by "Netcop" Scott Keith

Geez, how many of these damn things can I pump out? Eight and counting, baby!

The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant VIII

Tape #1: WWF World Tour. (1990)

- The concept here should be pretty easy to follow, I hope.

- Opening match: Okay, there is none. We start out with a WWF Superstar Profile of Jimmy Snuka. Snuka is a pretty bad interview.

- Opening match: Jimmy Snuka v. Boris Zukhov. I never understood why the WWF grabbed Boris from the AWA and left Soldat Ustinov, who looked like Nikita Koloff (albeit with less talent). Jimmy Hart is in Boris' corner for some reason. Oh, isn't this exciting. Okay, the announcers note that HTM is sick so Hart is managing Zukhov. We're taking a long trip for this one, all the way to the Nassau Coliseum! Boy, one match in and already the concept is shot. If you're wondering why I'm not actually talking about the match, you obviously haven't read enough of my reports. While I'm thinking about it, congratulations to Mark McGwire for hitting more home runs than I thought humanly possible, and extra congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, who get the honor of playing the New York Yankees in the first round of the playoffs. Hee hee. REVENGE~! for the Blue Jays. I finally saw Lethal Weapon 4 last night, and I have to say it's the very definition of "value for your dollar". My attitude towards Richard Donner's movies in general is that as long he blows shit up, I'm happy. And does he ever. Everyone is really funny, too. Chris Rock is a man after my own heart with his constant ranting. A recommended movie. Oh, Snuka wins with the big splash. Whee. 0 for 1.

- Jimmy Snuka v. The Honky Tonk Man. All right, it's the big blowoff match from that Snuka-HTM feud of 1989! In MSG no less. We'll just have to see if we can top the suckitude of the last match. Honky will sell anything for anyone. Talk about a selfless wrestler. Nice to see someone who knows their place in wrestling, and after 18 months as I-C champion, Honky knew his place was to put everyone under the sun over and do it bigtime. Snuka destroys HTM until Hart runs interference, allowing HTM to...get beat up some more outside the ring. Hmm, time to rethink the battle plan, boys. Snuka tries a springboard splash but HTM lifts the knees and takes control. You know, it occurs to me that the entire dynamic of wrestling would be changed forever if referees started working out. I mean, currently every ref in the biz is a skinny wimp whose only defense against the wrestlers is to count. Now, take Danny Davis for example. How effective and believable could this guy have been as a wrestler if a mid-ring collision could knock him out for 10 minutes? The strategy to beat him would be pretty simple -- just shoulderblock him and pin him. And how then could he go back to being a referee afterwards and oversell the ref bumps believably? I mean, this guy was shoved down our throats as a supposed trained wrestler for months, but now he's knocked unconscious by a collision in the corner? It's little stuff like that which exposes the business. I say get some bigger refs and find a more creative way to book screwy finishes. The ECW refs sure don't take any shit. I find the idea of Jim Molineux doing a DDT to be ridiculous, but at least he doesn't have to sell a headbutt like he's shot. Anyway, Snuka wins with a headbutt off the top. 0 for 2.

- Fan Favorite match: Dino Bravo v. Bret Hart. We move to London for this. Now, Bravo used to be built like a luchadore and he could GO, so this may or may not be good, depending on how much steroid he took before the match. Bret is over HUGE, which is odd considering it was only 1989 and his singles push didn't begin until 1991. The usual exchange to start, and Bravo hits an unsupported atomic drop and it looks like it hurt Hart. Bret with a series of clotheslines to come back and Bravo bails. Stalling outside the ring. Back in and Bravo is unable to even be armdragged properly, then blows his half of a crucifix. Tony Schiavone covers for him nicely. Bravo wants to do a kick and punch restfest but Hart keeps stubbornly interjecting that blasted WRESTLING stuff. It should be noted that the crowd pops for Bret's wrestling and is quiet for Bravo's punches and stomps. Bret does his trademark "go flying off the apron and ram headfirst into whatever is in the way" spot. Back in and Bravo goes to the restholds. Side salto for two. Backslide by Hart for two out of nowhere. He gets to work in the "run chestfirst into the turnbuckle at 102 MPH" spot that X-Pac has adopted for his own. Bravo charges the corner and eats boot but Bret misses the elbow. Bravo in turn misses a move off the top (!) and Bret comes back. Backdrop, legdrop for two. Small package for two. Backbreaker for two. Hart reverses a rollover and dropkicks Bravo out of the ring. Pescado! Bravo tries a suplex in, but Hart reverses to a rollup for two, then Bravo hooks the tights to reverse for three. Ehhhhh...might as well call it 1 for 3. It was clean and Hart carried him to a watchable match.

- Footage of Hogan promoting "No Holds Barred" in Brussels. You know, people in less tolerant countries have death penalties for things less serious than making movies as bad as that one...

- Lord Alfred Hayes takes us on a pointless tour of Paris.

- Manager's Profile: Jimmy Hart. He rambles about whatever for a few minutes.

- The Rockers v. The Rougeau Brothers. From Paris. Pier-six to start. I'm betting Shawn and Marty banged the ring-girl who escorted them out. Some cool double-team sequences by the Rockers to control early on. The Rougeaus play the usual cowards. Rockers play mindgames with the Rougeaus while Marty has Raymond in a leglock, which is an odd heelish move. Jacques is going nuts on the apron in a funny bit. Rougeaus take control after Jacques grabs Shawn's hair from the apron. Rougeaus with a drop gutbuster and the cheating begins. It should be noted that this is the first official appearance of Earl Hebner as himself instead of his brother Dave. Before this, he was called Dave from his debut in the Andre-Hogan title switch of 88 until late 1989. Shawn Michaels is playing Ricky Morton, for those who care. Way too many restholds by les Rougeaus Fabuleux for my liking. False tag to Marty, but Jacques hits Ramond by mistake and Marty gets the real hot tag. He's a house of fire! Hart gets it! Jacques with a sunset flip but all hell breaks loose and Marty gets tripped up and piledriven for two. Ref distracted again, Shawn piledrives Jacques and Marty gets the three for the upset win. Disappointing but still okay. 2 for 4.

- WWF title match: Ultimate Warrior v. Ted Dibiase. From the Eggdome in Tokyo from that co-promotional card the WWF did in 1990. Warrior shoves Dibiase around a lot to start. Chops from Dibiase to fight back. Warrior with a shoulderblock, but Dibiase blocks a second one by ramming his head to the mat. Dibiase with chops and punches and a clothesline, and Dibiase is actually getting a face pop from the Japanese crowd, who seem to be chanting something after every move down by him. The Shah of Japan? Warrior starts no-selling out of nowhere, hits the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF HIDEOUS DEATH!, followed by THE SPLASH OF FESTERING PESTILENCE!, for the pin. Dibiase wuz robbed. 2 for 5.

- Honky Tonk Man v. Jim Duggan. From London again. This was during the "King" period for Duggan. Why the hell would the British crowd chant "USA"? Honky starts running right away and keeps it up. You know, people note the emergence of the catchphrase wrestler (HHH and the Outlaws) as though it was a new thing, but Duggan had "HO!" and "USA", both of which were easy singalong material for low-class crowds. The Outlaws' spiel is actually a lot more complicated and thus indicates that the average intelligence of the WWF fan must be getting higher. More syllables and all. On the other hand, the nWo's chief catchphrases (4 life and 2 sweet) are both only 2 syllables, so it can be inferred that the average WWF fan is much more intelligent than the average WCW fan. Yeah, okay, I'm just playing mind games, don't go bombing my mailbox. I'm pretty sure that if Benoit had a catchphrase he'd do much better. I mean, look at DDP: Working class guy, and his catchphrase  (bang) is one syllable. Cactus Jack (bang bang) is two, and he appeals to the smarter hardcore fan. Ric Flair has several catchphrases, ranging from one syllable (Whoo!) up to several (Now we go to school, to be the man, etc), which shows his range of appeal. Al Snow has one (Head), so his catchphrase is easier to remember and thus requires less intelligence. Anyway, talk amongst yourselves. Duggan with the three-point stance for the pin. 2 for 6.

- WWF title match: Hulk Hogan v. Randy Savage. Stalling a go-go. Hogan beats up Sherri to waste more time. You know, the whole violence against women thing really bugs me. I don't mind if people like Sable and Jacky and Luna get whomped by men because it's been established that they can handle themselves against the opposite sex, while people like Francine and Beulah always fall victim to a larger man and are thus relatively helpless in a 1 on 1 situation. Anyway, this match is garbage with stalling and resting galore. Hulk kicks out of the flying axehandle and hulks up, PUNCHES OF DOOM! and he holds Savage for the Elizabeth SLAP OF DEATH! and finishes him with the legdrop to retain. Yay. 2 for 7.

- The Bottom Line: The two matches were very generous points, to say the least. Otherwise, this tape is a total dud.

Tape #2: Brutus The Barber Beefcake.

- We start with a quick montage of Beefcake haircutting hilights to "Barber of Seville".

- A look at the introduction of Beefcake via TNT in 1985. Beefcake is dressed like something out of Boogie Nights.

- Opening match: Hulk Hogan v. Brutus Beefcake. The scary thing is that headlined Starrcade 9 years later and could headline another PPV if things keep going the way they are now. They trade struts and then Beefer gets dumped out of the ring. Beefcake is only about 2 or 3 months into the WWF at this point. Hogan beats the holy hell out of Beefcake until a chase outside the ring results in Brutus taking control with some kicks and punches. A bearhug by Beefcake allows Hogan the opportunity to re-energize and hulk up. Clothesline, bodyslam, legdrop but it only gets two as Johnny V. jumps onto the apron. Beefcake goes for the high knee and collides with Valient, and Hogan rolls him up for the pin. Surprisingly decent. 1 for 1.

- Clips of a match between the Dream Team and the British Bulldogs from Superstars. Dynamite goes for the flying headbutt but Johnny V pushes him off for the DQ.

- Clips of the ending at Wrestlemania 2, as the Bulldogs claim the WWF tag team titles.

- Clips of the six-man match from Superstars as Adonis accidentally cuts Beefcake's hair, setting up...

- Clips from Wrestlemania III as the Dream Team splits up and leaves Beefcake in the ring, which sets up...

- Clips from Wrestlemania III as Roddy Piper puts Adrian Adonis to sleep and Beefcake cuts his hair and becomes, finally setting up...

- Brutus Beefcake v. Johnny Valient. This is Beefcake's debut as the Barber, as he introduces his trademark ripped tights and barber's coat. For those who weren't around, Johnny Valient was the manager of Valentine and Beefcake and used to be a fairly famous wrestler. Beefcake whomps his ass and finishes him with the sleeper. He clips off some hair and spraypaints his hair neon orange. 1 for 2.

- Mean Gene interviews Brutus to fill time.

- Brutus Beefcake v. Greg Valentine. From an episode of Superstars. Valentine has moved onto Jimmy Hart's management. Valentine jumps him quickly but Beefcake comes back with his usual 4 or 5 moves. Greg Valentine doesn't really work well in the context of 4 minute matches. Valentine goes to the top but gets tossed off by Beefcake, who does the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM! and a headbutt to the groin. Beefer puts his head down and gets an elbow to the neck. Valentine tries the figure-four but gets pushed off. Valentine attacks again with more elbows and again has the figure-four blocked. Jimmy Hart goes for the scissors and Beefcake keeps chasing him away, allowing Valentine to attack. Slugfest and Hebner gets tossed. Beefcake with the sleeper but the ref is out. Hart sneaks up with the scissors but Beefcake catches him and tosses him, allowing Valentine to knock him down and slap the figure-four on. Hebner is comatose. Beefcake inches his way to the scissors and grabs them, so Valentine releases the hold as Hebner wakes up and calls for a double-DQ. Good enough for a point. 2 for 3. Kudos to Beefcake for selling a knee injury all the way back to the dressing room.

- Brutus Beefcake v. Honky Tonk Man (non-title). Beefcake is getting big-time face pops at this point. Beefcake whomps Honky with three atomic drops and a right hand to send him bailing. Another atomic drop on the floor and a sunset flip into the ring for two. Cross-corner whip and charge which misses. Fist off the second rope by Honky misses, and Beefcake gets the sleeper, drawing Jimmy Hart into the ring for the quickie DQ. This wasn't much but it was good while it lasted. 3 for 4. Danny Davis attacks after the decision, leading to...

- Brutus Beefcake v. Danny Davis. Wow, continuity and everything on this tape. This would be part of the annual "prelude to Survivor Series" parade as people on opposite teams were paired off in singles matches. It was also the first such parade in 1987. Beefcake totally dominates Davis with the usual squash repetoire. Sleeper and Jimmy Hart goes to the top but gets dumped off by Beefcake, right onto Davis. Beefcake covers the stunned Davis for the pin, then puts Hart out with the sleeper. Man, Jimmy took *so* much abuse from Beefcake. 3 for 5.

- Brutus Beefcake v. Ted Dibiase. Oooo, this could be good. Dibiase offers him $500 to take a walk, which of course is refused and tossed into the crowd. Dibiase is drawing so much heel heat that the ring is littered with debris from his ring entrance alone. I'm telling you, were it not for Hulk Hogan, Dibiase would have been WWF champion by 1988. Beefcake gets the sleeper quickly but Dibiase makes it to the ropes and bails. Back in the ring Dibiase dominates but gets backdropped coming out of a cross-corner whip. Beefcake with the Hitman stomp to the lower-midsection. Dibiase bails again. Dibiase takes over again back in the ring. The ring is just filled with garbage. Dibiase is doing everything dead crisp. Even the basic stomps are snapped off. Elbow off the second rope for two. Whip leads to a Beefer small package for two. Dibiase stomps the hell out of him and suplexes him for two. Chinlock which Beefcake elbows out of, but then runs into a kneelift for two. Dibiase puts his head down and gets nailed by Beefcake, then jumps off the second rope into a gutshot. Beefcake unloads on Dibiase in the corner and slams him, followed by the JUMPING STOMP OF HIDEOUS DEATH! Off the ropes and Virgil trips him, allowing Dibiase to roll him up and hook the tights for three. Oh, my the crowd isn't happy with this at all. Brutus goes for the scissors but Dibiase escapes. Fun match! 4 for 6.

- A visit to Sal Fodera, world champion hairstylist. Beefcake screws up totally but still gets a diploma, with the provision that he can only cut hair in the wrestling ring.

- Brutus Beefcake v. Dino Bravo. After jumping to early 88 with the Dibiase match, we fall back to early 87 again with this match. They trade atomic drops and Brutus gets a slam in, causing Bravo to bail. Back in the ring Bravo stomps away to get the upper hand. Side salto and legdrop, then a bodyslam and elbow. Bravo has his working boots on tonight, I guess. Sidewalk slam, but a big elbowdrop misses. Bravo with a cross-corner whip, reversed by Beefcake and a clothesline. Beefcake comes back with rights and an atomic drop. Backdrop and Beefcake nails Johnny V. Bravo takes a swing and Beefcake ducks, then slaps on the sleeper until Valentine attacks from behind for the DQ. Another quick and decent match. 5 for 7. The Rougeaus make the save.

- We finish with...

- Brutus Beefcake & The Rougeaus v. Iron Mike Sharpe, Johnny K-9 & Jimmy Jack Funk. The usual Superstars squash that was used to set up future matches featuring the trio in question. I don't know why they didn't just do the six-man that was being built to. Rougeaus finish K-9 with the top rope bronco-buster into rollover move. 5 for 8.

The Bottom Line: A surprisingly decent tape. Most of this stuff was either from Superstars or Wrestling Challenge, so the matches were fast and had no resting. If you want to see Disciple when he didn't suck (no, really), check this one out.