by "Netcop" Scott Keith

This compilation comes courtesy of Chris George, fellow Canadian and also dweller of Maple Ridge, BC, a town I lived in until 1989 when I was dragged off to Edmonton kicking and screaming. Unfortunately he asked for ECW in return so his taste can't be that great, but I always appreciate new wrestling...

Tape #1: The Best of the WWF vol. 12.

Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Kamala. You know how I always talk about how hard it is to get a bad match out of Steamer? Well there ya go. Kamala batters Steamboat (who sells well) with his power moves while Fuji cheats from time to time. Steamboat gets almost no offense in and most of his role here is being tossed around the ring like a ragdoll. Fuji is painted like the Demos so this would be post-87 and thus Steamboat is on the way out anyway. More kicks from Kamala before Steamboat fights back with chops to the gut, and lures Kamala into a charge, which misses. More chops get Kamala stunned, but he won't fall. Steamboat goes off the ropes and KimChee interferes and gets knocked off. Steamboat with the TOP ROPE CHOP OF DOOM! but gets caught by Kamala coming off the top the second time, big splash, see ya. Better times were ahead for Steamboat, of course. 0 for 1.

- Kamala v. Tito Santana. Interestingly, this was from early 1987, when Kamala was still managed by the Wizard (King Curtis), who would go on to form the Dungeon of Doom in 1995. This is a dark match from a Superstars taping. Santana gets more offense in than Steamboat did, but inevitably makes the stupid mistake of attempting a test of strength with Kamala. This is like watching the Oddities today. RSPW likes to adopt the term "dark match" as though it was some kind of insider term, but they're throwing it around here on a 1987 videotape. If Craig DeGeorge is using it, it's not an insider term. The test of strength wastes about 7 minutes as Tito keeps refusing. Finally he accepts and gets brought to his knees. Kamala tosses him to the corner, but misses a charge. A couple of chops is enough to take over, however. AWA emigrant Marty Miller is the referee, and the fact that I'm pointing this out shows how little there is to point out in the match. BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-RING. Santana fights back with punches but gets tripped by the Wizard and pinned by Kamala. How did this tub of goo ever get a job? 0 for 2.

- The Machines (Big, Super, Piper) v. Studd, Bundy and the Brain. The Piper Machine keeps taking off his mask when the ref's back is turned to annoy Heenan. Bundy starts out against the Super Machine (Demolition Ax) and is fairly successful. Big Machine (Blackjack Mulligan) tries his luck against Studd and does pretty well, too. The Piper Machine tags in and manages a sunset flip on Studd, then cleans house on the heels. He works in the eye-poke, of course. A chase of Heenan leads to Piper getting ambushed by Studd. The heels work on Piper's injured knee (he got the shit beat out of him by Orton & Muraco, remember?) and it becomes the standard Studd & Bundy snooze-a-thon. Bundy makes a point of trying to rip off Piper's mask, as though it was some huge secret who he was. Hot tag to Big Machine, who unloads on the heels. It doesn't last long as Bundy takes over on him. Resthold-a-mania results. Piper tags in, SLAMS STUDD!, and when Bundy elbowdrops Studd by mistake, gets the pin. Whoa, I didn't think Hot Rod had it in him. 0 for 3.

- Brutus Beefcake v. Johnny V. This is the same match from the Brutus Beefcake video I reviewed a little while back. Beefcake squashes him with ease and gives him a funny haircut. 0 for 4.

- Coliseum Classic: Gorilla Monsoon & Pedro Morales v. The Mongols. The Mongols were the International tag team champions, which directly pre-dated the WWF tag team titles. This is from the early 60s, and Bepo Mongol only retired recently. You'd probably know him better as...Nikolai Volkoff. Gito dominates Monsoon with a couple of cross-corner whips and two stomps off the top rope to win the first fall. In the second fall, the heels are beating Pedro up until he makes the tag to Monsoon, who locks Gito into a bearhug. Bepo breaks it up. They double-team him until the referee disqualifies the Mongols to give the second fall to the faces. In the third fall, Pedro cleans house on the heels and gets the fall after a splash on Gito. I've seen better old school matches. 0 for 5.

- Paul Orndorff v. George "The Animal" Steele. Heenan tears up a poster of Elizabeth to distract Steele, allowing Orndorff to attack. Animal fights back with biting and rams Orndorff into the turnbuckle, then eats it. Orndorff gets rammed into the steel corner, and Animal chases the Brain all the way back to the dressing room. Orndorff gets tossed and Animal tries to re-assemble the poster. Orndorff attacks from behind and hammers him in the corner. He grabs a cable from the cameraman and chokes out Steele. Charge to the corner misses and Animal bites his arm. Steele actually uses...PSYCHOLOGY! He works on the arm and goes for the flying hammerlock, but Heenan comes back with another Liz poster, prompting Steele to grab a chair and chase. The ref gets in the way and gets bumped, causing the DQ. Monsoon comments that it's too bad he didn't get a full shot with the chair, as he'd been lamenting the refereeing job the whole match. 0 for 6.

- Women's title match: The Fabulous Moolah v. Leilani Kai. I think I've made all the Moolah jokes humanly possible, so I'll refrain here. This is actually fairly fast-paced, as Moolah dominates with the standard hair-throws and slingshots that dominate North American women's wrestling. They fight outside the ring and it gets hardcore as Moolah whacks Kai with a telephone and slams her on the concrete. Editing brings us back in the ring, as Moolah chokes the challenger and kicks away. Kai gets a bodypress for two. Crowd doesn't seem terribly interested. Leglock by Leilani. Cross-body attempt misses and Moolah takes over with more choking. Moolah and the ref get into an argument over a break and Kai attacks from behind and chokes away. Then Kai and the referee get into a shoving match and Moolah attacks from behind and cradles for the win. Started good but went downhill fast. 0 for 7.

- A retrospective of Finkel's bad tuxedos.

- Mean Gene trains with Hulk Hogan...oh, please god don't let them show that match. Anything but that match.

- Whew, they're not showing it.

- Kamala v. Hulk Hogan. Oh, yeah, this is much better. Kamala dominates for a while, Hulk blades, big splash but Hulk does the hulk up thing, clothesline, three punches of death, big boot, bodyslam, legdrop and it's over. 0 for 8.

The Bottom Line: Not even worth a rental.

Tape #2: Wrestlefest 90.

Opening match: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper v. "Macho King" Randy Savage. Superstars dark match from 1990, or main event of a WCW PPV in 1998? You make the call. Savage is in aquamarine tights, which look very odd for some reason. Savage trashtalks Piper and Sherri gets in his face, allowing Savage to come off the top to attack. Doesn't help much as Piper goes right after him. Head to the turnbuckle and an atomic drop, followed by a clothesline for two. Sherri interferes again and it backfires again. Piper with a sunset flip for two. Savage comes back with an elbow, but Piper small packages him for two. Savage bails and Piper beats on him back to the ring. Sherri distracts Piper again and Savage gains control. Axehandle off the top for two. Top rope neck snap and the knee to the back sends Piper to the floor, and then a double axe-handle to the floor. This is classic Macho Man. He drags Piper to the apron and Sherri gets a nice enzuigiri in on him. Back in the ring and Savage chokes him out for a couple of one-counts. Piper with elbows and a clothesline, then he boxes him in the corner and bites. Savage flips in the corner and hangs in the Tree of Woe, allowing Piper the chance to kick away. Airplane spin from Piper, and there's the point right there. It gets two. Piper is dizzy and falls back on a slam, giving Savage a two count. So Savage does his own airplane spin, even faster and twice as long. He goes to the top and is so dizzy and falls to the floor. This is too funny. Piper hammers him outside and a double-countout results. Boo. 1 for 1. Piper beats up Savage and Sherri after the decision.

- Fan Favorite match: Dino Bravo v. Ultimate Warrior. The kid also asked for Brainbusters v. Rockers, and they give us this. Great. Warrior and Bravo did the exact same match, move for move, about 100 times in 1989. Powerslam by Warrior right away, and he hits a double axehandle off the top rope. Another try and Earthquake distracts him long enough for Bravo to attack from behind. It has no effect. Shoulderblocks don't budge the Warrior, and Warrior hiptosses Bravo on another try. Cross-corner whip and slam, but Earthquake grabs the leg, allowing Bravo to give him a shot from behind. Warrior falls out of the ring and crawls under the ring, taking Jimmy Hart with him and ripping off his pants. They fight outside the ring, with Warrior dominating. Back in and Warrior turns a backdrop attempt into a suplex, but the splash hits nothing but knee, which should signal the sucky segment of the match. Test of strength but Warrior fights to his feet and kicks away. Whip but the charge misses and Bravo hits a belly-to-back. Bearhug by Bravo, reversed by Warrior. Reverse atomic drop from Bravo, but the elbowdrop misses. Warrior slams him and sells a back injury, allowing Bravo to knee him in the back and send him outside for Quake to beat on. Back in and Bravo with the SIDEWALK SLAM OF DOOM! for two. Warrior shakes the ropes to come back, punches of doom, three clotheslines, shoulderblock and splash, but Earthquake breaks it up for the DQ, so Warrior takes him out too. Earthquake destroys Warrior and Hogan makes the save. Call me crazy, but I liked this match. 2 for 2.

- Manager's profile: Mr. Fuji.

- Rick Martel v. Brutus Beefcake. Stalling galore as they argue over who has the better body. Finally Martel charges and Brutus with the hiptoss. Martel bails. Back in and Brutus with punches to dominate and a headlock. Brutus with the usual but gets caught with an atomic drop while going for the 10 PUNCHES OF DOOM! Chinlock. A looooooooong one. Small package by Brutus for two. Martel stomps away. Backbreaker and he goes to the top and takes forever, allowing Beefcake to get up and shake him off. Beefcake punches him off and atomic drops him, both ways. Clothesline sends Martel out of the ring. Back in and Brutus sunset flips in, but Martel grabs the ropes and holds on for the win. Boring match. 2 for 3.

- Profile on the Hart Foundation.

- The Powers of Pain v. The Hart Foundation. Tony Schiavone is hyping Hogan-Warrior here, calling it the greatest match of all time. Some things never change. Barbarian and Anvil start, trading shoulderblocks. Miscommunication from the heels and Anvil gets a quick two. Hitman comes in and batters Barbie, then the Hart double-team stuff. They work on the arm. Warlord tags in and they work on his arm, too. Barbarian gets in and takes over on Bret. We're moving in Ultra Slo-Mo Deluxe (tm). Cross corner whip on Bret and a forearm to the back. Gorilla Monsoon would describe this as "setting a deliberate pace". Hot tag to Neidhart who blitzes both Powers, and gets a two count on Warlord, broken up by Barbarian. Fuji trips Anvil and he chases, leading to a shot behind his back and all heck breaks loose. A caneshot hits Warlord by mistake and the Hart beat the count in. Yawn-o-rama. 2 for 4. I should point out that the Howard Finkel sound-a-like ring announcer is a real tool.

- The Hart Foundation v. Dino Bravo & Honky Tonk Man. Oh, this should be good. Not. Bravo and Bret trade blows and then Honky comes in and gets stomped in short order. Make-a-wish from the Harts. Bearhug from the Anvil. Bravo tags in and gets an inverted atomic drop on Anvil. Anvil plays Ricky Morton as Honky uses devastating axehandle blows and a chinlock. Bravo hammers away with kicks and forearms and a slam. Honky adds some more kicks as they double-team Neidhart. Big elbow from Bravo, but Honky's firstdrop misses and Bret gets the hot tag. Bret hammers Honky in the corner and cleans house. Rollup for two. Elbow off the second rope and a pier-six erupts. Bret and HTM collide in the center as Neidhart gets escorted out of the ring. The megaphone gets tossed into the ring and Anvil goes nuts with it to draw the DQ. 2 for 5, and I should point out that this tape is starting to suck.

- The Hart Foundation v. The Rockers. YES! YES! YES! Bret and Marty start. Jannetty with a cross-body for two and an armbar. Tag to Shawn and he's in with a shot to Bret's arm. Hard to believe that Shawn v. Bret would headline many a PPV in years to come. Michaels with a couple of leapfrogs but gets caught with an atomic drop. Neidhart tags in and dominates Shawn with power stuff. Bret cheats and nails Shawn with a shot to the head from the apron, then comes in to beat him up. Neidhart in with a knee to the neck to rest. Harts seem to be playing the heels. Bearhug on Shawn. Bret hammers him in the corner and tries a backbreaker but Shawn flips out (literally) and escapes, only to be hit with an elbow to the head. Neidhart in with a standing dropkick for two. Monster backdrop for two. SHAWN IS GOD! Hitman with elbows to the head, but the double-team catapult misses and Neidhart eats mat. Hart in with a cross-corner whip, reversed, but Shawn eats boot. Bret's elbow off the second rope misses. Hot tag. Flying elbow and dropkick on Hart, and a powerslam for two. Double clothesline, which Hart gets the worst of. Two count. Shawn in for a double superkick for one before Anvil makes the save. Snap suplex for two. Cross corner whip and Shawn goes over the top of Bret but gets caught with a clothesline. Bret tags Anvil, who gets whipped by Shawn into Bret. Bret does the dive into the railing and plays dead, and the Rougeaus run in and attack the Rockers for the cheap DQ. Harts make the save. Close, but I'll go 3 for 6.

- Spotlight on the WWF moving crew.

- WWF title match: Hulk Hogan v. Mr. Perfect. This should be decent. Lockup and Hennig gets tossed right out of the ring. Three bodyslams and Hennig and bails. Double noggin knocker for the Genius and a slam on the floor. Hennig and Poffo double-team Hogan in the ring, but it's for naught. Elbow on Hennig and he gets his head caught between the ropes as Hogan beats on Poffo. Hogan wails away on Hennig while he's caught in the ropes, sportsman that he is. Cross-corner whip and elbow and Hennig goes over the top rope again. Another noggin knocker outside the ring and back in to continue the beating. Big clothesline and headfirst to the turnbuckle, which Hennig comically oversells, and then more punches. Hogan puts his head down and gets kicked and clotheslined. Choke on the top rope and Hennig hammers away. Hogan goes outside and Hennig follows with chops and a whip to the post, which is reversed by Hogan. Hogan whips him to the other post. Back in and Hennig shoulderblocks him from the apron and rams him headfirst to the turnbuckle. Hennig to the top with a double axe-handle which Hogan doesn't bother to sell. Sleeper. Hogan fights out and puts him on the top rope, then grabs him by the hair and rams him crotchfirst on the turnbuckle. OUCH! Atomic drop, but the big elbow misses. Now you're gonna see a Perfectplex...but it only gets two, thus killing the move from then on. Hogan hulks up, big boot causes Hennig to bail and they fight outside the ring. Hennig takes a home run swing with a chair and misses. Damn. Hennig crawls back into the ring and loads his kneepad with brass knuckles as the Genius distracts the referee, allowing Perfect to knee him off the apron and knock him out cold on the floor. Mighty Hulk makes it back into the ring and steals the object, nailing Hennig and dropping the leg...but he's still wearing the knucks on his hand, so Hebner disqualifies him. Hah, it's about time! This was good enough for a point. 4 for 7. Crybaby Hulk, WHILE STILL WEARING THE BRASS KNUCKLES, threatens to beat up Hebner for the supposed bad decision.

- Ted Dibiase and Akeem v. Jake Roberts and Ultimate Warrior. Big Bossman is the guest referee. Standard Superstars dark match main event. I'm in no mood to watch. Roberts spends the entirety of the match either trying the DDT or getting beat up. Warrior gets the hot tag and makes his daily money by doing his only moves: three clotheslines, flying shoulderblock, and splash for the pin. Virgil takes the DDT. 4 for 8.

The Bottom Line:

Well, .500 ain't bad. An enjoyable enough tape, although a token Bret or Shawn match would have been nice. It's certainly worth a look.