by "Netcop" Scott Keith

- Okay, so my roommate wanted to watch a bunch of old-school ECW stuff, and it's all around 90 minutes long each, so I figured I'd just do a multi-show rant in the Coliseum Video Rant style.

Show #1: ECW Summer Sizzler 93

- Tod Gordon and Jay Sulli are your hosts for this. Mr. Sulli and Paul Heyman are doing the commentary, with Paul in full heel mode. This was during the VERY early days of ECW. The bingo hall looks positively bare.

- Opening match, ECW TV title: Jimmy Snuka v. JT Smith. Sulli manages to annoy the shit out of me 5 SECONDS IN. We start out with stalling and an exciting headlock/shoulderblock sequence. This is total bush league stuff. Question: Does the local store in Paul E's neighborhood have one of those "Do Not Accept Cheques From..." signs in his honor? A fan in the back keeps holding up a sign that says "Clean". 10 points for to-the-pointedness, minus several million for style. Jimmy Snuka defies physics by moving slower than anything in the physical world, finishing the match with a piledriver and Superfly splash. 0 for 1.

- First blood match: Tony Stetson v. Larry Winters. Stetson became known as the Broadstreet Bully in later years. They used to be tag partners, now they're not. Stetson hits a very fast-paced sequence of stuff, leading to a top rope legdrop. He pulls off the turnbuckle pad and the fans chant "We want blood". The bitter hand of irony interjects itself and Stetson goes headfirst to the exposed turnbuckle. Stetson quickly comes back and rams Winters backfirst to the turnbuckle. Winters kicks away at Stetson's forehead, trying to draw blood. Winters is AWFUL. The Rockin' Rebel does a run-in on Stetson's behalf, allowing Stetson to pull an international object out of his tights and nail Winters to draw blood for the win. The Winters-dominated portion was pretty bad, but we'll be generous and go 1 for 2.

- Catfight: Peaches v. Tigra. Peaches is Lori Fullington, wife of the ex-Sandman. The referee is Kevin Christian, son of Jerry Lawler. The match proceeds as crappily as you'd expect, some clothing gets ripped out, and Tigra tries to run. She gets chased back in by Angel, who is no one of note. The match gets thrown out, but Rockin' Rebel and Tony Stetson run in and pull the top off of the new girl, revealing a set of HUGE puppies. Well, the match stunk, but there WAS gratuitous nudity, so we'll go 2 for 3.

- ECW TV title match (again?): Jimmy Snuka v. Tommy Cairo. Paul E. has left the broadcast booth and joined Snuka at ringside. Terry Funk replaces him on color. No explanation as to why Snuka is wrestling twice is ever given. Snuka stalls to start, complaining about hair pulls. Cairo comes with a pair of armdrags and a nice leg lariat. Snuka is like, "None of this wrestling shit in MY matches" and goes to work with Memphian eye-pokes and chops. Cairo comes back again with some really nice, crisp stuff, prompting Snuka to bail and stall again. Man, it's SO obvious that Cairo is carrying this thing. Paul E trips Cairo and Snuka gets the pin. Snuka just dragged it down too far and it was only about 5 minutes long anyway. 2 for 4.

- Street Fight: The Sandman v. The Rockin' Rebel. Rebel has a t-shirt that says "I had Peaches" on the front and "She was the pits" on the back. In a truly surreal moment, Sandman uses "Surfin' USA". Seriously. Sandman whoops ass for a couple of minutes but the Rebel blocks a cross-corner whip with a foot to the head and hits a bulldog off the top. Then...he...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...rips Sandman's shirt off. MY EYES! I'M BLIND! They fight to the outside and Sandman uses a chair (a chair? In ECW?) to take control and hits something off the top rope, wiping out the referee. Tony Stetson interferes, but Sandman comes back with an Erik Wattsian dropkick off the top, and some chick comes in (she's never named) and hairsprays Sandman, allowing Rebel to get the pin. I hate this Eddie Gilbert Memphis overbooking shit. 2 for 5.

- Dick Murdoch v. Dark Patriot #2. Paul E. comes out to rant about something, and Murdoch attacks him, only to get jumped by Patriot #2. The original Dark Patriot was Doug Gilbert's evil alter ego. I don't know who this one is. Terry Funk is having a ball cheering for Murdoch while insulting him at the same time. Funny stuff. Murdoch kicks ad punches, but the Dark One sticks...wait for it...a piece of fruit in his mask and headbutts Murdoch to take control. I almost (for a moment) fear that Murdoch will blade from the shot. I feel like making a Monty Python reference for some reason. Murdoch rolls through a slam and gets the pin. Not a great match, but Murdoch was trying really hard and Funk's commentary was hilarious, so 3 for 6.

- The Suicide Blonds & Hunter Q Robbins v. Sal Bellomo, Stevie Wonderful and Super Destroyer #1. Robbins is a Slick wannabe manager. The Blonds are Johnny Hot Body (subbing for Chris Candido) and Richard Michaels. Joey Styles (of PWI) makes his debut on color commentary...as a heel. Stevie Wonderful is a DDP-ish scrawny manager. Joey is REALLY funny insulting the fans...thank god Sulli didn't end up as the full-time announcer. Really, really bad match with stalling six ways from Sunday, which is supposed to build anticipation for the battle of the managers. Match goes on with a couple of okay spots until Sal hits the, ahem, pizza splash on one of the Blonds for the pin. The managers were never a factor, even though conventional booking wisdom says that the heel manager goes over one of the wrestlers in this situation. Oh well. 3 for 7. Sulli wishes Joey goodbye and hopes they can work together again. I'm pretty sure that Sulli never did another show after this.

- Chain match: Terry Funk v. Eddie Gilbert. Looooooooooong stall to start as they feel each other out for a few minutes. I've *never* understood the appeal of this gimmick. They do some token "try to touch all four corners" spots and then start brawling outside. Funk blades off a shot to the table. Not a very good one, either. Gilbert follows suit later. They fight to the entrance and back to the ring. John Finnegan gets wiped out and Kevin Christian takes his place. Terry drags Eddie to all four corners, but Paul E was arguing with the ref. Gilbert nails Funk from behind with a chair and drags him to all four for the win and the "King of Philadelphia title". It was no Sting v. Vader, that's for sure. 3 for 8. Tod Gordon fires Kevin Christian, who promptly casts his lot with Paul E Dangerously and Eddie Gilbert.

Bottom Line #1: Eh. Just another indy promotion at this point, and I really hate Gilbert's booking style. Not worth getting.

Show #2: ECW When Worlds Collide.

- From May of 1994.

- Opening match: Tommy Dreamer v. The Rockin' Rebel. Joey sells Tommy as having earned the respect of the ECW fans and shedding his "pretty boy" image, but really he didn't until Sandman caned him to within an inch of his life. I mean, shit, how can anyone ever have considered Tommy "Poster Boy For Wearing Shirts" Dreamer as a pretty boy? Dreamer pulls out a Liger-esque (well, a fat lazy Liger) rolling kick to start. Dreamer actually seems to have it in high gear for this. Oops, spoke too soon, a-resting we go. Crowd chants "You both suck" while Joey talks about how popular Dreamer is with the ECW crowd. For those who don't know, Dreamer used to be about as popular as Rocky Maivia...wait, that's a bad example. Umm...let's go with Erik Watts. Joey is obviously still learning his craft at this point. Rebel tries a belly-to-back, but Tommy's ass is too fat, so Dreamer falls on top for two. Dreamer gets a leaping DDT and goes for a Superfly splash (which Joey misses -- Dreamer got killed by Jimmy Snuka at the Night The Line Was Crossed) but misses and Rebel takes over. Dreamer hits a fat-assed Thesz press for the pin. That looked really bad. Decent match otherwise. 1 for 1.

- ECW World TV title match: Mikey Whipwreck v. 911. Do you THINK there'll be a screwjob ending here? DO YA THINK? Great visual as the TV belt literally hangs off Mikey. This whole storyline was pretty great, actually, with Mikey getting the TV title on a fluke and then having every monster heel in the promotion tossed at him, only to keep the title by DQ every time. The skits in between with the Public Enemy offering Mikey condolence cards on his upcoming death were priceless. So here's the match: 911 chokeslams Mikey, but doesn't pin him. Another chokeslam, and again he doesn't cover. Mikey is dead. I think he might literally be dead. Another chokeslam, but referee Pee Wee Moore gets in the way, so 911 chokeslams him too, and that's a DQ. Mikey keeps the title. Pee Wee takes a wicked chokeslam. Another chokeslam for Pee Wee and Paul E administers last rites. Joey: "Wait a minute...HE'S JEWISH! What does he know about last rites?" Funny, funny stuff. 2 for 2. This would mark one of the very, very few DQs ever in ECW.

- Kevin Sullivan v. Jimmy Snuka. Nancy the whore is with Kevin. Snuka has his Captain Caveman outfit on tonight. They brawl into the crowd right away, with Sullivan blatantly smashing the ringbell hammer into Snuka's nuts. That was...unpleasant. Fans donate a crutch and a frying pan for Kevin. Kevin controls with some ultra-weak chops, but the Sandman wanders out and takes Woman to the back. Woman & Sandman? It'll never last. Hunter Q. Robbins trips Sullivan and Snuka pins him. Bleh. 2 for 3. Sullivan smashes the crutch into Robbins's crotch a few times and pantses him. What is with Sullivan and other guy's crotches? Geez, Kevin, see a therapist or something.

- Sandman & Woman v. Tommy Cairo & Peaches. Okay, I gotta say that Sandman using Billy Joel's "Big Shot" just doesn't work. The loser gets caned here. Cairo destroys Sandman to start in impressive fashion. I'm surprised this guy didn't get picked up at some point by the Big Two. Sandman was slowly morphing from beach bum to, well, The Sandman by this point. Short match as Cairo destroys Sandman until the inevitable catfight breaks out. Cairo drags Woman off and Peaches covers Sandman for the pin. And then Cairo...pulls down Sandman's pants. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!! I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! ALL I CAN SEE IS HORRIBLE VISIONS OF JIM FULLINGTON'S ASS! STOP THE BURNING!

...

Okay, I'm better now. Sandman gets the cane and whacks Cairo, then Woman does the honors on Peaches. This pretty much defined Sandman's character, as he brought the cane with him from then on. 2 for 4.

- The Tazmaniac v. Pitbull #1. Pee Wee Moore returns to reffing duty. No, hold on a sec.

- 911 v. Pee Wee Moore. Splat.

- The Tazmaniac v. Pitbull #1. Okay, now John Finnegan gets the reffing job. The Tazmaniac is of course better known as "That no-selling talentless piece of shit" today. And speaking of Captain Caveman...it's the Tazmaniac's old outfit. A bit of brawling and then Pitbull goes to work with devastating restholds, prompting the crowd to chant "Mikey" in order to mock him. Joey notes that Taz doesn't speak English -- I guess "fuck you, you piece of shit" is a foreign language. Either that or he's a real fast learner. Zen and I make "Secrets of Pro Wrestling" jokes about Gary Wolfe to pass the time during this excrutiatingly bad match. Tazmaniac does some suplexes to come back, but a greco-roman chain to the head gets the pin for the Pitbull. Yay. 2 for 5.

- Elimination match: Shane Douglas, Mr. Hughes & The Public Enema v. J.T. Smith & The Bruise Brothers. Shane throws out an open challenge to Ric Flair. Some things never change. Hawk was supposed to be on the latter team, but he was injured so it's 4 on 3. One of the Bruise brothers gets ganged up on by the heels for an extended period of time. And, uh, that's about all that happens for the first 10 minutes. Probably the only time you'll ever see TPE on the mat working a legbar. That, by the way, is by far not a good thing. Crowd is wholly uninterested in this thing. The other Harris makes the tag and kicks the shit out of Douglas. I was infinitely relieved when Public Enema started doing the psychotic brawls with Cactus Jack in 1994, thus eliminating the need for them to ever attempt to wrestle again. JT Smith tags in and the heels go to work on *his* knee and the crowd is even less impressed. And this thing gets like 25 minutes! A Bruise brother gets the hot tag and cleans house, but makes the STUPID mistake of tagging the severely injured Smith back into the match, who is double-teamed by the Public Enema. Meanwhile, Douglas, Hughes and the Brothers Bruise are all counted out. So it's 2-on-1 with JT against TPE. They continue beating on JT's knee. Long figure-four from Rocco. Due to heel miscommunication, however, Smith gets a pair of cheap rollups to be the sole survivor. NEXT! 2 for 6.

- Sabu & Bobby Eaton v. Terry Funk & Arn Anderson. Sabu and Funk start. Bit of a mess which ends with Funk getting slammed through the timekeeper's table. Bobby Eaton's green and pink tights make me fear for my picture tube's continued health. Sabu gets a couple of chairshots in as Funk twitches. Arn tags in and indicates his desire to go after Bobby, getting the crowd excited. Joey makes a crack about Bobby's partner at the time -- Steve Keirn -- making a Doink joke, which takes us a couple of minutes to piece together because it's so obscure, given how many partners Eaton's had and how many people have played Doink. Funk and Sabu have an interesting segment, including a Funk powerbomb (!). Joey: "They went down faster than the [buyrate] for a WCW pay per view!" Oooooo, that's just mean. Big brawl breaks out as Arn goes to town with a chair on both Eaton and Sabu. Back in the ring and Sabu hits a moonsault on Arn, but doesn't cover. Eaton comes in for the Alabama Jam, which gets two. Sabu slingshots in with a senton and a moonsault for 2.99999. Arn comes back with a pair of DDTs as Funk and Eaton battle to the announce position. Arn hits a third DDT on Sabu as Funk piledrives Eaton on the announce table. Arn with the spinebuster, and now the Public Enema are attacking Funk. Arn fights them away with a chair. Funk and Sabu go at it again in the ring, and Funk blades his own knee for effect. Arn comes in to help, but Funk accidentally nails him with a chair. Uh oh, that's not a good idea, Terry. Sure enough, Arn tosses Sabu out of the ring and proceeds to dismantle his own partner with the chair, allowing Sabu to put a half-crab on Funk for the submission. 3 for 7.

- Paul E. gives a great ranting and raving interview about the Funk brothers to end.

The Bottom Line #2: Pretty decent introduction to ECW overall. Nothing terribly offensive, so I'll go with a mild recommendation.