by G.P. Ryan

- We're in Europe, natch.

- Kerry Von Erich v. The Mountie (Royal Albert Hall in London) Stallllllll. Yawn. Mountie with a sleeper, Kerry breaks after a few years, then goes right back into it. ARGH! Kerry escapes and hooks his own sleeper, oh the irony. Blind charge misses, just like it has for everyone in, oh, the past 50 years. Kerry oversells, going over the top off a punch. The drugs acting up? This is really, really horribly boring, my words can't do it justice. After another couple hours, Kerry pulls Mountie to the floor and starts punching until, in a piece of tragedy worthy of Shakespeare, a discus punch hits the post. Back in and Kerry gets, like, a clothesline but Mountie lures him into the corner and gets a Memphis cradle at 13'15, which is a part of my life I'll never get back. 0 for 1. The ref (Danny Davis, possibly) supposedly lets the match continue and Mountie scurries away, but who cares.

- Lord Alfred Hayes and the Brain tour the Queen's Box at Royal Albert Hall. Brain wonders whether they have tractor pulls there. Hey, sounds like programming for TNN.

- Profile of the Bulldog, when he wasn't completely, utterly, totally useless. We start with...

- 20-man battle royale, joined in progress, thank goodness. Typhoon and Mountie have their way with Davey, until they make the fatal mistake of Mountie holding Davey from behind for a clothesline, au revoir Mountie. Bulldog tries shoulderblocks but Typhoon's JUST TOO--calorically enhanced, eh-heh-heh, and uses his fat to take over, but he stupidly charges and gets dumped at 2:30 aired. 0 for 2.

- Bulldog signing autographs in Manchester for planted kids. Might I add he looks like a dumbass with those braids. Hayes queries "DBS's parents" about his diet as a lad. Hey, they may have been his parents, I don't know (or care). Let's move on.

- British Bulldog v. IRS. I take that back, let's not! Rotundo: the revolutionary leader in making matches boring as all hell since 1988. This is obviously from somewhere in England - Sheffield? Davey starts with side headlocks and shoulderblocks to show his strength and all. Then the stalling kicks in. C'mon, it was late when I had the urge to start watching this, WHY MUST I BE PUNISHED SO? Then again, I ask that every time the Bossman's or a Headbanger's untalented mug pops up on Metal. Davey gets in a couple of moves between the stalling, then we get some more. Yes! IRS whips out the Owenzuigiri to take over, and of course Davey takes the somersault bump. Crowd chants for Bulldog, natch. Abdominal stretch with the ropes, that dastardly IRS. He threatens the ref after getting caught and gets schoolboyed for 2, which I half-thought was the finish. To the chinlock, baybee! Davey sunset flips in for 2, but a Thai legdrop (where? down there) stops the rally in a hurry. IRS teases suplexing Davey out to the floor, so of course it's reversed, but a splash hits the knees. Davey comes back anyway and stands on his tie so Heenan can work in the "he's standing on his tongue" line. Jimmy Hart hops on the apron, woohoo, finish coming up. IRS brings out the BRIEFCASE OF PAIN, but loses it and Davey finishes with the powerslam. 12'48, yuck. 0 for 3.

- The segments with Hayes in Jollie Olde England all suck, so I'm ignoring them.

- British Bulldog (w/Winston & Andre) v. Earthquake There's some sort of cheap joke here about Bulldog bringing along a big dumb animal for moral support. But there's a big dumb ox right across the ring, anyway, so I might as well skip it altogether. Earthquake plays "Stalk the Cripple" until Andre waves one of his canes at him. And then they flex for cheap heat. What next, a test of strength? Bulldog plays stick and move, busting out a couple of vaguely okay dropkicks, and Earthquake bails out. Bearhug, Bulldog escapes and stupidly tries a bodyslam. You guess what happens. Davey's not too bright, as a sunset flip doesn't work either. Back to the bearhug, and this is as enthralling as it sounds. Ooh, baby, work that bearhug. Big fat powerslam and the Quakester warms up the band, so to speak, but decides to go after Andre again and manages to nail the big guy in the leg. Quake tries a stomp to the chest and slips, har har. Tremors, but Andre waffles him with one of his canes, "The Late" Joey Marella chatting with Hart, and Bulldog wins with a big ol' slam at 8'15, and we're still perfect at 0/4.

- At Home with El Matador. Oh man, how did Tito feel going along with this? From eternal midcarder, to ethnic stereotype and, well, still a midcarder. What a big step up, huh?

- Roddy Piper v. The Barbarian (Barcelona, Spain) Mayday, mayday, crappy match at 45 degrees. Oh boy, a shoving match. A Piper side headlock goes nowhere, and we're back to stalling. Why yes, this is the first five minutes. Hey, there's the test of strength. Piper somehow gets the advantage and backdrops Barbie outside. Boy, these European fans must have been thrilled to see the WWF. Sean Mooney the Corporate Whore refers to this as a great match. Barbarian takes over on a big ol' punch and gets a two-count off a pendulum backbreaker. TO THE BEARHUG! Clapper to escape, and Piper stupidly leaps off the turnbuckle right into another one. Piper gets a couple of rollups for 2. Really, really awful clothesline from Barbie sends Piper staggering out. Piper sunset flips in, Barbarian grabs the ropes, "Still Dead" Joey Marella kicks them away and Piper gets the pin at 8'55 of laughable inaction. Feel those goose eggs pile up.

- Another battle royale, this from Munich and also joined in progress. Mountie dumps Tito as we come in. Faces exclusively duke it out with heels, since it's 1992. Mountie sneaks up and dumps some midcarder while he's tied up with Sags. Punch kick chop all the way for everyone else. Crowd is dead. Hawk charges Repo Man and Sags, who pulls the top rope down, see ya. Col. "Iron Sheik" Mustafa is out courtesy Bulldog. Mooney claims this is exciting. That depends on what the definition of exciting is, I guess. Mountie gets the sneakiness award for the night by catching Duggan tied up with, again, Sags, and tossing him. Bulldog, Slaughter, Sags, Mountie and Repo remain, and it's pretty obvious Bulldog has to go over here. Faces and heels band together. Davey gets beaten down but saves Slaughter and they clean house. Sarge tosses Repo, but Mountie sneaks up on him and dumps him out, as well. Mooney finally picks up on Mountie's strategy; those cue cards really paid off. The shock stick backfires as Sags gets it, and he and Mountie go in rapid succession for the Bulldog win at 9:51. Crowd cheers because it's over. This gets no love from me, like you couldn't guess.

- Intercontinental title: Bret Hart v. Rick Martel (Sheffield, UK) Martel does a cartwheel to counter a whip, which really doesn't look good considering his pink gear. But then he's fighting a guy in pink and black, so it kind of evens out. Martel takes over with punches and kicks. Reverse rolling cradle ends up with Martel taking a clothesline and stalling. Hitman takes over with a stomp to the jewels. Charging knee by Martel misses and Hart works it. Well, at least it's sound enough psychology. Martel kicks out of a stepover toehold, but the punishment continues. Pretty unremarkable, but at least it's not stalling. Martel escapes and chokes and punches. Feel the stars racking up. Atomic kneebreaker and we're back to Prototypical Dickish Bret. He tries to wrap the leg around the post but eats it himself. Hitman takes the big dramatic bump to the corner that he always does, and Martel works the back. You know, you'd think wrestlers would learn after a while that nothing good can come of ducking off a whip. Bret comes back with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM (tm you know who), mixing the order up. He complains about a 2-count to Earl Hebner. A portent of things to come? Martel suckershots him and dumps him out. Suplex attempt on the apron, but Bret flips out and Martel blocks his reverse rolling cradle attempt, only to walk into an inside cradle for the majorly cheap pin at 13'01. I'll be generous and go 1 for 7, but not by much.

- WWF World title: Randy Savage v. Shawn Michaels. Not sure where this was taped. Man, one good thing about the changes over the years... to think that Sherri was like, the major woman in the big 2 years ago. *shudder* Sexist observations aside, this should be good. Savage is selling the knee in his entrance. Circling and finally the lockup, which goes nowhere. Michaels gets a couple of meaningless 2 counts and tries to go after the knee, but Savage kicks away and bails out. Sherri slaps him in the leg to distract him and HBK wins a slugfest to take over. Reverse whip to the post gives HBK the first melodramatic bump of the match. Savage comes back with the double axhandle, but sells the knee, allowing Shawn to kick out. They trade some stuff for 2-counts and HBK starts to take a hike, but Savage sneaks up, shoves Sherri aside like the brutal, bottom feeding, trashbag, etc. she is and whomps HBK some more. Sherri sticks her nose into the match and gets bumped for it, but it lets Shawn get in an atomic kneebreaker and he proceeds to further destroy Macho's knee. Figure-four, but Savage finally gets to the ropes and gets 2 off a rollup when Michaels tries it again. Back into it for real, but Savage reverses. He tries for it AGAIN, but Savage kicks him away into the corner, nails him with a clothesline and, hobbling all the way, hits the flying elbow for the pin at 14'26! Pretty solid with the focus on the knee, and an easy point from me. 2 for 8.

- Final verdict: 2 for 8? Urgh. If you get this, you might as well FF straight to Savage-HBK; I was somewhat generous in giving Hart-Martel a free pass.