By "Net.cop" Scott Keith

The first edition of anything is such an intimidating thing in some ways.

First of all, you need a good opening line.

For a bit, I was toying with the idea of starting with "Stop me if you've heard this one before," then following with an nWo joke, but seemed a bit cliche. I don't know if the above is a better choice, but at least it makes the point.

So I'm watching a terrific movie the other day called "The Late Shift." Those in America are probably familiar with it already. Those of us in Canada just got it on CBC, in a very heavily edited form (as in "thank you and the horse you rode in on" and other quaint voice-over techniques) for the first time.

At any rate, it's about Jay Leno v. David Letterman. Or rather, Letterman v. NBC and Leno getting dragged along.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

Rather than cooperate and be friends, the powers that be decided that it had to be either Dave or Jay. One of them either had to get shunted to the later time slot, or leave altogether. As it turns out, it was Dave.

On a related note, counter-programming shows has always bugged the hell out of me. Half the reason I stopped watching "Lois and Clark" was that it was against "Mad About You." Why can I not like both shows? Why am I forced to choose between Helen Hunt and Teri Hatcher?

Helen wins every time, hands down, by the way.

I think, and I bet you 10-to-1 that I'm not alone in this, that there's a magnificent movie to made about the "Monday Night Wars." The storylines and disputes behind the scenes of the Big Two are almost as fascinating as what's going on inside the ring. You don't think Eric Bischoff and Vince MacMahon would make interesting characters on some TV movie? I mean, we're talking about the same networks who made *three* movies about Amy Fisher. This is some major-league earthshattering stuff going on in the wrestling world. If anyone who's caught in the middle has any writing talent at all, there's a big-ass paycheque waiting for a book to chronicle the whole story.

I mean, Shawn hates Bret and Bret hates Shawn and they have to co-exist in the WWF, there's all sorts of behind-the-scenes infighting and cliques in WCW, and the Great White Hope for talent pools is ECW, a minor-league specialty promotion at best based out of Philadephia in a bingo hall.

Who could possibly say with a straight face that there isn't at least an HBO movie-of-the-week in this?

No one.

But a bigger question remains: Who would play the characters?

Vince MacMahon: Okay, for Vince, I'd have to go with the guy who played Michael Ovitz in "The Late Shift," Treat Williams. He's got the hair, he's got the build, he's got the "Fuck you, I'm the one in charge" mentality. In short, he is Vince.

Eric Bischoff: Bit of a tougher one. If this weren't real life, I'd say John Davidson, but let's shoot for realism, as if it were truly being casted today. Emilio Estevez could certainly pull off the hair and the attitude, but does he really look the part? Not really. Brother Charlie Sheen could pull off the character, but he doesn't look enough like a used car salesman or a black belt, so forget him. I say let's shoot the moon and pick Tom Cruise: He's charming enough to be endearing (like Jerry Maguire) but can be slimy if need be (Rain Man). Show me the money fits perfectly well here, indeed.

Ted Turner: After Billionaire Ted, the part almost calls for a bit of comic interpretation. I say Christopher Guest, with a bit of makeup, could pull it off easily. In fact, Turner really isn't a pivotal player in the story, so just about any impressionist with the right makeup could do the job well.

Okay, that's the executives. How about the wrestlers? Who to even include?

Hulk Hogan: Gotta have the Hulkster. Love him or hate him, he made the nWo his baby and he's been the central figure in WCW for a while now. Given his love of acting, you might as well let him play himself, too. Only Hogan could play Hogan.

It gets a bit murky after this. Hall and Nash are must-haves, but where are you going to find another 7 foot tall guy to play Nash? Maybe that's why I'm not a Hollywood casting director...

At any rate, drop me a line with your thoughts on you'd include in the movie (Michaels? Hart? Syxx?) and who'd play them. I'll collect the results and include them in a later column.

Staying with the Late Night Wars motif, it should be pointed out that David Letterman's Late Show beat Jay Leno's Tonight Show for 90 straight weeks before the Hugh Grant appearance turned the tide and made Leno the clear victor.

So the solution is obvious: Have Hugh Grant and a hooker perform sexual acts on each other on Raw Is War. Or not.

At any rate, the length of time that the Monday Night Wars have been going on is actually fairly short in TV time. It's a lot more vicious and cutthroat than a lot of the things that happen in TV-land, but then most of the networks are run by pretty slimy characters as it is. Trust me, if RAW was on ABC and Nitro was on NBC, this would be one of the biggest stories of the year in the TV world. Blood-thirsty competitions like this one rarely happen as openly in network TV as they have been here. On network TV, you never know who's gonna be your executive producer next week, so it helps not to piss off more people than are absolutely necessary.

* * *

Moving onto an entirely different tact, it was suggested by someone in an e-mail to me that the Bret-Shawn feud was in itself a giant work.

Interesting idea. If so, Vince MacMahon is the greatest booker in the history of wrestling, hands down.

Rarely has anything in wrestling gotten me to "mark out" week after week for an angle like the hatred between Shawn and Bret has. If it's a work, these two are doing the greatest acting job in the history of wrestling.

No, I'm inclined to think that these guys really don't like each other that much. I mean, even if they don't, do you know what kind of heat this is generating for whatever blowoff match they have to settle the score? Bret is getting trash thrown at him in the US, and Shawn is so despised in Canada that he can't complete an interview without getting fazed by the chanting and insults. That's heat, folks. And it's an entirely heretofore untried concept in wrestling: Regional heels.

I mean, never before has there been two guys (three if you count you-know-who and his can of whoop-ass) who are hated heels in one country and beloved babyfaces in another. Do you think Sgt. Slaughter would have received a hero's welcome had he toured Iraq in 1991? Not likely, because even though the Gulf War shit, er I mean angle, appeared to be international, it was in fact completely centered on the US. Bret v. Shawn is truly international. And here's the best part: If it gets stale in the US, all you have to do is air RAW live from Canada for a few weeks, and *boom*, instant heat. You think Vince is stupid enough *not* to go back to Canada after the near riot caused by Shawn's insults and Bret's flag waving in Halfax and Edmonton?

You can't buy that kind of real-life theatrics. Whether or not Bret and Shawn hate each other in real life is another matter, what's important is that the fans *believe* that these two guys want to kill each other. That's what missing today in wrestling, good old-fashioned hatred. Family values suck, because when political correctness permeates the sport the feuds get really lame, ala Bossman v. Rude over comments made towards Bossman's mother. Ugh.

WCW never should have fired Sid Vicious. Do you know what kind of buyrate a match against Arn Anderson would have gotten? Egads, it scares me that kind of stuff promoters will pass up in the name of maintaining egos. If there's one thing history has taught us, it's that wrestling promoters have very short memories, and the goat on Tuesday is the savior of the sport on Wednesday. I say let Bret and Shawn fight it out in the ring. Both guys are pros, they're not going to toss away multi-million dollar careers over a petty dispute. Okay, more than petty, but certainly not worth being blackballed over. Ask Paul Roma how fun that is.

Your thoughts on the Hart/Michaels feud, the Monday Night Movie, or anything else on your mind is welcomed. E-mail me at skeith@freenet.edmonton.ab.ca or stop by "Scott-Land!" at http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/4693 for my rants on everything else in life.

I was going to put a witty closing line here, but I couldn't think of anything ironic to say.