by "Netcop" Scott Keith

Good lord, how do Americans sit and watch all three hours of Nitro without gnawing their own arm off? I tried to do so this afternoon and ended up being so bored by the horrible Judy Bagwell segment that I had no choice but to hit the local video store and initiate....

The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant XI: Cure for the Common Nitro.

Video #1: Invasion '92.

- This one has got a "Star Trek" theme going that is better left unsaid.

- Opening match: Hulk Hogan v. Typhoon. And wasn't the world just waiting for this one. Thankfully it's not a title match because people with real talent had the belt. The pop for Hulkie is getting pretty minimal by this point. Sadly, I'm dubbing so I can't have special bonding time with my best friend, the FF button. We've shared some great times together, he and I. Sniff. Ottman has trouble even running into the turnbuckles properly. Hogan is working so loose that he's barely making contact. Hogan hits Typhoon with about a dozen punches, but he won't go down. Jimmy Hart interferes and Typhoon takes control with a bearhug. Hulk escapes and hulks up, then finishes it with the usual. That's it. That's the entire match. The really sad thing is that they stretched it TO TEN FUCKING MINUTES! 0 for 1.

- Profile on Ric Flair. We start with the Royal Rumble (overdubbed version) as Flair wins the World title and the fans "boo" when Hogan is knocked out.

- Intercontinental title match: Bret Hart v. Ric Flair. Flair is carting around the "bogus belt" here, namely a colored-in version of the NWA World title, which would make another appearance in 1994 in WCW after Flair beat Hogan by countout on the Clash of Champions. Hart controls with a series of headlocks to start. Hammerlock reversal series and back to the headlocks. Flair gets into a frustrated shoving match with Earl Hebner. Battle over a wristlock and then Ric takes over. Mooney and Lord Alfred note that people have been wondering about what would happen if Flair met Hogan for years now. Well, maybe not on WWF TV, but the thought was correct. Hart reverses a whip and takes over. 10 PUNCHES OF DEATH! Oops, only gets 7 before an atomic drop. Kneedrop and the feet-on-the-ropes pinfall attempt. Hart does the chest-first-charge-into-the-corner spot. Flair is having a jaw session with some fans in the front row. They trade punches and Flair gets the sleeper, but Hart jawjacks him on the top turnbuckle. Hart comeback, but Flair gets the knee-to-kneedrop and figure-four! Flair cheats like nuts, of course. Flair tries to suplex Hart off the apron but gets suplexed in. Flair with chops but Bret pulls down the strap and unloads on Flair. Flair flips out and they fight a bit outside. Funny bit as Bret pounds on Flair, who keeps getting up for more and getting knocked down again. Backbreaker and Sharpshooter, but Perfect pulls him into the ropes. Another backbreaker and another Sharpshooter, but now Perfect is on the apron, allowing Flair toss Hart out. Hart comes in behind Flair with a rollup for two. Series of pinfall reversals follows, with about 8 two counts resulting. Flair bails, Hart follows, and Perfect decks him as Flair gets in for the countout win. Damn, I was hoping for a pinfall. Still, this was as close as we were gonna get to a clean win here. 1 for 2 and probably about ****1/4 or so. How can you top that?

- Ric Flair v. Shawn Michaels. Yes, I think this will do. Shawn is still a Rocker here and the video distortion of the belt is in effect for Flair. Flair hits on the female ring announcer whose name escapes me. They exchange some shoulderblocks and Shawn gets a two off a flying sunset flip from the top. Flair with some chops and then Shawn goes nuts on Flair with a series of his own offense. Michaels is drawing some serious face heat here and it just reinforces the intelligence of the decision to push him as a single. Michaels mouths off Perfect outside the ring, which leads to him getting tripped up a couple of minutes later. Michaels comes back quickly with a superkick and a fistdrop off the top for two. Michaels tosses Flair, but misses a pescado and eats railing. Jannetty runs out to assist Shawn up, and the announcers note that Marty wasn't there at the beginning and maybe there's some dissention. Flair tosses Shawn in and pins him with his legs across the ropes. I guess Shawn was pretty badly injured. Still, two great matches in a row! 2 for 3.

- WWF World tag title match: The Legion of Doom v. The Beverly Brothers. Oh, well, it was good while it lasted. Stall stall stall. The Beverlys were last seen in WCW under their real names, Wayne Bloom and Mike Enos. LOD gets control, Beverlys bail and stall, repeat a few times. Beverlys cheat and take control for a while. Hawk makes the hot tag, allowing Animal to fuck up a simple backdrop, and a pier-six erupts. Beverlys make a tactical error and the LOD hits the Doomsday Device for the pin. Yawn. 2 for 4.

- Ted Dibiase v. Tito Santana. Sherri is miked here, lucky us. She's looking exceptionally fat and ugly, too. A few minutes of listening to her talk reveals why no one else lets her anymore. The match is pretty sad as the guys go through the motions. Way too long to boot. Santana makes the fiery Mexican comeback and hits El Pace With Extra Piquante Sauce but Dibiase rolls out and a double countout follows. Well, that was about as nondescript a match as they come. 2 for 5.

- The Nasty Boys invade a video store, whose shelves have helpfully been stocked with WWF videos. But there's no Nasty Boy videos so they beat up the manager. As enthralling as it sounds. They take over the store and harrass a guy looking for ballet videos.

- Big Bossman v. Hercules. We're definitely on a Raven-like downward spiral here. Bossman tries, bless his heart, and Hercules even takes a nice bump over the top rope. Bossman misses the running-rope-straddle, allowing Hercules to take over. Depressing from there as Herc slowly works him over until the superman comeback begins. Bossman slam out of nowhere for the pin. 2 for 6. Gorilla helpfully reminds me that the ring announcer's name (the one I forgot earlier) is Mike McGuirk.

- Million Dollar Title match: Virgil v. Ted Dibiase. Randy Savage is the special referee, lord knows why. Virgil wallops Dibiase with his generic offense for a bit, but Dibiase quickly takes over. Savage slow counts a Dibiase cover, prompting a discussion. Another two count and another finger-shaking conversation is had. The problem with Virgil was that he could sell like a champ, but he had never been on offense enough as the lackey to know what to do once on it. Dibiase pops Savage after another discussion and tosses him out of the ring. Dibiase with the Dream on Virgil, but Savage drills Dibiase with a double-axehandle off the top and then counts the pin for Virgil. Bleh. 2 for 7.

- Jake Roberts & Undertaker v. Randy Savage & Jim Duggan. The gradual evolution of the Undertaker is quite the thing to look back upon. This was 1991, when he had only a couple of tattoos and not much of a fanbase. And this isn't much of a match. Some stuff happens, some more stuff happens, Jake tries the DDT on Duggan but Savage goes nuts with a chair for the DQ. Next match. 2 for 8.

Bottom Line #1: Worth a rental for the Flair matches, the rest is FF city.

Best of the WWF Volume 15.

- Opening match: Tito Santana v. Haku. The most fascinating thing about this match is the commentary team: Bruce Pritchard (without any characters), Johnny V. and ring announcer Mike McGuirk. I shit you not. Got hot start as Santana works him over. Rick Martel and Tama are in the corner of their respective man. It's utterly disorienting to hear Bruce speaking in a normal voice, without the Brother Love accent. Mike McGuirk is just annoying -- I have no idea what Lex Luger saw in her. Heenan cheats and allows Haku to take over with a series of suplexes, but Santana makes the comeback and hits the Flying Jalapeno. The partners get involved and it's a big ol' double DQ. Good enough for what it was. 1 for 1.

- WWF tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. Strike Force. I still have nightmares about this match today. For those who don't know, the Harts cheated like nuts and won the titles from the Bulldogs in January of 1987, but by the end of the year the Harts were so over that people weren't ever expecting them to lose. Thus, a face turn was becoming necessary (and Demolition was ready for their mega-run as champions), hence Santana and Martel were the designated transitional patsies. No one expected them to win here. The pretty boys double team Bret to start. Santana gets caught in the wrong corner and the Harts go to work. This was a Superstars main event so everything is rather compressed for TV. Strike Force is crazy over, lord knows why. The Harts double-team like nuts while Martel's temper keeps the ref in the other corner. Santana gets rammed into the railing a couple of times for good measure, which gets a two count. Jesse Ventura (the character) hates both members of Strike Force with a passion so he's in top form as a heel announcer. This is actually a long match for Superstars. Bret gets a whip reversed and takes his chest-first turnbuckle run bump. Santana gets the hot tag to Martel, who destroys Neidhart to the delight of the crowd. Martel with a cross-body for two. Santana cleans house on Bret and Strike Force double-slams Anvil, and Martel applies the Boston Crab for the submission and the World titles. One of the loudest pops I've ever heard, seriously. I was such a huge Hart Foundation mark at this point -- I think I cried myself to sleep that night. *sniff* Oddly, in the era of two PPVs a year, Strike Force were considered transitional champs, despite a title reign of OVER FIVE MONTHS! 2 for 2.

- Bam Bam Bigelow v. King Kong Bundy. This was during Bigelow's monster push in 87 when he first entered the WWF. Bammer is lean and clean shaven here. Bigelow showcase as he ducks Bundy's power stuff and cartwheels a lot. For some reason it takes Bobby Heenan a few minutes to make it to ringside. Bundy controls with some power moves, but misses a splash and Bigelow hits his own for a fast three. I can't give it a point in good conscience. 2 for 3. Shane MacMahon is the referee, btw, although his name is never mentioned by the announcers.

- WWF Women's Tag title: The Glamour Girls v. The Jumping Bomb Angels. This is from the first Royal Rumble, the one on the USA network in 1988. Vince doesn't know the names of the Angels. Well, at least he knows Kaientai's names. I think. Kind of a shame that the Angels didn't have anyone, say, 15 years younger to work with than Kai and Martin. This is still a terrific match that's roughly 8 years ahead of what even the men were trying. The Angels put all sorts of leglocks on Kai, but she manages a tag and then the Glamour Girls do some North American stuff to cheat, and Martin hits a powerbomb variant (Martin brings her opponent into the air, but instead of dropping down she tosses her over her shoulder!) for the first fall. The Angels use some gorgeous double-teaming to take control quickly in the second fall, and Noriyo reverses a crucifix into a sunset flip for the pin. Third fall is clipped a bit, and we join the Angels kicking some ass. Sukie with a Tiger Driver and Noriyo follows her in with a kneedrop off the top. The announcers are just totally behind. Bridged butterfly suplex for two. Good god, was this really 1988? The assault continues, but Sukie misses a senton off the top. Ref gets distracted and the Angels hit a double dropkick off the top rope to win the tag team titles. Fantastic match for the time. It blows my mind to think of what could have been if they had a better set of opponents. 3 for 4.

- Mr Fuji & Tiger Chung Lee v. The Samoans. This is from the very early 80s, during the final days of Vincent J. McMahon's empire. The Evil Japanese play hide the salt to stall for time. I don't really want to get into the details, but basically the Samoans (Afa and Sika) ended up spawning everyone from the Samoan Gangsta Party through Yokozuna. They're like a fat, talentless Hart clan. Tiger Chung makes a tactical error, causing Fuji to walk out on him and leave him to be slaughtered by the Samoans. Who knows why they picked this one. 3 for 5. Fuji returns to choke out Lee, but he rolls out of the ring and grabs his Kendo stick (Singapore cane) and chases him off. Boy, the crowd loves that cane. You'd think it was Phila...oh, wait, it is.

- WWF Women's title match: Fabulous Moolah v. Sherri Martell. Moolah has been champion roughly 20 years at this point. That's not hyperbole. Martell is way thin and wearing zero makeup. It's kind of weird. Most people forget that Sherri is a very competant wrestler in her own right. This match is typical US women's wrestling. Man, Sherri went to shit once she retired in 1989. You have to wonder what Moolah did to earn a 20 year title reign. Then you have to think about ANYTHING ELSE! This match sucks, btw. Moolah does the usual heel stuff to beat on Sherri, even though Sherri was supposed to be the heel here. Martell comes back and slingshots Moolah across the ring a couple of times. Blatant clip job as we cut to the crowd and then back in with Moolah in control. She slams Martell back in from the apron, but Sherri reverses to a rollup for the pin and the title. Moolah would never regain the belt. 3 for 6.

- WWF Junior heavyweight title: Tatsumi Fujinami v. Ted Adams. Whoa. This would be the 1984 equivalent of Rey Mysterio v. Juventud Guerrera. Fujinami breaks an armbar by headscissoring Adams. Fujinami has the crowd oo-ing and aaa-ing with a series of Malenko-ish pinfall attempts. Adams with a slam but a top rope splash misses. Fujinami pulls out a dragon screw legwhip, something never seen in the US before at this point. Adams works on the arm. Total old school here. Fujinami comes back with a running chop but Adams takes him down with a fireman's carry to regain the advantage. They trade leglock reversals. Fujinami with a european uppercut and a dropkick that nearly knocks Adams out of his boots. Airplane spin from the Dragon. Fujinami finishes the dizzied Adams with a german suplex. 4 for 7.

- Demolition v. George Steele & Billy Jack Haynes. From that to this. Ken Patera is hanging around ringside. If I recall correctly, Haynes and Patera had an issue with Demolition in the Demos' early days, but Patera messed up his arm and Steele is subbing. Don Muraco is doing color here and sucks. The match is nothing at all. Kick, punch, choke, rest, cheat. Haynes is the house of fire but Steele has the referee tied up and Smash nails Haynes with the cane for the pin. 4 for 8.

The Bottom Line: Hey, .500 is a better average than most shows these days. A pleasant surprise out of this tape, to say the least.