by "Netcop" Scott Keith

It's Christmas Eve and Friends is a rerun and there's not much else to do when your family lives a thousand miles away, so just for the hell of it, here's...

The Netcop Retro Rant for Saturday Night's Main Event (1990)

- Well, with the impending return of wrestling to NBC, I thought it might be a good idea to review an old SNME featuring some of the same guys you'll probably be seeing in WCW's version.

Saturday Night's Main Event (Jan 23 / 90)

- Taped from the UTC arena in Chatanooga, Tennessee.

- Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura.

- Opening match: "Macho King" Randy Savage v. Jim Duggan. This is the same match that I reviewed in one of my Coliseum rants a few weeks back, so I won't bore you with the details here, but suffice it to say it's the usual SNME opener, with lots of meaningless action and running around that doesn't really lead anywhere. Savage takes a few nice bumps but the wrestling is nonexistant. Duggan gets some near falls but Sherri keeps interfering to prevent the win. Duggan goes for the kill with the CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH but Sherri runs in to prevent the pin again. Repeat a couple of more times. The canned heat is painfully obvious. The LOADED PURSE OF DOOM gives Savage a two count, then Duggan makes the super-idiot comeback. More CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH and Duggan goes for the THREE POINT STANCE OF ALL-ENCOMPASSING DOOM, but Savage gets knocked out of the ring and they do the "manager hooks the leg on the suplex attempt" cheap-o ending for the Savage pin. Bad match. 1/2*

- Curt Hennig & The Genius (The Ambiguously Gay Duo) have some poetry for Hulk and the Warrior.

- Flashback: The Orange Goblin and the Face-Painted Moron have an epic confrontation at the 1990 Royal Rumble. In all fairness, I was marking out so hard that my head nearly exploded when it originally happened, but it's not so great to watch today.

- Goblin and Moron have some words for Hennig & Poffo. Warrior is his usual incoherant self, yelling something about chemical reactions at 150 words per minute. I guess the drugs were kicking in at that point.

- Curt Hennig & The Genius v. Hulk Hogan & The Ultimate Warrior. The Egomaniacs have seperate entrances, of course. Hogan cleans house on both guys with a hiptoss (!) and some slams. Warrior manhandles them next. Watching this from a "smart" perspective, it is SO obvious that Hennig and Poffo are doing all the work and it increases my respect of them that much more. Hogan wallops on Perfect (with requisite overselling to the nth degree) until Hennig manages to nail Hogan with Poffo's scroll to gain the advantage. Hogan won't sell any kind of signficant offense for Hennig, forcing him to rely on punching and kicking after bumping all over the ring for Hogan. Hennig gets the Perfectplex, but breaks it at two and allows Poffo the chance to pin Hogan. Poffo tries a MOONSAULT (!) but Hogan gets the knees up, and hot tags Warrior. Warrior with the press slam and Hogan tags himself in when Warrior comes off the ropes for the splash, and legdrops Poffo for the pin. Hennig and Poffo attack right after the win, and Hogan accidentally nails Warrior in the melee. Warrior and Hogan do the big staredown, which led to Wrestlemania VI. * for Perfect's bumps.

- Flashback: Jake Roberts steals the Million dollar belt.

- Jake Roberts and Greg Valentine do generic hype interviews.

- Jake Roberts v. Greg Valentine. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, elbow, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, kneelift, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, short arm clothesline, but Roberts can't hit the DDT. Valentine goes for the figure four (with Jimmy Hart conveniently standing on the apron) but Jake pushes Greg into Hart, and DDT's him, and Dibiase runs in for the DQ. Nobody's trying here, but it did set up the Dibiase v. Roberts match at WM6 nicely. 1/4*

- Ravishing Rick Rude v. Dusty Rhodes. AAAH, THE SPLOTCH! MY EYES! Punching and restholds until Heenan starts yelling at Sapphire, leading to everyone getting sent back to the dressing room. We come back from the commercial with Rude applying move #193 (ARM-bar) as Sapphire has snuck back to ringside by buying a ticket. Rude jaws with her as Rhodes makes the comeback, and they end up fighting down the aisle for the double-countout. Yay. DUD This was utterly pointless because neither guy was involved with anything at the time.

- Dino Bravo v. Ronnie Garvin. Earthquake is at ringside, so you can guess how this one ends. They exchange some rights and Garvin rolls out of the ring and gets beat up by Quake. Back in and Bravo with a side salto for a two count. Garvin makes the comeback with his useless offense but he makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart. This guy beat Ric Flair cleanly? Garvin begins the GARVIN STOMP OF DEATH! but Earthquake distracts him. Garvin to the top rope for a bodypress, but Bravo rolls through for the pin. Two minutes if that. * Earthquake does the big squasheroo to Garvin (YES!) with two Earthquake splashes, leading to a Garvin stretcher job.

- Randy Savage hypes the upcoming match against Hogan in prime time, which Mike Tyson was supposed to referee. But everyone's plans got screwed up when Tyson lost to Buster Douglas, and he took over as the referee and did a horrible job.

- Hogan offers a rebuttal. I like his heel interviews better, sadly enough.

- Vince and Jesse wrap things up as we review the Hogan-Warrior confrontation from earlier in the night.

The Bottom Line #1: A pretty subpar effort aside from a hot angle with Hogan and Warrior.

And away we go to...

The Main Event (Feb. 23 / 90)

- This is the last time wrestling was in prime time, almost 8 years to the day.

- Hogan and Savage offer their pre-match rants before the opening.

- Live from Detroit, Michigan

- Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura.

- Opening match, WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Randy Savage. Savage was originally scheduled to go over here and drop the title to Warrior at WM6, but good sense prevailed. If you've seen one Hogan-Savage match minus the decent wrestling, suspense, heat, and ratings, then you've seen this one. Hogan destroys Savage with the usual range of punches and bodyslams but Sherri's interference allows Savage to take control. Outside referee Buster Douglas tosses Sherri as a result. We take a commercial and when we come back Savage gets a two count from a clothesline and tosses Hogan, hitting the axehandle on the floor. He tries the same thing again but Douglas gets in the way. Savage hits the slam and goes for the big elbow but of course Hogan no-sells. Gee, never seen that before. Big boot and Savage bails and they fight outside for a bit. Hebner gets bumped and Hogan hits the legdrop, and Buster Douglas comes in to count the fast three count, and to top it off Savage kicks out at two but he counts three anyway. Savage lips off Douglas and ges KO'd. This ending would be rehashed at Wrestlemania XIV. There's about five minutes of taunting and stalling before the inevitable one-punch shot, however. I'll call it about *1/2 I won't even get into the farce of using the biggest fluke champion in the history of boxing as a credible boxer.

- Warrior gives an, uh, interview? I'm seriously creeped out after hearing what sounds like a drug-induced speaking-in-tongues session.

- Intercontinental title match: The Face-Painted Moron v. The (Late) French Canadian Steroid Sucking Machine. Warrior charges into the ring and hits Bravo with an axehandle off the top to start. Earthquake pulls him out, and Warrior escapes, runs under the ring, and pulls Jimmy Hart in with him. When Hart emerges, his pants are missing. Um, yeah. Bravo gets the advantage as they proceed to do the same choreographed match that they'd done 5601 times before this. BEARHUG OF DOOM! by Bravo. Vince: "Warrior breathes a different air than any man I've ever known." Can't argue with that one. Warrior hulks up (it occurs to me that Val Venis making the big comeback would involve a completely different form of self-energizing...) and Warrior hits the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH! followed by the SHITTY SHOULDERBLOCK OF DOOM! and the SPLASH THAT DOESN'T QUITE MAKE CONTACT BUT PEOPLE STILL HAVE TO LIE DOWN FOR OF DOOM! for the easy pin. 1/4* Bravo and Quake beat up Warrior and Hogan makes the save, but of course Warrior doesn't appreciate the help. They do the big staredown as we cut to commercial.

- Vince McMahon takes us back to the Royal Rumble as Hogan & Warrior do the CRISS-CROSS OF DOOM! Then we go back to the SNME I just reviewed as they fend of Genius and Perfect but disagree afterwards.

- Hulk Hogan interview. The Warrior is apparently the strongest force ever to attack Hulkamania. I thought it was male-pattern baldness, but what do I know?

- Warrior gives a PCP-enhanced ranting interview about walls filled with fear and children riding on Warrior's back for protection. This guy is a fucking maniac.

- Buster Douglas gives his closing comments. They might as well have had a big neon sign across the screen saying "Buy Wrestlemania" for the whole show.

The Bottom Line: Two lousy matches and a half an hour of interviews? Feh.

(On April 1, 1990, Ultimate Warrior pinned Hulk Hogan in the main event of Wrestlemania to finish off the feud, Rick Rude got elevated to main eventer, Demolition won the tag titles for a third time and started a feud with the Hart Foundation, Big Bossman beat former partner Akeem in about 30 seconds and Earthquake continued his build to monster heel. And with that, we head to Texas for...)

Saturday Night's Main Event (April 28 / 90)

- Taped from Austin, Texas.

- Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura.

- Okay, this is the fallout show after Wrestlemania VI, as Warrior is now the World champion and Hogan is reduced to a secondary role. Thus begins the end for the glory years of the WWF.

- Curt Hennig offers his opening thoughts, wearing yellow tights. When he emerges for the first match, they've magically become orange. Pre-taping or miracle, you decide.

- Opening match: Curt Hennig v. Hulk Hogan. The usual as Hogan dominates with the punches and the body slams, all of which are hideously oversold by Hennig. This is pretty much move-for-move the same as the tag match from the first SNME in this rant, and my thoughts will be confirmed if Hennig tags Hulk with the scroll to gain the advantage. Yup, Hogan chases Hennig outside the ring and gets clobbered with the steel scroll. We come back from commercial with Perfect doing the usual spots and stalling. Hennig with the Perfectplex but it only gets two. Comeback, three punches, big boot and legdrop and that's it. This was, as they say, good enough for government work, and it was a better match without Warrior weighing it down like in the tag match. ** Hogan goes over clean but Hennig would go on to bigger and better things over the next year.

- Rick Martel does a western themed ad for Arrogance.

- Earthquake v. Hillbilly Jim. What is with Vince and redneck wrestlers? Canned heat is in full effect as Hillbilly starts off quickly. Jimmy Hart distracts Jim and it's elbow and FATTEST BUTT SPLASH IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT for the pin. Lasted a bit over a minute. DUD Earthquake does the world a great service and flattens Hillbilly Jim with about five elbowdrops and two butt splashes.

- Another Arrogance spot.

- The Rockers v. The Hart Foundation. YES! YES! YES! Awesome opening sequence that is ruined for me by my roommate telling a disgusting bar story. Rockers double-team Bret, but Anvil takes out Shawn with power. The Harts take over with their patented knee-to-the-back from Bret on the apron. Is it me, or is Bret hitting Shawn really stiffly? The Harts get several two counts on Shawn, and then Demolition wanders down to have a look at the action. Bret is yelling at the Demos and Shawn dropkicks him right into them as we go to commercial. We're back as Bret continues to lay an ass-whupping on Shawn. Hot tag to Marty, who cleans house for a bit and brings Shawn back in. Anvil nails him with a shoulderblock and Shawn does a triple somersault. Hennig must have taught him or something. Shawn goes over the top and gets beat up by Demolition, triggering a three-way brawl. Now see, if they knew what a three-way dance was in 1990 this would have been a killer match at Summerslam. Still, a great match ruined by a bonehead ending. ***3/4

- Earthquake gives an environmentally friendly interview.

- Bobby Heenan lists the good points of Texas. Oh, and the cow dung, can't forget that.

- Warrior says...something. I think.

- WWF Title match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Haku (geshundheit). I should point out that Warrior needs canned heat here whereas Hogan needed none. Further, the lights are *gone* past the first few rows, which means that everyone past the floor seats has left and they had to darken the arena to cover it up. That is an unspeakably bad sign for the Warrior's popularity (or lack thereof). Haku takes control with whatever but Warrior makes the comeback to canned cheers with the usual clotheslines, shoulderblock and splash. Totally underwhelming. 1/4*

- Another Arrogance spot, this time on a tennis court. The spiel could be used by Val Venis today! Picture this: "Hello, ladies! You know ladies, when the Big Valbowski plays at Wimbledon, heh heh, he's always the NUMBER ONE SEED. (Pause for screams of ladies) And the Big Valbowski is always one SHOT, right into the royal box!" Hmm, Jim Cornette said that the statute of limitations on stealing angles is 7 years, so Val could use that one if he wanted. Rick is retired anyway.

- Big Bossman v. Akeem. This is the last match so it should be quick and painless. The arena has brightened considerably, so either the people came back or this was taped earlier in the evening. Jesse takes shots at dirty politicians, foreshadowing his own political career. Akeem dominates quickly with punches and butt splashes in the corner, then hits the big splash for two. Bossman backdrops him over the top rope and then slingshots him in. Nice spot. Cross corner whip and Bossman splash, but Dibiase and Virgil run in for the DQ. Not terrible or anything. * The Million dollar beatdown ensues. This is the first and only time you'll see a black guy beating on a cop with a nightstick. Go fig.

- Warrior offers more thoughts, ostensibly taped after his match, although he's still wearing the belt, he's not sweating, and his makeup is in perfect condition. Plus his hair isn't messed up. I bet they taped the first interview, sprayed some water on him, and then taped the followup interview.

The Bottom Line: Not a bad show overall, with a great tag match and a better-than-usual Hogan match. Considering that these shows were usually the bottom of the wrestling quality barrel, that's not bad.

Saturday Night's Main Event (July 28 / 90)

- Taped from Omaha, Nebraska.

- Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura

- This one has a "Wild Kingdom" theme.

- Opening match, WWF title: The Ultimate Warrior v. Ravishing Rick Rude. Warrior destroys Rude (who has the new crewcut look at this point in an effort to give him credibility) by tossing him from end to end and atomic dropping him out of the ring. Back in and Warrior with a couple of clotheslines and an axehandle off the top, but Rude moves out of the way of the splash. As per the Saturday Night's Main Event formula, Rude gets Warrior to chase him out of the ring and nails him with the designated foreign object (in this case, the WWF title belt) and takes control until the commercial break. But first Rude takes his contractually obligated reverse atomic drop. But alas for Warrior, Rude gets a sleeper hold after slipping out of a bodyslam. In an insanely ridiculous bit, Joey Marella tests the Warrior's consciousness by lifting his leg (instead of his arm). Warrior fights out, but Rude hits the Rude Awakening. It gets two and Warrior makes the wildman comeback with the usual, but Heenan puts Rude's foot on the ropes at two. They fight outside the ring and Rude gets counted out. Warrior brutalizes Bobby Heenan for fun. Not a good match. 1/2* This was leading to a cage match at Summerslam 90. I thought it would have sold better to have Rude win the title here and Warrior regain it at Summerslam, but then I'm not the booker. Some say I should be...

- And wasn't the world just waiting for a career retrospective on Hulk Hogan, who suffered that awful career-ending injury against Earthquake. *Sniff*. Get well, Hulk! Just to piss me off way back when, my dad made a giant banner saying "Get Well Hulk" and hung it in my room, for which I've never quite forgiven him. Of course, this is the same guy who used to fashion nooses and randomly hang my LJN wrestling figures around the house, so you can see how my upbringing may have warped my life....

- The Immortal Orange Goblin comes out for a quasi-inspirational interview to hype his grudge match against Earthquake at Summerslam. I fast forward. Earthquake and Dino Bravo run in to attack, but Tugboat makes the save. Wow, this is sure exciting.

- WWF tag title match: Demolition v. The Rockers. This is the sort-of debut of Crush, who was known as "B.A." at house shows before this. Let's see, we have a wannabe golf pro, an nWo Japan scrub, a retiree, a jobber and a three-time WWF World champion. 8 years ago, could *you* have guessed which would be which? Smash and Crush are doing the honors tonight. The Rockers start with some SWEET double-team flying headscissors and housecleaning. Shawn hits a sort-of rana (with help from Marty) but Crush decks him from behind to give the champs the advantage. Crush is really, really bad at this point. He fucks up a sunset flip with Jannetty and can't sell properly. The Rockers control with double-teams on the arm of Crush but inevitably the Demos cheat and gain the advantage. Jannetty is dead on the outside as we head to commercial. We return with Smash going medieval on Marty, who takes a couple of really choice bumps. Crush debuts the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and hits a pretty good chokeslam. Marty hits a desperation move on Crush after some more punishment and hot tags Shawn, who is his usual awesome self. Superkick and double dropkicks get rid of Crush, and they hit the double superkick and the double flying fist on Smash for two, but Crush makes the save. Shawn rolls up Smash and Ax rolls in and hits a wicked clothesline on Shawn and makes the illegal pin himself. Good little match with a hot ending. *** The Hart Foundation and the LOD run in to plead the Rockers' case, but no luck.

- Intercontinental title match: Curt Hennig v. Tito Santana. Hennig dumped the Genius at the end of May and won the Intercontintal title tournament with the help of new manager Bobby Heenan, defeating Santana in the finals. This is the rematch. From here until Summerslam 91, Hennig was God. Santana blitzes Hennig to start, sending Hennig over the top (of course) and chasing him around the ring. Tito puts his head down and gets decked very quickly. Off-night for Hennig as he kicks and rests his way through the offensive portion. Tito hairpulls his way out of a chinlock and begins El Comeback Superman-o. Hennig does a triple somersault off a punch and takes out Earl Hebner, and of course Santana goes for the figure-four then. Crowd is going nuts. And you know the great part? When Tito releases the hold, Hennig sells the STRAIGHT LEG! Awesome. Flying jalapeno as Hebner crawls over...for...two. Santana with a clothesline off the top for...another...two...count. That's some twisted ankle Hebner's got there. Santana calls in a new referee as we go to commercial. We come back as Hennig also comes back. Chops (whoo). Now Hennig goes through the Patented Offense (tm) and gets towelled off by Heenan. Hennig even pulls out a thrust kick. Santana returns fire and sends him over the top again with a punch, and of course Hennig goes crotch-first into the ringpost. Santana with atomic drop both ways, and a clothesline for two. Super hot crowd. Santana puts his head down and Hennig hooks the Perfectplex, but Santana inside cradles him for two, but Hennig reverses that for three. Whew. GREAT MATCH! ****

- I'm skipping the various stupidity with Mean Gene and Lord Alfred Hayes on safari for obvious reasons.

- Playboy Buddy Rose v. Kerry Von Erich. This is the Tornado's WWF debut. The announcers make fat jokes about Rose to kill time. Total squash as Von Erich decimates Rose. Rose gets the token offense but gets dumped off the top and tornado punched for the pin. DUD

- Rude comments.

- Warrior rebutts.

- Vince and Jesse wrap it up.

The Bottom Line: An *awesome* show for a SNME. Nuff said.

And finally, just for fun (and because it was stuck on the end of the tape):

WWF Superstars, early 1991.

- Taped from wherever.

- Your hosts are Roddy Piper and Vince McMahon.

- Opening match: Tito Santana v. Ted Oates. I believe Oates was someone in the Mid-South way back when, but he's roadkill here. Nothing notable.

- Roddy Piper teaches Virgil the meaning of respect, by shining his shoes for him as an act of friendship instead of servitude. Virgil had just turned on Dibiase, you see. Next lesson: Piper tells him to get down and wipe the cow dung off his boots, and teaches Virgil to just say no. Good interview.

- The Mountie v. Sonny Blaze. No funky theme for the Mountie, just the french horn. He was still a total joke at this point. Mountie with a chokeslam and a VICIOUS NERVE HOLD OF DEATH! for the submission. Geez, I wonder why everyone thought he was lame...

- Tag team battle royal: Winner here gets the shot at the Hart Foundation at Wrestlemania VII. We've got the Nasties, Bushwhackers, Demolition, LOD, Power and Glory, Rockers, Orient Express and some jobber teams who get tosses quickly. The Rockers double dropkick Demolition out, but Crush doesn't handle it well. The Orient Express dumps the Bushwhackers. Shawn accidentally dropkicks Marty out, thus beginning The End of the Rockers. More stuff happens and the LOD dumps the Orient Express. That leaves Power & Glory, the LOD and the Nasty Boys, and the heels of course pair off against the LOD. Hercules rocket-launches Roma onto Animal, who casually catches Roma and dumps him. LOD goes for the Doomsday Device, but Roma pulls Hawk off the top rope and to the floor, giving the Nasty Boys the win and the title shot. The Rockers would have made oodles more sense, but this was a pretty horrible time for the WWF in general so it only fits.

- Kerry Von Erich v. Darryl Woodworth. Geez, we're scraping the bottom of the jobber barrel here. The usual leading to the tornado punch. Nothing to see here...

- The Brother Love show, with the Undertaker. Ah yes, a historic moment, as Brother Love resigns as Undertaker's manager and introduces us to...Paul Bearer. See, people, there's Brother Love and Paul Bearer standing side-by-side. Now shut up already. Paul was looking almost svelte at this point. Brother Love has a vision from...whatever deity he stands for...in the middle of the interview, of Savage beating Warrior at Wrestlemania VII. I guess Bruce wasn't on the booking committee yet.

- It's YOUR Wrestlemania report. Hogan v. Slaughter! Hart Foundation v. Nasty Boys! Virgil v. Dibiase! Valentine v. Earthquake! Savage v. Warrior! Roberts v. Martel! Bulldog v. Warlord! Undertaker v. Snuka! Willie Nelson! Regis Philbin! BUY IT NOW!

- Rick Martel v. Tommy Landell. Very quick squash as Martel finishes it with the Boston Crab in preparation for one of the dumbest ideas ever...the blindfold match. Then, in another famous moment, he is attacked by Furface! That was Brutus Beefcake under a fuzzy mask, for those who don't know or remember. As it turned out, his face wasn't healed enough, so the angle was scrapped.

Next week: WWF champion Sgt. Slaugther, Macho King on Brother Love, and Virgil v. Haku! Wow, too bad I don't *that* one on this tape...

The Bottom Line: It was Superstars, what do you expect? There was actually some good angle development here, with the intro of Paul Bearer, the first appearance of Furface, and the tag team battle royale. Nothing terribly exciting.

Merry Christmas, y'all.