By Kevin J. Podsialiak

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Preface: Just as I was about to submit my recap to the site I got word of the dispute between WWF Entertainment and TheSmarks.com, over the publishing of the un-distorted version of the "stalker"'s voice. The WWF lawyers, never ones not to play hardball, have reportedly included the recaps submitted to the site, including, presumably, the one you are reading right now, as part of the intellectual property in dispute. Further details, if not already available on the site, will no doubt soon follow.

==

Oh, we're a-movin on up
To the East Side
To a deee-luxe website
In the sky

Okay, that sucked, made no sense, barely even scanned, and smacked of toadying to CBS. I'm off to a really great start here.

Hello there, WrestleLine readers, my name is Kevin Podsiadlik, (pronounced exactly how it isn't spelled -- thus my tendency to go by my initials, "KJP") and I am to be your interim Smackdown recapper. "Interim" here meaning, "not paid". So I guess in a way this makes me a corporate sellout without actually getting any money. You know, that's really pathetic, if you think about it. So stop thinking about it.

Anyway, I just blew an hour trying to write more self-introductory paragraphs, but heck, if you know me, you know me, and if you don't know me, you'll learn soon enough. So let's just get on with it...

==

Tonight's Smackdown comes from the "heartland" of the University of North Dakota, or possibly South Dakota, or just maybe the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople.

Okay, first thing about me, I like making obscure references. And in fact, as of late, I've taken to turning it into a sort of contest to see if there's anyone out there who knows what the heck I'm talking about. So the deal is this: first person that can tell me what that "University of ... Hoople" reference is all about gets his or her name in next week's column. Honorable mentions are also possible for providing extra detail. I think this one's a lot harder than the ones I've done in the past over on TheSmarks.com, but hey, this is supposed to be this huge audience I'm writing for now, surely there must be a bunch of people out there who know this one.

Anyway, oh yeah, the wrestling show. We go right into the match...

*****Kurt Ankle vs. Hardcore Holly in a King of the Ring qualifier

Yeah, I'm into cute names for the wrestlers, too. But I make it a policy not to duplicate anyone else's cute names if I can help it at all. So, because everyone else already thought of calling Kurt's finisher the "Angle Lock", I go the other way with the pun instead. And you will never catch me calling Holly "Kool Moe Dee". I don't even know what that's about.

Let's go back to Monday, where these two had a successful match against the Dudleyz, and Hardcore only registered mild agitation at Angle's victory celebration. So naturally tonight it's total hate between these two.

Holly tosses Angle around in the early going, until Angle finally stems the tide by blocking Holly's axehandle attempt and turning it into a front-face (or possibly some totally different name) suplex outside the ring. Angle hits another one back inside the ring. Holly starts to brawl back so Angle quickly slips on the ankle lock, but Holly crawls halfway across the ring to make the ropes with surprising ease. Meanwhile, we learn that Austin and Vince have finally come around and accepted the tag-team title match challenge of Jericho and Benoit, and that that will be tonight's main event. Somehow I don't think that will quite rise to the level of the past two weeks' Smackdown main events.

Again Holly brawls back, but Angle stops him with a German suplex, and assumes control with his suplex-based offense. Up top for the moonsault he goes, but Holly gets the knees up. Holly with more punching offense, and hits his world-famous dropkick, but only gets two. Scoop slam followed by a top-rope legdrop gets two. Some silliness involving getting hung up on the top rope ends up with Holly taking a hot shot right into the Anglympic Slam, which of course wins it for Angle. Pretty good match actually, probably at least ** if I did match ratings. Which I don't. I should add that the crowd was really pro-Angle for some reason.

Cut to Undertaker, pacing around and damaging the locker room while Kane continues his quest to master tying his shoelaces. Apparently Taker has completely bought into Vince's idea from Monday that Shane could be the person stalking his wife Sara, and isn't even considering the Vince might, just might, have personal reasons for putting the finger on his son. Even Kane is shaking his head at this.

Say, wouldn't it be something if Kane turned out to be the stalker? Now I didn't ask if it would be something good, just if it would be something.

--

And now here's Taker waiting patiently outside near the parking lot. We'll come back to this later if it gets interesting.

Meanwhile, out comes Stone Cold Feet Austin to kill some time jawing at the audience. Oh, another thing, I don't do transcripts. Sorry. Austin reviews how he's so far bested the Benoit and Jericho the past couple of weeks. As an aside, since we've done Austin vs. Jericho now, the next most logical PPV match will be a triple threat between Benoit, Jericho and Austin, so until proven otherwise I'm going to assume that's the plan. Anyway, Austin predicts victory in tonight's main event and that's the end of that.

Cut to Spikeo Dudley, and on the other side of the camera pan, Molliet Holly. Spikeo once again professes his "really really like" for Molliet, because he's a guy, and guys can't say that other "L" word, and that's funny, I guess. They tease a kiss, but Lost in Space Perry Saturn intervenes to make a complete joke out of this scene. Next!

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Let's review Monday, where Jeff won the battle of the Hardys and secured a place for himself in the King of the Ring.

Over we go to Mr. Fairness (WL readers: because that's in whose interest he always acts) on the phone explaining his master plan for tonight, probably to either HHH or Stephanie. Enter Commissioner Regal, along with Tajiri, who has modified his annoying formal bows into a merely disconcerting constant bobbing of the head. Vince quickly has Regal send Tajiri out for popcorn. Regal reports renewed sightings of the "WCW 1" limo in the area. VInce, supremely confident in the snowjob he's pulled on Taker, tells Regal to let the limo come on in...

*****Jeff Hardy (w/Lita) vs. J. L. for the Light Heavyweight championship

The match gets off to a slow start (by Jeff Hardy standards) as they deftly avoid each others' high-flying moves and the scariest looking moment comes when Hardy messes up a leapfrog. Then it actually turns into a brawl for a little bit before Lynn hits a Fameasser-like move, only on the apron with Jeff's head sticking between the bottom two ropes. Nasty looking for those in the audience able to see it. Lynn with some suplex offense until Jeff stops him with a sit-down jawbreaker. Hardy with a backflip into a legdrop, getting two, and a leap from the mat into a corkscrew moonsault, for another two. Jeff starts to sell a left leg injury, but Lynn never really tries to capitalize on it. Hurt leg or not, Jeff dropkicks Lynn into the corner, but Lynn subsequently explodes out of there with a clothesline for a quick two. A bit later, Jeff jumps to the second rope with some sort of moonsault move in mind, but Lynn counters by jumping to that same rope himself, and slamming Jeff into a roll up from there for about 2.8. Lynn tries the Dudley Dog, but he weighs a lot more than Spike and as a result just slips off of Jeff. Jeff comes back with spinning heel kick that gets two. Up top Jeff goes, Lynn catches him and climbs up himself, but Jeff is able to push him off, follow up with the Swanton, and ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Light Heavyweight champion.

As Matt comes out to join the celebration, I think it should be noted that this is surely the first occasion of a former Intercontinental champion going on to win the Light Heavyweight title. But before anyone can wonder where Eddie Guerrero is...

Cut to the Sara tapes, number four in a series, collect them all. This week Sara is walking to her pickup after a shopping trip and driving away. "Bet you feel safe out here in this parking lot, with all these other people". Umm, what other people?

On second thought, let's cut over to Chyna, who uses the power of Stacker 2 to cause exercise equipment to malfunction catastrophically.

--

And the Undertaker is still waiting in the parking lot. Ah, but here comes the object of his desire, the WCW 1 limo. He steps right in front of it stop it, saying something like "Move this car, you'll break my damn legs". That done, UT moves to the back to address the passenger. Whoever it is, it isn't Shane, a development that pleases neither Taker, nor the passenger, who never gets on camera, nor the audience, nor least of all me.

Cut to... oh joy, Spikeo and Molliet, take two. Hard to believe that two weeks ago I "really really liked" where this angle was going. This time their romantic interlude is busted up by Tajiri, who had finally located some popcorn. Tajiri says something very funny, but it's in Japanese so no one got it. Our couple decides to seek more privacy. Maybe they ought to ditch the cameraman while they're at it?

Steve Austin and Debra go over the game plan for tonight, but that's not very interesting, so let's move on to...

Mick Foley, with book in tow, saying hello to the company seamstresses. No, that's not much better.

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*****Kane vs. X-Pac (w/Justin and Albert) for the Intercontinental title

Cole points out that "we've already had one title change hands", a sure sign that this match will not make it two. Of course Kane completely dominates X when it's just one on one, so the other X-Factorites copiously interfere to make the match close. But this match isn't really about X-Pac or Kane, it's about Albert, who as I said last week seems to be irrevocably booked to win the King of the Ring given the magnitude of the buildup he's gotten lately. As the match winds down, Kane, put off from a chokeslam by the continued presence of X-Pac's allies, tosses X out of the ring, but Albert is there to make the catch. Kane now with a top rope dive out of the ring onto Albert, putting him down long enough for Kane to finish off X-Pac with the powerbomb. Triple team beatdown finishes with Albert planting Kane with the Baldybomb, thus underscoring my point about the push he's getting.

And here's Y2P, working on his own shoelace issues. Enter Foley, who is here to apologize for completely screwing up the Raw main event. Jericho accepts, sort of. Foley also presents Jericho with a copy of his book, and, just as on Raw, misidentifies a page from the chapter on the Owen Hart tragedy as something else.

--

Commissioner Regal is now out to entertain the audience. And by that I mean whine (or should that be whinge?) about Mick Foley's efforts to rig the main event on Raw against Austin, even though his total failure in the end should have proven satisfaction enough. Oh, but there was that nasty bit about the Mandible Sock, so I guess he has something of a gripe. Anyway Regal rants for a long time until finally it brings Mick himself out to the stage. He butchers Shakespeare for a while, and finally challenges Regal to match. To which Regal responds by having Foley ejected from the building. For a minute I'm thinking Foley is going to pull out one of his magic contracts to get his way, but not this night. This was actually quite a bit funnier than I've just made it sound, though nothing really stood out as a knee slapper.

Mick takes his ejection well, even giving one of his escorts the sock he had along to use in his match challenge.

Cut to... Shane! How'd he get in? He is startled by a large, pale figure dressed in black as he turns the corner, but it's Test. Test warns Shane to stay away from the Undertaker, but Shane is adamant about getting his segment of the stalker storyline over with already, and who can blame him?

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Mick Foley's appearance on ABC News (I guess this means he's forgiven ABC over that nasty "20/20" business) gets a plug, then we move on to a couple that used the occasion of this very WWF show to get married. There are so many things that this says about North Dakota, I don't even know where to start.

*****The Dudley Boyz (wo/Spikeo) vs. The Radicalz (w/Terri)

Man, how'd you like to be Dean Malenko anymore? Just a few months ago you were part of a formidable four-man force. Then the leader gets kicked out, the new leader turns on you, and now the last guy is slowly becoming Rick Steiner. And next month Terri's probably gonna run off with Saturn. Cut to last Monday and Saturn charging down the ramp in a bathrobe, and that your cue to turn your head away for a moment. As Saturn himself once put it, life can be such a drag sometimes.

Saturn and Bubba start, the exchanges are even, but then Bubba tags D-Von and they double team their way onto offense. Dean gets the tag and after recovering from an initial drop toe hold, fares somewhat better, hitting a heel kick for two. But lest this match get interesting on its own merits, let's cut over to Saturn, who seems to have taken an interest something... yes, I believe it is the ringbell. Malenko, now stuck in the ring with a fresher Bubba, started getting tossed around at will. Back to Saturn, he's giving the Dudleys' eyewear a good going over. I'm not making this up, by the way. Malenko suffer the Wasabi Drop, and now Saturn, sporting Bubba's glasses pop up on top and asks the Dudleys to let HIM do the Wasabi Drop on Malenko! They oblige, so does he. Picking up the mike, Saturn adds: "D-Von" (pushes D-Von) "get the muffins! You're welcome." So finally the Dudleys give him 3-D and get it over with.

Oh joy! Spikeo and Molliet, take three! They get to the point of holding both hands when... Kaientai interrupts! They're apparently excited that they have mastered their self-overdubbing ability to the level where they no longer require the magic microphones. They tell our two lovers to go on ahead with their romance, but just to let them watch. Given that the two of them have been perfectly willing all along to let a cameraman with a live camera watch, this seems like a modest enough request, but our couple takes off nevertheless. I'm just begging them to run one more segment like that.

--

And now here's Shane coming down Seamstress aisle. He meets Kane, asks where his brother is, and finds out a little faster than he was expecting. After Taker plants Shane into a nearby ice machine a couple of times, Kane steps in and tells his brother to knock it off already, something about a bad smell, and that Shane's not his man. Well, technically Kane shouldn't absolutely KNOW that unless... oh no...

Cut to our announcers who discuss this situation. Tazz absolves Taker of gross gullibility, but Cole, a company man if there ever was one, makes a startling if perhaps inadvertent confession: "This is not... sports entertainment." Absolutely right, Michael, and if it isn't sports entertainment, what exactly is it doing on a sports entertainment show?? Hmmm???

While we're mulling that over, let's review Jeff Hardy's Light Heavyweight title win from earlier on.

Cut to Edge and Christian, who note that now both Hardys have singles gold, while they have nothing. But they're not bitter, and they're definitely not jealous. And they're absolutely positively not upset at each other that due to miscommunication they both entered in the King of the Ring tournament and just know that fate has decreed that they will run up against each other at some point in the tournament. Not a bit.

--

Let's review last Monday, where Rhyno put away Tazz to secure his spot in the King of the Ring.

As Vince suits up, Regal pops in to let him know that all the, um, arrangements have been made for tonight's main event, and that he can practically "guarantee" a victory for McMahon and Austin tonight. McMahon appreciates Regal's choice of word, although deep down he's wishing HE'D used the word first.

*****Test vs. Edge (w/Christian) in a King of the Ring qualifier, loser has to add a letter to his name.

Test is the bigger man, so he dominates the early going, knocking Edge out of the ring. Test follows outside, intimidates Christian, then sets off in chase of Edge, who goes all the way around the ring and back inside, and Test, the poor dope, sees Edge back in the ring already but rounds one more corner anyway and right into Christian's ambush. D'oh! Back outside, Edge, knowing how much his opponent has been compared to Kevin Nash, decides to help complete the look by ruining Test's right knee, starting with dropping it on the barrier and going on to very many other such attacks over the course of several minutes. Test tries to fight back, but it isn't until he hits a tilt-a-whirl slam that he get any meaningful break in Edge's momentum. Test with some token offense until Christian distracts him and Edge hits a spear. But only for two, as Edge is slow to cover. Big boot by Test, but not as effective because of the damage done, so Test follows with a pumphandle slam, but Christian is there to put Edge's foot on the ropes. Test responds to that by stealing Christian's stocking cap and giving him the big boot, but this gives Edge an opening to hit the Unprettier and that's enough to score the pinfall.

And here's our tag champions! They're up next!

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*****The Crippling Chrisses vs. ......

But before the challengers come out, here's Commissioner Regal out yet again, with an announcement: the Chrisses have been booked into an additional match tonight...

*****The Crippling Chrisses vs. the APA in a non-title match

Now at the risk of getting too smart over this, there's at least two ways the champs could defeat this strategy. One would be to stall until TV time runs out. While that might not be so successful for them since they can always edit in more time later, that might force them to cut the Spike and Molly segments from the show. The other, which I can understand might not occur to them, would be to simply throw the match, either lying down at the first convenient opportunity (Faarooq's spinebuster on Benoit would have been a good choice), leaving the ring and getting counted out, or, here's an idea, grabbing a couple of chairs and making the APA earn their dough the hard way.

But no, the champs play it straight, and right into Austin and McMahon's hands, by engaging the Acolytes in a big brawl. After taking considerable damage, they score the victory a few minutes in with a Benoit DDT and a Jericho Lionsault on Faarooq, thus setting up the worst of all possible scenarios for themselves as Regal has time to present them with another gift...

*****The Crippling Chrisses vs. the Big Show and Rhyno in a non-title match

Rhyno somewhat foolishly rushes ahead of his partner and the Chrisses take a shot at a quick double-team victory over the brash young fellow, but after absorbing a few power moves Rhyno rolls out and gives way to his partner, who the Chrisses also try to double team, but simply get a double clothesline for their trouble. Show picks up Jericho before a retreat can be made and quickly has him in the choke. Benoit steps up and grabs Show's arm as if he was going to attempt the Crossface on him again, but this time Show just swings his arm and tosses Benoit out of the ring.

At this point it doesn't take a HHH to realize that actually winning this match is of little importance to the champs and ending the match one way or another without injury or excessive fatigue a much more pressing concern. Even the announcers have pretty much figured that much out. But not our Y2J+1, who fearlessly rushes right up and attacks the Big Show, completely unfazed by the no-sell he is getting. Finally Show just picks him up, presses him and drops him. After that Jericho is pretty much stuck playing beverage defecator in peril for a while, but this match has to be short so it isn't long before Benoit gets the hot tag and starts chopping away at Show. He teases a German suplex attempt but that ain't happening. Jericho finally intervenes with a missile dropkick to put Show on the mat, Rhyno enters and SHOOTS HE tosses himself out of the ring. Meanwhile Jericho is attempting to put the Great Wall of China on Show, and actually gets it. Benoit chips in with the Crossface just for fun, but that leaves Rhyno unaccounted for and wouldn't you know it, he'd be one to end the pretense of winning this match being of any importance by bringing in the chair, whacking both opponents and drawing the DQ.

Of course now the fun really begins as the post-match beatdown kicks in. Stomps for Jericho. Big Show chokeslam for Benoit. RHYNO SHOOTS, HE GORES!!!!!!! Jericho. (*Finally* got that one out!!) Another chokeslam for Benoit inside the ring, and RHYNO SHOOTS, HE GORES!!!!! Jericho again on the outside. Finally the sound booth comes to the rescue by playing Show's music and thus the beating is ended.

And it is at this point that Regal is more than happy to announce:

*****The Crippled Chrisses vs. Mr. Fairness and Stone Cold Feet Austin for the Tag Team championship

In the ring, McMahon talks Austin into letting him cover Benoit for the pinfall, and of course that almost completely backfires as Jericho comes alive and manages to keep Austin occupied while Benoit kicks out of two pinfall attempts and then comes to life himself and puts the Crossface on Vince. Austin manages to disengage from Jericho long enough to make the save, and McMahon hastily tags out. Austin goes for the Stunner, but Benoit dodges his grasp and starts hitting German suplexes again. One, two, three, four... and finally it's Vince in for the save. Austin dumps Benoit outside and he follows to reprise those nasty announcer's table shots from last week, letting Jericho in on the fun this time around. Austin puts Benoit up top and goes there himself. Last week going up backfired, this week Austin tries a superplex... and hits! Cover, but Benoit's shoulders are left quite free to move and move them he does. Austin tries putting Benoit in the Crossface, but they're not going to buy Vince McMahon, match participant, declaring himself the winner, so Benoit just hangs on until his partner gathers his wits enough to make the save.

For an encore Jericho puts McMahon in the Walls. McMahon taps, but they're not legal. But it does keep referee Hebner well enough occupied to miss seeing Austin hit the Stunner and cover for what would have been an easy pin. So Austin has to get up and break Jericho's hold himself. Stunner on Jericho, but Jericho's still not legal. Austin stomps him out of the ring, Hebner backs him off... and right into a Benoit rollup, one, two, he's got the tights so hard we're literally being mooned!, three!!

Austin is livid and you just know he's got all he can handle keeping himself from stunning McMahon out of sheer instinct. Instead he fumes impotently about the tights pull and the Chrisses celebrate as we fade out.

==

Well, it wasn't a great show. Certainly not by the standards of the last two weeks, and pretty darned mediocre on an absolute scale. The wrestling was decent enough, I suppose, but the plot holes in the main event were just a bit too large for me, and now there's three undercard angles seriously annoying me.

HOWEVER....

Smackdown was not the most irritating or frustrating wrestling-related experience I would have this week. Just as I was finishing up this week's report, it came time for me to take an on-site visit to a show being put on by a group known as the Unified Wrestling Federation. No small-time indie fed this was supposed to be, bragging such stars as Kevin Nash, Jeff Jarrett, and Scott Steiner and featuring no less than Curt Hennig and Jimmy Hart in their local TV ad spots. Now, according to their website, the UWF holds weekly shows every Friday night at the Fair Park Coliseum just outside of downtown Dallas. So I figured what the heck, let's see what they have to show for themselves, if nothing else I'll get some good material for a column.

One hour later, I redubbed this new federation the Undercover Wrestling Federation. And I say this because they have apparently fooled me. Fooled me into believing that there was, in fact, not a wrestling show taking place at the Fair Park Coliseum this Friday evening, or that perhaps I had failed to locate the proper venue. There were no signs, no signs of any kind, mind you, indicating the nature of the event that was taking place within the confines of the Coliseum. The people walking in might well have been wrestling fans, but just as easily music fans, attending some rock concert.

Finally, faced with the prospect of having to decide whether to buy a ticket just to find out what, if anything, was going on in there, harboring a sinking feeling that I just screwed up big time, and feeling somewhat self-conscious in that the Kaientai T-shirt I was wearing was the only visible item that could be directly linked to wrestling, the Ônays' finally won out and I returned to my inner sanctum to finish up this report.

Even now I don't know what, if anything, I missed. But a funny thing did happen on my way back. I happened to pass one of Dallas' many public transit busses. Nothing unusual in that, of course, nor was really the fact that the bus was covered in its entirety by a single advertisement. What I couldn't help but notice was what the ad was for. A certain UPN program called "Smackdown!".

It was only the second wrestling-related item I had seen in my entire two-hour sojourn to, around, and back from downtown Dallas. And it kind of helped put things in perspective.

If the UWF wants any more publicity from me they're going to have to show me they actually want it. Show me they actually care if anyone else cares about them. Heck, showing me they still exist would at least help. Because until then, as far as I am concerned, they don't.

Next week: The Hollys convince the Undertaker that Spike is the stalker. Hilarity ensues. Or not.