by "Netcop" Scott Keith

The Netcop BigAss Coliseum Rant V: Subtitles Suck!

[Warning: Only contains 33% new material]

The WWF "Tuesday Night Titans" video fell into my lap tonight, and I thought I'd share my pain with you, RSPW readers, but I wanted to make another 3-in-1 rant out of it, so I went back to DejaNews and dug up two video reviews that I don't have archived: The Hart Foundation & More Saturday Night's Main Event. Both are from the beginning of 1996, and I was significantly more long-winded back then. I've edited out a lot of the editorial comments, but the main portion remains the same. My review style has changed since then, so if you're thrown off just remember that it was written 2 and a half years ago.

So enjoy the TNT video review, which will be followed by two retro Retro Rants.

Tape #1: WWF's Explosive TNT Show

- This is a different kind of video, because there's no wrestling, just interviews and skits from the ill-conceived "Tuesday Night Titans" show on USA from years back. The concept is that it's a late-night style talk show, hosted by Vince and co-hosted by Alfred Hayes, with nothing but wrestlers as guests and skits in between.

Opening bit: FUJI VICE~! Explanation: One of the running gags on the show was that Mr. Fuji and Don Muraco were constantly trying for an acting career, and this was the masterpiece. So Fuji and Muraco are playing vice cops on the beaches of Miami investigating a drug-related murder. Fuji is Philip Michael Thomas and Muraco is Don Johnson. Now here's the brilliant part: Everyone plays it absolutely straight, with Fuji maintaining his bad accent even while wearing a stylish suit. Fuji and Muraco are horrible actors, of course, but that just adds to the brilliance. This is the kind of understated camp that WCW wished they could pull off in 1993. Widely considered the highmark for the TNT show. 1 for 1.

- Bobby Heenan meets a weasel. You see, Vince brings out a kid with a pet weasel to see if Heenan really does look like one. Heenan gets indignant. 1 for 2.

- Clip of Hoss (Dory) Funk v. George Welles.

- Texas barbeque with the Funk family. Jimmy Hart bastes a roasting chicken while Jimmy Jack paces like a madman. The payoff comes as Alfred Hayes pisses off Jimmy Jack, and Dory dumps barbeque sauce on him and strings him up from a nearby tree. Lord Alfred getting hung is good enough for a point by me. 2 for 3.

- Cooking lessons with Captain Lou. He's making Christmas cookies for George Steele and is of course completely repulsive. He mixes everything into a bowl haphazardly, and then dumps it over Alfred's head. Kind of dumb. 2 for 4.

- Clips of Nikolai Volkoff v. one of the Strongbows.

- This Is Your Life, Nikolai Volkoff. Of course, he's still wearing his one and only suit. First reminiscer: Freddie Blassie. He discovered him in an Olympic gym in 1980. Sure. Second reminiscer: His sister Olga. "Nikolai, remember when we went to Gorky Park and got sick on the rides?" Funny line. She has the worst Russian accent ever, of course, and is dressed like a 19th century peasant. She has a "baby picture" of Nikolai, which is a picture of a baby with Nikolai's head pasted on it. Really funny. Nikolai has trouble keeping a straight face through the verbal abuse as she accuses him of throwing away her ballet career in order to sculpt animals out of leftover wood pieces. Obviously he had no clue what was going to happen to him in this, but he manages to keep up pretty well. 3 for 5.

- Clips of Adonis & Murdoch v. Atlas & Garea.

- Clips of Hulk Hogan v. "Adorable" Adrian to illustrate the change.

- Adrian Adonis gets a makeover. He hits on McMahon 10 years before Goldust. Pretty pointless. 3 for 6.

- Clips of Don Muraco v. Hulk Hogan.

- Don Muraco gets a massage from two bikini-clad women. Muraco is covered in oil and everyone is on the verge of losing it. Cute but pointless. 3 for 7.

- Baffle the Brain. Hayes asks some wrestling trivia:

1) What city did Tito Santana win the I-C title from Valentine in?
2) What was the name of Lou Albano's tag team partner, and the name of the team?
3) Who was Freddy Blassie's only World champion, and who beat him for it?
4) Who was the only man (at the time) to win all three titles?
5) Name two managers on the inside of "The Wrestling Album"?

He gets the first four right, but misses the last one and then tries to lie his way out of it. 4 for 8. This gets a point because I'd like to see half of RSPW get those questions right. Don't go sending me the answers, I already know them. I leave it as an exercise for RSPW to get these without using the PWI Almanac.

- Roddy Piper & Bob Orton, re: The Hillbillies. Clips of a six-man featuring Orton, Piper and Ventura against the Hillbillies are shown. The heels cheat to win of course. We come back to talk with Piper and he does his Bruno Sammartino impersonation. He makes fun of Vince's hair for kicks. 5 for 8, but only because of Piper's antics.

- Mr. Fuji and Don Muraco offer a retrospective of their acting ventures. Clips include "Fuji General" (the soap opera bit with Muraco as a cheating lowlife doctor), "Fuji Bandito" (the western bit with Muraco as a grizzled gunslinger and Moolah as his little missy) and "Fuji Chan" (the murder mystery bit with Fuji as a famous cliche-spewing Chinese detective). The idea was that these were the tryout tapes that were to be sent to studios in Hollywood to launch their acting careers, and of course they're the only ones who are oblivious to how bad their acting is. Incredibly funny stuff. 6 for 8.

- Fuji and Muraco go to Hollywood. TV didn't work, so now they're trying movies. But first they have to find an agent. So they show him their stuff (from the above bullet) and get laughed out of the office. Next up it's the movie studio, but the security guard won't let them in. So they try another one and this time attempt to bribe the guard. That doesn't work, so they hit CBS where "Hulk Hogan's Rock N Wrestling" is being filmed and harass Mean Gene. So Gene relents and finally lets them on TV, filming a scene with them where he reads a fan letter and presents them with an attached gift: "Acting Lessons for Bad Actors". Not as strong as the actual bits, but Fuji and Muraco are a GREAT comic team. 7 for 9.

- Ebineezer Piper. This would be Roddy Piper's take on "A Christmas Carol". Christmas past: A young Roddy Piper (in kilt and tartan) steals lunch money from classmates. Christmas present: Piper steals all the Scotch tape from the Cratchetts (so they can't wrap their presents, you see). Christmas to come: Piper is dead. Or at least in WCW trying to be cool while in his mid-40s. Piper fires one-liners at the ghosts the whole time, and when Marley sums everything up for him, Piper beats him up and goes back to sleep. Cute, but didn't really click. 7 for 10.

- The Mating Game. A woman poses questions for Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart and Jimmy Hart in a Dating Game spoof. Bret Hart isn't particularly charismatic here. All 3 come off sounding like idiots, of course. She refuses to date any of them and storms off. So Vince brings out a substitute, a homely woman with a huge mole on her upper lip. Neidhart gets chosen. Bret and Jimmy leave him to the wolves. 7 for 11.

The Bottom Line #1: This is actually a fairly decent tape for what it is: A tongue-in-cheek entertainment show that definitely cannot be accused of taking itself seriously. If you want wrestling, skip it, but if you were around back then, it's worth a look just for the Fuji/Muraco show.

Tape #2: The Hart Foundation.

- Match #1: WWF Tag champs Davey Boy Smith & Dynamite Kid v. Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart. One of the definitive moments in WWF history. Dynamite Kid is suffering from a cripping back injury (so bad Smith had to carry him to the ring piggyback) and the Harts are ready for a title reign. And they get one. Smith beats up the Harts single-handedly, but that evil referee Danny Davis is too busy admonishing Dynamite for lying around on the floor, and the Harts whale on Smith after an attack from behind. One Hart Attack and Davis three-count later, and we have new champions. An important match for several reasons. First, this was the big turning point in the Danny Davis saga. Up to this point, it was all subtle clues and innuendo. Now he had actually cost someone a title. Second, this marked the end of the British Bulldogs. Sure, they were still around until 1988, but it was an often-injured old man and a steroid mutant masquerading as them. You can't watch DBS in these matches and DBS now and say it's the same person. Third, the Hart Foundation were no longer a joke. Up until now, they were basically well-respected mid-carders who looked big and mean but always ended up jobbing to the Killer Bees. Now they were WWF tag champions, and this win pretty much launched the Legend of Bret Hart. 1 for 1.

- Match #2: Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart v. Jacques & Raymond Rougeau (September 1986, MSG). This was back in the Harts' days as mid-card whipping boy tag team. Hey, Vince, remember when there were enough tag teams to HAVE mid-card whipping boys? You know, as in, like, more than TWO? But I digress. The Harts dress in BLUE for this match. An astounding number of restholds for a Harts/Rougeaus match, considering the great matches they used to put on. Maybe the producers just picked a bad one. This is a standard pre-New Generation WWF formula tag team match, and if you don't what that involves, don't even bother renting this tape. :) Rougeaus win on an illegal sunset flip (wrong man in ring). 2 for 2, but barely.

- Match #3: Bret Hart v. Ricky Steamboat. (?? 1986, Boston Garden). Yes, we have a singles match between Hart and Steamboat, and damn it's a good one. This was, of course, back when Bret was just one half of a pretty good tag team, and not, you know, BRET HART. Steamboat does all the standard ArmDragon signature moves, but what really makes this one stand out for me is the fact that Bret Hart is just Bret Hart, and not, you know, BRET HART. No FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! to be seen. He does the turnbuckle run a couple of times, but then he should be doing that every match so no big deal. Gorilla Monsoon doesn't even hint at saying "Excellence of Execution." Bret looks downright weird in all-black tights, and much thinner than he does now. Slow to start, but the action picks up soon enough. Jimmy Hart is hilarious on the outside ("Quit picking your nose and COVER HIM!") and it's sad to watch him now. Steamboat is calling this one in to start, but Bret seems to try very hard to make it a good match and succeeds. Ref gets KO'd, Hart hits his end of the Hart Attack clothesline, but of course no pin. Ref up, Hart hits cross-body, and since it's Steamboat it gets reversed for the pin. 3 for 3.

- Match #4: Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart & Honky Tonk Man v. Davey Boy Smith & Tito Santana & Junkfood Dog. (December 1986, from Wrestling Challenge.) Let's see...we have JYD *and* HTM in the same match. 'Nuff said. :( Faces get pin after whipping all three Harts into each other. Bret does the job. 3 for 4.

- Scheme Gene does an "investigative report" of the secret Hart Foundation HQ. Very....long....and....boring....sketch. Must.....hit......fast..... forward....Ah. There we go. Basically, Gene gets the runaround for waaaaaaaaay to long from about four different bimbos (in his words, not mine) and acts like his WWF press card actually means something. Uh-huh. His sexist remarks are really quite sickening, actually. Finally, he bursts in on Jim Neidhart playing with Hart Foundation action figures (beating up a Davey Boy Smith figure.) He makes fun of them, but I would like to point out that I had all three, plus about 30 more. Has meaningless coversation with Harts while they get massaged by the "bimbos" (and I thought Bret was happily married...) All-in-all, a totally pointless waste of 25 minutes that could have been better spent with The Hart Foundation v. The Young Stallions from Saturday Night's Main Event. But then, that match hadn't happened yet when this was released... 3 for 5.

- Match #5: Tito Santana v. Tom "Rocky" Stone. Danny Davis comes running out of the dressing room and tosses the ref out of the ring so he can ref the match. Jack Tunney waddles down after him, and suspends him for life...over the PA. Ouch. Ever heard of a phone, Jack? Tito, now realizing Davis is no longer a ref, tries to relieve his frustration by beating him up, but Jimmy Hart runs in to escort Davis back to the dressing room. Big pop for the suspension. Evil ref angles are a dime a dozen today, however. 3 for 6.

- Match #6: Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart v. Jim Powers & Jerry Allen. (WWF Superstars, 1st appearance of Davis in goofy ref outfit) Okay, The Harts squash Allen & Powers, then Davis cleans house. 3 for 7.

- Match #7: Hilites from the six-man at Wrestlemania III. Bulldogs & Tito v. Harts & Davis. They have like, 14 people announcing this match and when Smith nearly puts Davis through the mat with a piledriver, who calls it? Mary Hart. MARY FRIGGIN' HART. Isn't that supposed to be Monsoon's job? Isn't he supposed to know the names of these moves so the celebrity guests don't HAVE to take up the slack? Nasty looking piledriver, btw. Whilst watching WM III on the big screen back in Vancouver, I was totally marking out while Davey Boy beat the shit out of Davis. Great cathartic moment. Of course, it was ruined when Davis whacked him with the megaphone and scored the pin... 3 for 8.

- Match #8: WWF Tag title match: Davey Boy Smith & Dynamite Kid (champs) v. Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart. (November 1986, Boston Garden) Darn fine match, but then it's the Bulldogs v. The Hart Foundation so by definition it must be. This is a really high impact match for the times (back when a slam on a concrete was hardcore). Of course, when DBS is prone on the floor, and Hart is standing at the ropes, you're sitting there just screaming "TOPE! TOPE!" but it's 1987 WWF so it doesn't happen. Dynamite is injured at this point in time, so Davey Boy plays Ricky Morton and gets the crap beat out of him by the heels for five minutes or so. Dynamite does the hot tag, but the ref gets knocked out soon after. And of course Bret covers Dynamite immediately after. The ref drags himself over and counts 1......2.....but of course The Kid kicks out juuuuuuuust before the three count. Smith recovers, rolls in, rolls up the Anvil and gets the pin to retain the titles. 4 for 9.

Sidenote: One rule of the WWF formula tag matches was as follows:

Rule #14(b): The referee shall ignore who the legal man is following the "Hot Tag" and count the pin on whomever is being pinned by whomever is pinning them, so long as a title change shall not result, unless it's on pay-per-view in which case only the legal face may pin the legal heel, while the illegal heel may pin whoever he damn well pleases.

Match #7: Harts v. Killer Bees (WWF Tag Title match). (February 1987, MSG) Danny Davis lurks at ringside, and the Bees are wearing those stupid tennis shoes. Oy vay. Nothing too notable here. If you've seen one Harts-Bees match, you've seen 'em all. Davis shows his usefulness by clocking B. Brian Blair, enabling Bret to roll him up for the pin. 5 for 10, because I like everyone involved.

The Bottom Line #2: Well, .500 isn't bad. And it's 90 minutes of one of the best teams ever, so who can complain? Especially given the sad state of, well, just about everyone on this tape, today. Might as well give it a look.

Tape #3: More Saturday Night's Main Event.

- We start out with a montage of interviews and funny lines from previous Main Events. Some absolutely hilarious stuff here, mainly from Jesse Ventura. Scheme Gene gets one good shot in, as the announcers are talking about a neck injury received by Bobby Heenan, and Okerlund replies "But then, who cares?" Plus a rather ironic moment with Vince owning up to being from the South, and Ventura checking for a red neck. Of course, we'd never see that bit today...

- First match: Brutus Beefcake v. "Outlaw" Ron Bass. This is the hair v. hair match that resulted from the beating delivered by Bass that kept Beefcake out of Summerslam '88 and cost Honky Tonk Man his title. You'd think that for a show aired at midnight they could have a wee bit more mayhem than what we usually got. But such are the dreams of fools like I. Crowd is NOT into this one at all, and it shows. It's canned heat central during this one, up until Beefcake makes the inevitable comeback and hits the sleeper. 0 for 1. This was aired after Royal Rumble 89, where Ron Bass showed up already bald.

- Second match: The Rockers v. The Brainbusters. Awesome. Shawn Michaels is god, but then we know that now. Too bad it took most of us so long to realize it, otherwise the Rockers might have had better fortunes than they did during their tenure in the WWF. A minimum of recycled Anderson stuff, with the exception of the spot where he goes for a pump splash and his opponent lifts their knees, and some super work from all involved. No spectacular Sabu-type stuff, just solid tag team stuff. Well, there was one Shawn Michaels tope, but it was near the end. Double-countout deducts 1/2 a star, though. ****1/2, and easy 1 for 2. *This* is why I wanted this tape, and it's worth the 3 bucks to rent it.

[Note from 1998 Scott: Why the FUCK didn't I do better blow by blow for this? AAARGH!]

- Third match: Terry (I refuse to call him by that *other* name) Taylor v. Tito Santana. Bobby Heenan is miked for this one. Yep, it's the Taylor face turn match. Surprisingly entertaining match from two good workers, though. The angle detracts from the match a lot, however, since Taylor spends a good deal of time arguing with his soon-to-be ex-manager. Heenan yells at Taylor, and Santana rolls him up for the pin. After the match, Taylor beats the shit out of Heenan. There's a definite "beat the shit out of helpless managers" trend that was running through the WWF at this time, and the count for this tape is one so far, with more to come. 1 for 3.

- Fourth match: Owen "Blue Blazer" Hart v. Ted Dibiase. Pretty blase match from two super workers. Hey, kids, remember when Owen could throw a dropkick? Seriously, though, this was from 1988 and he's already degenerating due to a groin injury and bum knee. Dibiase attacks Owen after his moonsault into the ring, beats him up for five minutes, Owen mounts a comeback, tries a cross-body and gets powerslammed (very weakly) for the pin. That's it. Basically a glorified squash. 1 for 4. It seemed better the first time around, but then I was, like, 14 when I first saw it.

- Fifth match: Randy Savage v. Andre The Giant. The match sucks, but then it's Andre so what else is new? And as if the match didn't suck enough by itself, Jake Roberts comes down to ringside to continue the storyline about how much Andre is *yawn* afraid of snakes, and it's a very bad double-DQ. Oh, and Bobby Heenan gets beat up ...again... bringing the Helpless Manager count to 2. 1 for 5.

- Jim Powers v. Big Bossman. It's a squash, with Bossman yelling for Hogan all through the match. 1 for 6.

- Scenes of Bossman attacking Hogan on Brother Love show.

- Hogan interview. I'm sensing a disturbing theme here.

- Brother Love interviews Slick, and who should come down but...Hulk Hogan. He mocks Love and Slick (what a comedian) then beats them up. That brings our total to four helpless manager beatings.

Okay, now I'm not an advocate of beating up helpless managers, but if you're going to cream Brother Love, and god knows we all want to, do it with finesse. Hogan simply handcuffed him to the top rope and clotheslined him over the top rope, then posed. No style. Now, when the Ultimate Warrior beat up the Lovemeister, *there* was style. He dragged him to ringside by his ear, press-slammed him, and splashed him into oblivion. Hogan's was good, Warrior's was better. Just an observation.

- Hulk Hogan v. Akeem. Like we needed to see this. We can all play along at home with this one. Big boot, tries legdrop, Bossman interferes the DQ. 2-on-1, Elizabeth gets handcuffed (bringing our total to five) and Savage makes the save. Paint-by-numbers angle. 1 for 7.

And for the "grand finale" of the tape, we have...

- Hulk Hogan v. Big Bossman (cage match). Vince MacMahon was playing this up as "one of the most brutal bouts in WWF history." That big bad Zeus attacks Hogan for the match, giving Bossman, well, no real advantage. I mean, if he was fighting someone who actually *sold* injuries, then sure, but as it is...

This match is of course notable for Hogan's suplex off the top of the cage, which really wasn't that impressive when you consider the fact that Bossman was doing all the work. And after the move, a move which most wrestlers simply jump up and keep going after, Hogan and Bossman literally laid "unconscious" for 2 minutes. Finally, after waaaaaaaaaaay too long, Hogan gets smart and steals the cuffs, cuffing Bossman to the ropes and beating up Slick. Brings the count to six. He escapes, wins the match, goes back into the cage, and beats up Slick again. We'll count this as beating #7 because it's basically two seperate beatings. It's a famous match and one of Hogan's best, and the one that suddenly made everyone say "Wait a sec..." about Big Bossman's talents, so I'll make it 2 for 8.

The Bottom Line #3: Well, it's 2 for 8, but it's 2 very famous matches. Rockers-Busters is well worth the rental, trust me. Everything else is the usual crapola from the period where all the excesses of the 80s collided with the new reality of the 90s and went KWANG! as the shit hit the fan.