by G.P. Ryan

- Hosted by Sean Mooney, with Lord Alfred Hayes also on commentary for most of the matches.

- Tito Santana v. Earthquake, from a Wrestling Challenge taping. ON WITH THE CRAP! Tito gets tossed away a couple of times, since all that fat gives Quake superhuman strength. Quake feigns a clean break, but Tito ducks the suckershot and attacks the arm. Quake shrugs it off and sloooooowly works him over. Bearhug, and Tito escapes with the lucha-based bite to el forehead and comes back. Flying forearm gets like 1, and right away, Quake with the powerslam, elbow and--oh, wait, Tugboat runs in and pounds on Quake. Danny Davis is off picking his nose while Dino Bravo runs in for good measure. Faces get the edge until Rhythm & Blues toss Chico. Don't ask me why all the run-ins. Duggan makes the save. What a mess. Call it a no-contest at 7:40 when Tugboat ran in. 0 for 1.

- Bobby Heenan v. Big Bossman. Heenan begs for mercy for ripping on Bossman's mother, and it doesn't work. Much like this match, har har. Heenan ruled back in the day, though. The schtick drags on and finally the match starts, and duh, Bossman smacks him around and pins him at 0:14. 0 for 2. Bossman goes to cuff Heenan, and Curt Hennig runs in and gets tossed. Next.

- Sgt. Slaughter v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. From a Superstars taping. What a stellar exchange of holds and counterholds this should be. Slaughter jumps him at the bell, it backfires and he stalls. Mooney claims this was requested by a fan, and if so, I worry for their mental well being. Duggan with punches, but Adnan pops him with the flagpole, but Duggan comes back a minute later. He goes for the three-point stance, but Adnan trips him up, and we play "Chase the Manager". Duggan gets counted out at 3:02. 0 for 3. Whatevah. Duggan clears his sinuses on the Iraqi flag to offend however many Iraqi-American fans there were.

- The Barbarian v. Bret Hart. He's from Calgary....AlbertaCanada, and was co-tag champ at the time. Anyway, this was at MSG. Jimmy Hart and Honky Tonk Man are on color here. Barbarian with his crappy offense for a couple of minutes, but he poses on the 2nd turnbuckle and of course misses the elbowdrop. Bret with the Infuriating Enemy Pummel, and he goes straight to the Russian legsweep, 2nd-turnbuckle elbowdrop and lariats, Barbie with a powerslam but he sits down on a sunset flip and poses. Three guesses what happens next. Hart wins at 4:08. Yeesh (do NOT take that as implying I wanted a nice long Barbarian match). 0 for 4.

- The Sheepfuckers, er, Bushwhackers v. Rhythm & Blues. The hits just keep on coming. Whackers with comedy stuff, and they get in the battering ram on Honky like 30 seconds in. Luke gets caught with a clothesline from Valentine and plays Ricky Morton. Decent bump on a corner whip, but the rest is so not good. Valentine gets a couple of 2-counts before Butch tries to save and gets tossed by Honky. R&B freely stomp Luke, and meanwhile Butch gets the (a, rather) gee-tar and Lance Storms Honky with it for the DQ at 4:02. What do you expect, it's the Whackers. Honky was hopeless as to offense, but Valentine could have at least tried to make his stuff look decent, though. 0 for 5.

- Hulk Hogan v. Dino Bravo. Bossman is Hogan's cornerperson, probably to telegraph the schmozz, but it is Hogan. Stallllll. If there's one cheap time-killing method I never liked, it's the stall. DO SOMETHING, YOU JACKASSES! 2 minutes in, Hogan starts in on Bravo and decks Jimmy Hart and Earthquake for good measure, then poses and Bravo bails out to stall. Hogan gets the better of an armbar and does more of his looser than Jasmine St. Clair after Mr. 300 offense. Bravo and Quake choke the Bulkster. Bravo smacks him around some more. Yawwwwn. Bravo bearhug. You ain't Andre, buddy, so it's not even close to being plausible. Really, how much of a wuss is Hogan's character if some kicks, chops, chokes and a bearhug nearly put him away? Hogan escapes, side suplex, superman comeback and the inevitable comes at 9:24. 0 for 5. Quake comes in to get beat up by the faces. This was like a bad parody.

- At Home with Hillbilly Jim. Yeah right, like I'm watching this. I have my sanity to think of. What's with Vince and hillbillies, anyway? Jim, the Godwinns and so on. Heck, Mideon remains on TV to this day. Oh well, Jim moves rilly fast in FAST-FORWARD, BAYBEE!

- Davey Boy Smith v. Haku. Joined in progress from MSG. Monsoon and Hayes here. Davey escapes a sleeper and slowly pounds Haku, but gets caught with an inverted atomic drop. Hey, with all the roids, surely that wouldn't hurt him. Anyway, one of the few things I remember from attending a January '91 house show at Hartford, CT was Davey's comically bad headbutts. DBS with a crossbody for 2, and a crucifix (which was the finish in Hartford) for 2, but Haku with a piledriver and more boring offense. Like restholds? Haku's got 'em, and does he ever use them here. Haku pulls Davey's idiotic braids, hah. There is just nothing going on here. Double collision, and Davey hooks the not yet named Sharpshooter, but Haku's like 2 inches from the ropes. Haku gets a shoulderbreaker for 2, and Davey comes back, blind charge misses, powerslam, see ya. 16:00 (!) aired. Horribly dull. 0 for 6.

- Randy Savage v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (from MSG). Duggan with a spurt of offense, but Sherri pulls down the top and cheapshots him while Savage gets his licks in. Soooo slooooooow. Savage chokes, kicks and punches lackadaisically, with a couple double-axhandles in there. Duggan finally counters a double-axhandle with the Punch to the Gut '91 and comes back. He "hits" the kneedrop, but Sherri distracts Danny Davis (with what, her come-hither looks?). Savage comes back somehow, but the big elbow misses and Duggan hulks up with .8 Luger clotheslines. Three-point stance, but Savage rolls out. Duggan plays "Ring Around the Skank" - hey, there's Vladimir - and catches her, but Davis breaks it up and gets bumped. Come on, END this. Duggan has Savage pinned repeatedly to hammer the point home. Savage waffles him with the purse, and Davis slooowly comes around, 1.........2......... Duggan kicks out, but a Memphis cradle with Sherri holding onto Savage's legs is enough for the pin to retain the crown at a mind-destroying 16:03. 0 for 7.

- Alleged main event, cage match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior (MSG). Brother Love is on color commentary here, which doesn't help. Savage controls in boring fashion. The big elbow gets 2 and Warrior hulks up, but in a tragic moment not unlike the denoument of _King Lear_, the splash hits the knees. Savage climbs out, but Warrior grabs him on the way down. Sherri decks Earl Hebner and goes after Warrior, and Savage drops to the floor for the win at 10:28 when Warrior shoves Sherri away. He tears off her outergarments. I'M BLIND! Warrior, the good sport, beats up Savage. The usual gang of idiots and the Nasty Boys run in but can't hold him back. ROID RAGE! Sherri hits Waryr with the scepter and here we go all over again. This time, she gets gorilla slammed. Violence against skanks R00LZ! 0 for 8, like you needed to ask.

- Final verdict: Words can't describe how strongly I recommend to NOT BUY THIS TAPE! If you're ever tempted, resist and use your money for something better, like porn or something. Hopefully, WrestleFest '90 will be better. You'll have to wait for that review, though. Back this weekend for the syndie TV.