to you by The Disaster Store, because you just never know when you could die. Visit the location nearest you, next to Chuckie's Pizza!

Explain to me what the point of the Sting thing at the Clash was, besides just inviting The Crow's creators to sue. I mean, they even had the little kid doing the narration and everything! It was a powerful speech and a cool idea when it was called, you know, The Crow, but now it just sounds like a bad ripoff. I mean, even if they had ripped it off 8 months ago, when it would have meant something, then it would have been tolerable.

It can be saved, however. But it has to mean one thing and one thing only: The end of the nWo. Just like in The Crow, Sting has to go one by one through the nWo members and DESTROY them, then take out Hulkie-babe himself, winning the World title and leaving the nWo in ruins. If that happens, and only if that happens, then this whole stupid angle can be almost saved. But anything less than a World title win and the total annhiliation of the nWo would be disappointing.

I don't just mean everyone decides to part ways and do their own thing. I mean the whole group has to self-destruct, the Wolfpack has to turn on Hogan and leave him lying, Sting has to put guys in the hospital, and the whole gang of idiots has to be just decimated.

Won't happen, of course, because then the cash cow would be dead, but it would nice to see.

I was watching the post-Road Wild Nitro interview with Lex Luger, and it just seems this guy is taking the whole thing a bit *too* much in stride. I mean, if *I* was attacked by 6 guys and nailed in the back with a baseball bat, causing me to lose the World title it took me a year and a bit to win after 5 days, I'd be a right bit pissed. But maybe Luger's on a new Prozac prescription, who knows.

He should share it with Sting. Do him some good.

Now, considering what happened at the Clash, ie Luger getting laid out by DDP accidentally, there could be the more insidious nWo overtones.

And, since WCW wouldn't know subtlety if someone wearing a "Mr. Subtle" T-shirt firebombed CNN Center in the name of subtlety while screaming "I AM MR. SUBTLE, AND I AM NOT BEING VERY SUBTLE!" that probably means Lex Luger will be joining our black and white buddies any day now. Mark my words.

Speaking of black, does anyone else think Raven would have made a cool choice to be Kain/Cane/Kcane/Cain/Cane/Caan/Ckainne or however the fuck it's spelled? He'd be the perfect twisted little brother, and he's got the brooding bit down pat.

Speaking of non-subtlety, when Paul Bearer mentioned UT's younger brother, who just happened to be named "Cain" of all things, you just knew there was an angle coming. I mean, why can't the evil brother ever be named Bob?

"Know that my name is BOB, and ye shall behold my works, ye mighty, and despair!"

Or something like that.

I'm feeling less and less sorry for Stevie Richards every day that his career-ending neck injury fails to keep him out of WCW's ring.

Btw, only WCW could take Raven, the personification of evil and unholiness and dark arts in ECW, and fuck up his introduction so badly that the fans end up CHEERING FOR HIM upon his entrance into an actual wrestling capacity. Those crazy cut-ups in CNN Center, they kill me...

Just thought I'd repeat again what I said elsewhere about Vader for those who haven't heard it the last 15 times I said it: He's a big fat lazy hasbeen slob who was lucky enough to be carried to an excellent match by Shawn Michaels at Summerslam 96, and doesn't deserve any of the minor success he's had in the WWF. He's not over, he won't be over anytime soon, and even if he was over, he'd still be dogging it every night anyways, so just get over the Vader love affair already and find someone else to drool over, 'kay?

Having said that, the Final Four match was pretty good, I'll give him that.

So to take a nostalgic trip for the moment, the Outsiders' hissy fit over the thought of losing their precious belts made me think back to about 1986.

It was late in the year, and the British Bulldogs had been champions since Wrestlemania 2.

Btw, speaking of WM2, NOTHING on that card would hold up today. It was all crap. Even the tag title match was **1/2 at best. Vince got away with murder thanks to high ratings back then.

Anyway, the Bulldogs were defending on Superstars (or whatever it was called then) against that fearsome duo of the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff (how the FUCK did they ever end up as champions??? How did the Sheik ever end up as WWF champion, for that matter?).

Okay, I'm straying again. Let's try that paragraph again, without the parentheses.

Anyway, the Bulldogs were defending on Superstars against the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff, and it ended up with the champs getting DQ'd after they lost their tempers due to Slick's interference. And even as a mark, I thought to myself, "You know, self, it's not going to be too much longer before these guys lose the belts." And less than a month later, they lost the belts to the Hart Foundation.

The point? Vince knew it was time to take the belts off them, and I bet the Bulldogs knew the party was over, too, so when the time came, they jobbed to the Harts and as a result ended up in one of the hottest tag team feuds of 1987. I mean, that 2/3 falls match on SNME just kicked ass. I was totally marking out when Dynamite pinned Bret and everyone in the arena thought they were champs again. Of course, this was back in the days when the WWF was still enforcing the "DQ in any fall means no title change" rule, but that's beside the point. The point, and I think I have one, is that there's infinitely more drama in following the challenger than there is in following the champion. Once the hero slays the dragon and marries the princess, the rest is pretty mundane, ya know? The excitement is in the chase. The Outsiders have become mundane, which is something no team, whether they be faces, or just heels with fan support, can afford to be.

Speaking of refusing to job, here's some stats on Shawn Michaels that I was mulling over the other day:

September 1990: With partner, Marty Jannetty, defeats Hart Foundation to win WWF tag titles. Are soon stripped of titles and entire match is erased from history.
September 1992: Pins British Bulldog to win first IC title, eventually loses it to Marty Jannetty.
Early 1993: Pins Marty Jannetty to regain IC title, eventually stripped of it due to contractual dispute.
August 1994: With partner, Diesel, defeats the Headshrinkers to win WWF tag titles. Surrenders title to WWF in November after team breaks up.
July 1995: Pins Jeff Jarrett to win 3rd IC title. Forfeits title to Dean Douglas several months later.
September 1995: With partner, Diesel, defeats Owen Hart & Yokozuna to win the WWF tag titles. Is stripped of title the next night on RAW.
April 1996: Pins Bret Hart to win WWF title. Loses it to Sid in November.
January 1997: Pins Sid to win WWF title. Surrenders title to WWF a few weeks later.
July 1997: With partner Steve Austin, defeats the Hart Foundation to win the WWF tag titles. Stripped of title two weeks later due to contractual problems.

The point? Shawn Michaels has had 9 runs as a WWF champion of some form. Of those 9, he has been physically pinned for the title TWICE. By Marty Jannetty and Sid Eudy. That's it. Marty and Sid are the only two people in WWF history to beat Shawn for a title. No wonder Shane's so bitter. At least he can take solace in knowing he's not alone.

I mean, it's just preposterous. Not only to have 9 title reigns of any kind, but to be so primadonna-esque that he can't even be bothered to actually lose the things in the ring like everyone else. I'd be willing to bet good money that there's no one else who has pulled this kind of ego trip in the past and come up with 7 different ways to lose a title without actually, you know, LOSING IT.

Speaking of the Clique, I'd like to echo the sentiments of John Petrie and vocalize what a ratfuck Kevin Nash has become. Just wait -- when it's WCW World champion Kevin Nash (and I'd get used to hearing that) we'll be YEARNING, yearning I say, for the days when scientific master Hulk Hogan defended the title twice as often as Nash did. Just you nWo fanboys wait -- your hero Kevin is going to drag the wrestling world to new lows with him when he goes down.

The only person I'd pity in this situation is Scott Hall, who's going to be 80 before he ever gets a title shot, let alone the belt. I wouldn't be incredibly suprised to see him jump ship back to the WWF (and probably the WWF title) before Nash does.

In my quest to see all of RSPW get really good and torqued off at once, I just *hope* the Patriot beats Bret Hart for the World title at Ground Zero, just to see how many people will declare that the show sucked because of that. This group, as I've often said, is so predictable that it's pathetic. GO PATRIOT, GO!

I'll reserve my rant on Hardcore Heaven until Zenon gets his copy in the mail, but I have to say that needing 22 stitches to sew up a gash in your head and taking a swan dive into the second row of the crowd is possibly the STUPIDEST way to get over with a crowd I can think of. I mean, Tommy Dreamer has to get caned 10 times to get over, then poor Spike goes through this shit, I imagine if someone actually DIED in the ring they'd be the biggest babyface in ECW, no?

"Oh my god, he wouldn't quit, even after he DIED! What a hero! He's lying there in the ring, deader than a doornail, and I think rigor mortis is setting in. E-C-W!"

Ahem.

Speaking of Mortis, it's encouraging to see that WCW is at least moving the more talented half of Blood Runs Boring past the stupid Glacier feud. If it means we never, ever have to see Glacier and Chocolate Mousse again, I'll be a happy netcop.

I don't know why I keep calling Ernest Miller "Chocolate Mousse." CanSen just dubbed him that one day and it's been stuck in my head ever since. Blame him.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Until the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Journey, Led Zeppelin and the Sex Pistols all get together on the "Corporate Sellout-apalooza" tour (and sell T-shirts saying "My parents sold their soul to Disney and all I got was this lousy T-shirt), I remain the netcop.